TheRapist (Therapist)

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those first sessions
strangers
a sacred place
where trust was supposed to be

you were listening
but you didn’t hear
my eyes were open
but there was no way for me to see

the mask you wore
deceived me

seeking help
while you related
more to the perpetrators
understanding clearly
those who hurt me

I feel betrayed
sharing my pain
seeking comfort
from the ghost of those
who injured me

my pain
pushed farther back
inside of me

falling into your web
the price I was to pay
is now my tragedy

nothing that happened to me
seems real or important
those ancient voices
I hear once again
“protect those who inflict the pain”
silence!

believing in you
I so desperately needed to
while you were planning your deceit
never really hearing me

in what was to be the safest place
I found a familiar enemy
there has been no escape
from the tragedy
you added a new thick layer
of shame inside of me

I speak, but my words
like drops of rain in the night
roll off into the darkness
evaporate

so much loss
too much pain

my life invested
a deep connection made
I can’t lose again

your cruelty and betrayal
had no end

the letter and the ring
you gave to me
saying they were
from my father
gifts of deceit
to entrap me

you held nothing back
there wasn’t anything
you wouldn’t do to hurt me

you used my deepest pain
to seduce me

why
what did I ever do to you
what did I ever do
to any of you

you wounded my spirit
and my soul

humiliation for honesty
evil for innocence
are what you offered me

you took more
than just my body
you took my soul

the war that raged
inside of me
left me all alone

fear replaced trust
anxiety replaced Iife
the torture continued
long after you were gone

you terrorized me
you took my voice
and crippled me
you completely
humiliated me

you held the power
I held the pain

too much has gone wrong
for this not to be made right

betrayal for trust

sorrow and shame
are all that remain

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9 thoughts on “TheRapist (Therapist)

  1. Blue, it is so difficult to find the right words to comment on such a poem. For those who have been lucky enough to not having had to go through what you have experienced, it gives a feeling of what happened. Maybe that is a close as someone external would be willing to perceive the unthinkable. The poem is brilliant, if you allow this category as applicable.

    I still want to oppose you in one point as a consequence of my own perception of life. Nobody will ever be able to take your soul. Your soul is what actually “defines” you. It is eternal, infinite, your substance, your true being. It is not that you have a soul. It is the other way around. Your soul has a life, it has decided to go through this process of life as an important part of its journey through eternity. So you mind, your body might be tortured, abused and even been taken, but nobody will ever be able take your soul. Your essence remains “untouched” and has the capability to gain back its share in love and in life as long as you exist. I am telling you this because I want you to know that everybody has a different point of view and sometimes a different perspective might add positively to ones own perception. Still you have no other choice than walking your own path in life. I have the feeling your current path is a good one. Your words here are important. In my eyes, they have the capability to support a self-healing process in others (maybe as well in yourself). I hope and wish that those who are in need find their way to your blog. Maybe you might also consider publishing your poems and writings in form of a book. ( just a thought)

    Take care!
    Jens

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jens, Thank you so much for all of your thoughts. We do share the same beliefs about our soul.

      For me this just better describes (an analogy of sorts) that far more than my body was taken. The depiction is accurate to the depths of despair and the struggle to regain a sense of my own soul again.

      I was (and at times still am) tortured by it. It is more the layers of it and all who came before him, what he knew, the relationship / connection we had made at a time when I was already broken. His cruelty goes beyond what is human.

      There are so many things I did not / could not say in my story or my poem or here or anywhere that makes all of it deeply wounding for me.

      Yes, who I am now is in spite of him, of all of them. And a testament to my own goodness, the tenderness of my own soul, the courage of my own spirit.

      Being able to write the things locked up inside of me, the rage, the pain, the sorrow all makes it feel real so that I can finally grieve it and be cleansed of it all.

      Before this I couldn’t have even imagined writing a blog, so a book I cannot see. Writing this blog certainly is breaking my silence and released my soul from the prison it has been living in for way too long.

      Again, thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Blue,

        I think I do understand and – by writing this – I know that there probably is no coming close to understanding from somebody who has not gone through what you have. I am aware that what you are doing now is something truely amazing.

        Jens

        Liked by 1 person

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