I will never forget, just a few months ago, when I had the realization that the bad news is, the cavalry is not coming. And at the same time the good news is, the cavalry is not coming. What I mean is: that while I am on my own with all this pain and no one is going to help me, my recovery and getting my life back is also not dependent on someone else. If it was, I could be here forever, broken.
And because it doesn’t rely on someone else, only me, I can decide right now to begin the process of breaking free. I can pick up my drum sticks and beat on my drums and I can pick up my pen and beat on the paper, and on this blog.
My drum sticks and my pen have become my saving grace. I don’t choose to, or want to, hurt anyone else with my pain. These two avenues allow me to let the pressure out. Sometimes there is no other way for us to heal.
The other good news I realized is that, I am NOT responsible for anyone else’s emotions or life. God knows they have taken none for mine. They have run roughshod over me. And if it had been bullets, I would be dead with so many bullet holes, I would be unrecognizable.
So, I have faced the painful truth that the cavalry is not coming. I take responsibility for my own pain. I choose to write and live; they are synonymous after all; one is dependent upon the other.
But I will NOT take responsibility for their pain. If after all that they have done to me, I stand alone in this inward hell, they can too in their own! I take my life back from all of you!
I wish harm to no one, but I won’t be there to be harmed anymore by you. With the weight you have hurled on me, I have reached my breaking point. I am too busy climbing my way back to my own reality, to living my life, not yours.
You can’t look into someone else’s pain, then be reckless and expect them to stay. That is insanity!
It is a painful truth that even with all the wounds inside of me, and in spite of all the injustice, that I never lose personal responsibility for my pain. That I am responsible for what I do with the harm done to me. That it is never an excuse to even stay bitter or angry. I didn’t say I can’t be bitter or angry, only that I can’t stay there forever.
I realized that no one gets a free ride. Not even in the midst of our pain.
I can hurt and feel my pain. However, even if I never get any justice or the support I need, I never get off the hook so to speak. I realized I never lose responsibility for myself, never. Not even in the depths of despair.
When we are in the throes of pain, when no one cares, or can hear us, or helps us, we must always keep on keeping on, always. This is our responsibility.
So then what do we do?
Well, we cry, we scream, we write, or we create. Our artistic outlets can actually save us and often help others too. We do what we must to survive and get through.
How long do we cry, or scream, or write, or create? We do them, until! It often takes a long time to find our voice, and then sometimes an even longer time to risk speaking. So we cry, and we scream, and we write and we create, until! We all need to find a way to express ourselves constructively.
And so here I am! All of this is part of what lead me to this blog. Well, what ultimately made this happen was my loving husband surprising me by setting up this blog and pleading with me to finally write.
Maybe, I will at least have a feeling of being heard! And maybe, it will mean something to someone. Maybe, just maybe, it will bring comfort and help to someone, somewhere. For that would finally make some sense out of something that has made no sense. And that would be the greatest blessing of all!
So I will pick up my drum sticks and beat on my drums, keeping time with the beat and the rhythm of each song. And I will pick up my pen and beat on these pages, keeping time with the beat and the rhythm of the pain and sorrow, until!