Do I wonder at times where God was in my life? Absolutely. Have I felt abandoned by Him at times? Yes. There are so many things I do not understand. And I don’t really know why, but through everything that has happened to me in life, I have faced it with a determination to hold on to my faith. Even in the deafening silence of my life and losing everything, I held on to my faith in God.
I do not go to church. I haven’t in many, many years for obvious reasons. I have never pushed my faith on anyone, ever. I don’t even speak of it often, because I don’t believe it matters what we say we believe, it is more about who we are and how we live our beliefs.
I would much rather have someone be moved and convinced by who I am, how I treat others, and how I live my life. One of the biggest lessons I learned in life, is that what someone says often does not mean anything. So I have always been a person of few words when it comes to my faith. I don’t deny it, I do proclaim it, but I would rather live it.
I believe in God and I believe my faith has helped me make it to where I am today. There were times when all I had was my faith. And at those times, it was everything I needed and so much more.
It is amazing that I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol, or worse. It is amazing I have my loving husband in my life. It is amazing I can write any of the words I do.
Do I struggle? Yes, deeply. But if you knew the grace with which God has carried me through and the courage with which I face each day, I don’t think you could deny it either.
Sometimes I am amazed that I have faith at all. And if I didn’t, that would be understandable. So when others state that they don’t believe, I don’t judge them, I understand, I truly understand.
However, everything that has happened to me in life was done by the hands of man. So I do not, therefore, have faith in man and I do not blame God for what I or others do.
I thought telling my story would potentially be the end of my suffering. It has taken a huge burden off of me in that I feel as though I no longer am living in denial of my own life, of who I am, of what happened to me. That was a heavy burden to carry. I have come to realize over this past week, it was those words which held back a lot of my emotions and pain. So instead of being the end, it has become the beginning of finally feeling and facing the sorrow. And I will keep writing my way through.
I feel as though my poetry in some way is carrying my grief, expressing it. My writing in some way is honoring the sacredness of my loss and giving it a voice. My writing is pacing the grief for me, and the process is cleansing to my soul.
For me it is much easier to believe in God than man.
I do believe God has held me up, just like my husband does right now. And as I stated in “The Hero Of My Story,” the thing I love the most about my husband is that he is allowing me to fight my own fight, to find my own way, not through him.
Sometimes what we pound our fists at God for, I see as a gift. He doesn’t control us or our circumstances, but he does allow us to find our own way and find out what we are made of.
We don’t want anyone to control us, but we often get angry at God because He doesn’t take control of others or events.
We can’t protect our children from everything others do to them, but we can be there when they fall. We wouldn’t want them crippled by depending too much on us. We want to watch them overcome and know that they can do so much more than they could have even imagined through overcoming life’s difficulties. I guess I see God in that way too.
I spent many years sad that others did not show up for me , and then I realized that the saddest part was that I never was able to show up for myself.
One of the things that scared me the most through all of my struggles was losing all the good parts of myself. And it did start to happen, I began to not even recognize myself. I became negative. Then I realized the only way anyone can truly destroy all of me, is if they destroy the good parts of who I am.
Beyond that, my biggest struggle is how to hold onto all the best parts of myself, yet still be strong enough to protect myself from others who prey on that goodness.
So, while I found no kindness in countless others. I did manage to hold onto the kindness within me by holding onto my faith!