Did I Really Ever Exist?

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You have been like a mirror
One I have never looked in before
One I’d never dare

I have risked so much
Sharing me with you
Letting you see parts of me
For the first time I see too
Parts no one else has ever seen
Parts I never knew were there
 
You’ve helped me to see parts of myself
I’ve never known
Parts so fragile, so broken
They scare!

I’m not sure where the abuse ends
And I begin
Is there any part of me
That is truly me?

How can a page in a book
So clearly define me?
How can they know so well?

Am I really an individual
Or just a response to pain?
The sadness this creates in me
Seems full of blame!

How can I know who I am?
Will I ever find
The little girl, the person
The soul left somewhere behind?

Did I really ever exist?

I thought I was more than that
More than abuse could define

To find out that I can be described
Defined so well by someone 
Who doesn’t even know my name

Who has never seen my face
Looked into my eyes
Seen my pain
Overwhelms me!
How can they know?
How can the abuse define me?

I thought I had spent a lifetime
Hiding all of it so well
To know it is so much 
Of who I am
Have I really only hidden me?

Please help me, hold me
Tell me I am
I really, truly am
Someone
An individual
A separate soul
Someone unique
A person!

Worthy of your love
Someone to be found
Touched
Discovered
Cherished
Held
Known!

And when we find her
Truly know her
Love me still?

Please, please help me
Hold me
Tell me
I really
Truly am
Known

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7 thoughts on “Did I Really Ever Exist?

  1. Beautiful writing of your truth. I’ve traveled my own healing journey and remember my search for my inner child, that little girl sexually abused and betrayed by her own family, then sent out into the darkness on her own at 14. The struggle to survive took many decades and in the end, I found out it was that little girls strength and bravery and courage that saved the adult me. I see that same strength and bravery in your little girl. Let her remind you of all the ways she helped you cope, survive your trauma. One day you’ll meet up and you’ll be able to tell her, “I got this.” (And you do!)♥

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your comment! Yes, and I do believe I am well on my way!

      I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. Your courage and strength are felt in your words.

      I didn’t realize how much writing and sharing it could help so much in finding my way. It is amazing that strangers can be so kind while family have become the strangers…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve written before about my struggle with “family” and eventually accepting- and embracing-that sometimes finding our own tribe is the only way to recovery. My WordPress family has been the true conduit to healing for me. I’m so glad you’re finding your way through writing and sharing!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I have only had this blog for a month. And in this short time, I have experienced more encouragement and a feeling of not being alone than I probably have felt in my whole life. It doesn’t take much when you have been living a silent life.

          Even writing or responding to comments has been difficult to get used to. I do have a voice!

          What you shared was encouraging, thank you!

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Get used to the love, lol😀 I’d isolated myself for so many years I was truly invisible. I was walking a scary tightrope the night I decided to see if there was anyone else out there feeling as bad as me. The next day–okay dayS– I was in tears ( of happiness) because people here embraced me- no questions asked. Reach out to the people that you see comment on the blogs you like- they’ll probably be survivors or very awesome anyway. Thanks for following me so I could find my way back to your blog!

          Liked by 1 person

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