Am I A Coward?

Is it weakness
to run from the pain inside?

Is it weakness
to be too afraid
to get that close ever again?

Am I a coward?

I knew it would be
painful

I knew it would be
a lot of hard work

I knew it could take
a very long time

I knew I would cry
and be afraid

Am I a coward?

I thought the pain
and fear
were waiting for me

I thought
they wanted to be found
and discovered eventually

I thought
she was the one now afraid
and needed me

Am I a coward?

I now know why
I couldn’t stay
and had to flee

Why she stayed behind
and protected me

I now understand
what tore us a part…

And separated my soul
from my heart

Am I a coward?

Am I a coward
because I am too afraid
to experience or see
all that they did?

Afraid of what lives
deep in the shadows
of my wounded soul

Am I a coward
because I am too afraid
to get close enough to feel
all the things
that happened to me?

Am I a coward
because I am too afraid
of the terror inside of me?

Never

Our desert is empty
devoid of life
there are no cacti
no beautiful flowers
just parched land
as far as the eye can see

What once was lush
and green with life all around
is all dried up

Everything I see
is now just a mirage

A longing of my soul
from a lost past

The fields
where carefree and playfulness
used to roam
are no where to be found

They deserted reality

Left it all alone in the dust storms
that pass over what was already
parched and broken in need of water
of life

There is no turn around
no where to cross over
the agony

No turning back…

There must be a way
to build a bridge
to trust once again
to find wonder
and curiosity
to replace
this fear and anxiety

I will never stop looking
for you

Never!

Until we are
finally one and free

I will never stop looking
for you inside of me!

​Like This

I always thought
if I called out to you
you would come and meet me

For I have always
felt you deeply

Now that I came
you pushed me away

What is this
cruel game you play?

I thought you wanted me
I thought you needed me near

Your fear
my fear
creates this vastness
that separates us

This grand canyon
so deep that holds our grief

The river runs swiftly
from the seemingly
endless emptying of our tears
that steadily flows

I can only feel you
far into the distance

I feel you falling
off of the cliff of our past

I thought you now needed me
to rescue you at last 

But no
your fear is too great
my fear too near

How do we pass over
this great abyss?

How do we ever find each other
once again like this?

How do we ever become
as one
like we used to be long ago
when we were so young?

How do we overcome
to be one in heart and soul?

How do we ever overcome
to once again become whole?

You are the part of me that I miss

How do we ever find each other
once again like this?

Together

If I could just walk
beside you once again

Be with you long enough
to see all that you hide

If we could just be together
share the weight
that separates our pain

I am trying to be courageous

Courageous enough to see
what has been locked up tight
inside of you and me

Too far away to touch or feel
too far away to know or see

I am trying to close this vast gap
all that creates the fear and anxiety
covered neatly behind this smile

I am trying to avoid the trap
of denying our reality

If I could just get close enough
and have you stay and never leave

If I could find you somewhere
along the way

If someday we could share
as one
our heart and soul

Together
we could finally be whole!

​What Is It That I Need?

​​The other morning I had an emotional conversation with my husband. He asked me what it is that I need. And I just started crying, and at first I said that I don’t know. And then as we talked several things emerged.

I told him that I am not sure if I am a part of the problem of why it is so hard for me to receive what I need. And yet I don’t know right now how to be any different. I have spent my entire life being put together, calm, and collected. My children would look to me to bring calm and support in the midst of a crisis. And I did. I brought calm to all those around me.

I have had women walk up to me multiple times in the grocery store and start talking to me. And within a few minutes they are telling me their life’s story. And almost without fail, they stop and look at me and say, “You have such a peacefulness and calm about you.”

I have spent my life trying to hide the pain inside of me. And I am good, really, really good at it. Maybe some people noticed the hidden sadness. But no one suspected the life I lived behind closed doors in my first marriage. Not friends or family. I made him look very good. And he is still benefiting from that to this day.

I walked away from his family and mine. I didn’t want to talk about him or what he did. I just wanted to be safe and free. There was nothing inside of me to deal with other people’s opinion. And other than one sister, no one even asked.

Unfortunately, in my family of origin the typical dysfunction was huge. There is no close family or mutual love and respect. When you have already been beaten down, how do you return to or risk anything in that environment?

The reason why I think I may be a part of the problem is because it seems people have a hard time connecting with my pain because I am strong and articulate and hide it so well. I don’t want my feelings to be discounted anymore. I know I am strong, I can be a bad ass under incredible circumstances. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt or feel pain deeply. Mostly I withdraw and turn inward.

I don’t know if any of us suffer for a lack of knowing what to do. I think we suffer for a lack of compassion, of being heard, of having our feelings validated. For others being able to truly understand how painful, and hurtful, and difficult abuse can be.

I think we want someone to feel with us and just sit with us in our place of sorrow. It is so counter-intuitive to us as humans. But it is the best way to truly have someone feel heard, and loved, and accepted. And to find a compass for healing.

I don’t think we can ever feel loved, accepted, heard, or cared for without true compassion. We need someone to walk alongside of our pain and hurt without expectations or judgment. We want to be able to be vulnerable and to feel safe.

Too often we are trying to talk people out of what they are feeling rather than feeling their pain with them. It’s not like we don’t want to hear what others have to say, it’s just that it takes a lot to earn that place to be able to give advice. And we certainly don’t want to hear it without first knowing someone is concerned about how we feel.

As the following three minute video I share again below states, there is absolutely nothing you can say to make someone’s pain go away. But there is so much we can do to make someone feel loved and accepted. Words are only beneficial if they are words of empathy. Empathy is the language of grief, and sorrow, and suffering. Maybe we all need to learn a new language for ourselves and those we love.

I don’t know if I have fully reached a conclusion yet on what it is that I need. I am continuing to ask myself this question and I am still trying to figure it out. Maybe I just don’t know. Maybe I have lacked so much love and care and nurturing since I was a child. All I know is that words, even well meant words, can hurt without empathy.

On Empathy by Brené Brown
(a 3 minute video)

​Feeling Nothing At All!

So as not to confuse anyone, on Thursday I wrote a blog post, Something We Don’t Talk Much About. After posting this I received a comment and later an email that was very confusing to both my husband and I. I am not writing any of this to name the person or to call them out. This is just to clarify yesterday’s and today’s posts.

These comments ended up being hurtful for several reasons. The first being, that of all the blog posts I have written, this one was very personal and something I have never talked about on my blog or with anyone before. It was about the loss of our baby (after already losing 2 full-term babies). Because these comments were confusing to us, my husband suggested to me that I just remove the comments, and so I did.

When I read this post to my husband he didn’t just have tears running down his face, he was crying. This is a VERY painful topic for both of us to re-visit. The only thing I will mention regarding the person whom these hurtful comments were received from is that they were from a person I would have least expected them from. I could have never seen this coming.

I have been treated badly in the past by very insensitive people surrounding the losses of each of my babies. This just took me back to those places.

Blogging has been a struggle for me and I have dealt with several very difficult situations from a few followers and I have moved on. I will from this one too, I am sure. But I did have an emotional response and wrote two poems, yesterday’s post and this one today.

I hope that anyone who read yesterday’s post or reads today’s can at least bear with me as I work through it, express my emotions, and regain my voice. This is the best way for me to move on.

* * *

Trying so hard to feel
absolutely nothing at all

There is so little comfort
to be found in man

Heartache for pain

Why is it that others
who call themselves strong
feel relief when dumping
their stuff onto us?

Does it make them mighty
or does it reveal their truth
that they struggle too?

Without restraint
they pour their stuff
onto you

My faith in man
is weakening
sometimes I wonder
why bother at all?

We all wonder where God is…

He used to be in you and me

I used to see Him in your eyes
and feel Him in your touch

I used to have Him visit me
whenever you stopped by

I used to feel His love
in those who cared at all

Where is God…?

Does it feel as though
God leaves us
whenever man is cruel?

Shouldn’t we be more careful
with others who try to speak their truth?

If it makes you uncomfortable
maybe you need to deal with yours too

Others are not the dumping ground
for what we cannot bear

This only makes you similar
to all the perpetrators around
who also were weak
with the pain they wear

Where is man…?
I don’t know
where he is anymore

I am trying so very hard
to feel absolutely
nothing at all

Because of you…

But is feeling nothing at all
feeling and revealing
something too?

I feel lost in this emptiness
you poured into me

It is so familiar
it makes it hard to see
the good inside of you
you snuffed it out
when you dumped
your stuff on me!

​Where Has Your Light Gone?

Lost in the crossfire
of your passive aggressiveness

With no thought that maybe
just maybe
I could already be struggling too

Does it make you feel strong
to dump your stuff out onto me
even though it is wrong?

Call it what you will
my husband calls it crazy
I see unresolved pain
but why throw it onto me?

I am not the dumping ground
for everyone’s stuff
they cannot bear to see

You took me back
to all of those before you
who did the same to me

They did what they did
because they didn’t deal
with their own stuff either
so they took it out on me

You brought me to
a familiar place
where others deeds
delivered pain…
their shame to me

I did not expect
the same from you

Maybe there is
no one to trust
no way to know
who the good ones are

You have made me lose
my trust
my confidence of others too

It doesn’t matter
what mask you wear
what experience or degree
they all had their degrees too
and greater than yours… but

It didn’t matter
it just makes all of you
more dangerous
and just so much harder to see

You all seem to share
the same expertise
in harming those already broken

Does that make you all
better than me?

I have lost my confidence
in myself
you managed to bring me down

Maybe this is what lifts you up
you tell me
is this really strength
bringing someone else to the ground?

You brought me down
not just because of what you did
but because of the others
who stand in line with you
who feel your superiority too

What have I done wrong
I ask myself
and the only thing I know
as far as you
and them are concerned…

I try to figure it out
I try and try and try

And all that I know
is that I am guilty!

I am guilty
as I stand in your midst
I am guilty
just because
I too try to exist!