Silenced!

image
it’s not fair
i’m so alone
Silenced!
why can’t i live
and feel
and believe too
why can’t i be

no one sees or hears
the storm of anguish
raging
ever present
deep inside of me

it never leaves me
never lets me go
it seems so unreal
and it is
to everyone
but me

why do i feel and hear so clearly
what everyone else ignores
is there something wrong
with me

there life is
i see it
in their eyes
they didn’t notice my death
they think i’m one of them
whatever it is that lets them live
it was taken from me

a war rages
a Silent war
that never ends
it remains always
constantly
deep inside of me

i can’t escape
him or the fear
i had no choice
he never noticed
i had a voice
he just took me
had me
used me

when he was through
whenever that was
it ended
just as it began
no thought or care for me

did he not notice
could he not see
that i was
different than those things
the room, the bed, the chair
it makes me wonder what am i
to feel, or need, or care
does it matter

there is no relief
no place to go
no one who sees, or cares, or knows
he took them from me
everyone
i’m so terribly alone
Silenced!

this Silence
has been my constant friend
my reminder that says
there is no end
no escape, no place to run
nowhere for me to hide
it tells me
i’ll never be free
that i will never
ever know me

it’s been too long and hard
i’m lonely
tired
Silent!
what would it feel like
what would i be
a person
without this wound
deep inside of me

i look around
everyone seems to be free
i wonder Silently
could that have been me

i am so afraid, so terribly afraid
it’s hard, so painfully cruel
to bear all this alone
never free
Silently!

they keep reminding me
why i must not
ever be
for that would threaten
everyone around me

my only escape is my solitude
then i don’t have to see
all that is in you
and not in me

when i see life
a person
you
it’s people
their laughter
their desires
their need
that reminds me
constantly
of who i’m not
of what i’ll never be
he took it all away from me

it is such a mystery
how you
are what i have wished
always to be
someone like you
anyone
but me

it seems so unfair
that i can’t be free
to speak
to feel
the rage inside of me
i am sadly
Silently
crushed

i stand by
at a distance
a great distance
and observe
i am happy for them
but why not me
why can’t i be
why is life so hard
so cruel

why am i so afraid
i can’t shake it loose
it doesn’t want to let me be free
for that could mean
someone else
may have to share
the pain
the blame
the responsibility

how long can i protect him
how long can i bear
all that is his
and for what
so he can live
and i be denied

it’s like being dead
even though alive
it’s unreal
unfair
could i be here somewhere

is there a chance
someone will stop
and notice
help
what i can’t seem to fix
or continue to bear
all alone
in Silence

what if i finally feel
and shatter
who will care
to pick up the pieces
and try to repair
will they even notice

i don’t understand
what happened to me
i didn’t know why
no reason
just pain

this loud Silence
that keeps me
from being able to hear
what else could be
might be
if it weren’t for what he did to me

it’s not fair
he got to live
his life went on
while i just pretend to be
so they don’t have to see
i continue to protect all of you
from the pain
deep inside of me

it’s not fair
that i have to see
what he forgets
he lives
but why not me
why can’t i be
someone too
just like you

he should bear this
i should be free
these prison walls
no one has to see
they are invisible inside of me
Silent!
no one has to take responsibility

i serve his time
this life sentence
for him, alone, in solitude
while he goes free
how can that be

i play the game
everyone wins
they never need to know
i have already lost
i was never given a chance to win

what would i be
if it weren’t for what he took
from me
where could i be
if they had protected me
if someone
would have even let me know
what it was that happened to me

no one saw
no one noticed at all
why did i have to continue to live
when a part of me died
is this a joke
my reality

it’s like being deaf and mute
struggling
always struggling
but there is no use
they can’t hear me
they can’t see
but, i can’t stop
i can’t erase the memory

it’s not fair
he walked away
when it was him
that crippled me

how did this happen
how can it be
life goes on for him
but not for me

so many lost dreams
so many unknown possibilities
he took them all
away from me

this pain i bear
this shame and guilt
he took my life

i have always
only
longed
to be free
he has done this
Silenced
me

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