Terrified By Kindness

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I met a new friend awhile ago, God help me!

They were kind to me, “saw me,” appreciated me. We connected on a very deep level. Several days later we met again, and they were kinder. They wanted to get to know me, they were interested in me. They didn’t want anything from me but friendship. They are a real genuine kind person. Everything about them is kind.

Several more days passed and we met again, and since then they have showered me with surprise after surprise of thoughtful unexpected kind gestures. They showed a deep trust of me, and this has probably touched me the most.

And then I started to panic because this is unfamiliar to me. I realized that I don’t know how to let good into my life. With it comes the fear of getting hurt, of being misunderstood, and the biggest fear of all, losing!

Actually experiencing this kindness has made me cry a lot. Not a painful cry, but a deep, deep melting of something frozen inside of me. It is touching places that have not been touched in a very, very long time. There is an element of sadness to it, not from the kindness but from the awareness it brought to how starving my soul is for healthy, safe human interaction. It brought an awareness to just how deep of a void has been left inside from all that was stolen from me.

It is actually a very different experience than I have ever had in my life, a divine appointment! I weep because it made me realize how deeply I feel undeserving of such kindness. So now I am learning to be brave, not to survive harm, but to accept kindness in my life.

I am trying to learn to believe, to accept that good can come to me. I am learning that I can be treated well. And that from opening up my closed life, my broken heart, of risking to share my story, of starting to let go of the weight that holds me, there is room for good.

Because of everything that has happened to me, I am extremely cautious. But I realized that if I am filled with too much fear, no one will be able to come into my life. I am learning that the best tool I have to protect myself is my gut instincts. And to believe them. And my gut instincts are telling me that destiny just walked into my life.

I am touched at the braveness of this person. I think I have felt so much like damaged goods that someone good, someone really, really good would never risk enough to be my friend. I am aware of the courage, the selflessness it takes to care about someone who is broken. Not very many people will walk through everything with you in life. And most people would run with fear from someone struggling.

I have always found it deeply sad that as humans we often pull away from others at the most difficult times in their lives. Very few people walk toward you at those moments. And even fewer will walk beside you. I am beyond grateful for the courage and kindness of this new friend. They are a rare once in a lifetime kind of friend! They might think they just found a gem, but I know it is I who found the jewel!!!

The words in the following song depict what kind of a friend just found me:

“I’ll Keep Your Secrets” by Tarans-Siberian Orchestra: (lyrics follow)

Lost in your dark, I see you there
what do you see beyond your stare
and you believe that no one else can know

What is this thing you keep inside
out of the light and wrapped in pride
always afraid that one day it will show

I’ll keep your secrets
I’ll hold your ground
and when the darkness starts to fall
I’ll be around there waiting
when dreams are fading
and friends are distant and few

Know at that moment I’ll be there with you

What are these voices that you hear
are they too far or far too near
what are these things that echo from the past

Who are these ghosts you see at night
there in the shadows of your life
they only live by the light you cast

I’ll keep your secrets
I’ll hold your ground
and when the darkness starts to fall
I’ll be around there waiting
when dreams are fading
and friends are distant and few

Know at that moment I’ll be there with you

I’ll be around
when there’s no reason left to carry on
and every dream you’ve ever had is gone
and the dark is deep and black without a sound
and every star has been dragged to the ground
Know at that moment I will be around
Know at that moment I will be around
Know at that moment I will be around

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2 thoughts on “Terrified By Kindness

  1. You are a good person who deserves good things and good friends in your life. I know it can be difficult to let someone else into your life – this is part of the process to move forward and to grow. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful post. Best to you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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