I don’t really remember what sparked this in me, but in case you haven’t noticed, I do think deeply, feel deeply, and a part of that is always about trying to help myself be better. For a long while now, many years, I have struggled with being in the moment. I drift far away. I don’t even realize I do it. I hate that about myself because I often drift away when my husband tries to talk to me and I never want to ignore him, or not hear what he has to say. I don’t want to do that to anyone. I think being alone a lot, not having enough human interaction is what contributed to it becoming so severe.
I know this is caused by the abuse, that is what our minds do to survive what is happening. And with the dissociation goes the memories. That is how we survive terrible experiences. I have had plenty of people throughout my life force me into this state to survive. So on some level I don’t ask myself why, I realize how could I not?
My whole life I have done this to some extent. I have watched many movies, but never really saw most of them. I never really “watched” any of them, unless they were meaningful, heartfelt, or took me inside someone else’s life. It actually became a joke. For instance, I have seen Groundhog Day more than half a dozen times, but have never “seen” the ending. While it is funny, it is also sad.
My husband is very, very understanding. His feelings never get hurt. He is just sad for me. He always is gentle with me. He often will just touch my arm and ask me where I went or let me know I drifted away. And that is when I realize that it even happened.
I think some of it has to do with being hyper-vigilant. Having a feeling that I can never let my guard down, that I have to always be protecting myself, my inner world of torment.
A few months ago, before starting my blog, I decided to make a real conscious effort to stay present, to live in the moment, to stay present in my own life.
What I realized was that inside of me, in my thoughts, it was dark and depressing, filled with heartache, sadness, and pain. It wasn’t a good, healthy place for me to be. So I decided, on my own to stop going there. And I discovered that it wasn’t actually all that hard. It took a lot of consious effort, but I could do it. And being present was a whole lot more peaceful and calm. Now it is only a real struggle if I am stressed.
I managed to pull it off, but never really stopped to acknowledge what an accomplishment that was. Now if I struggle, it has to come looking for me, but I don’t go looking for it anymore.
Consequently, it throws me off when it does come. But I am slowly coming to realize that when things trigger anxiety, fear, or just crying uncontrollably, to just stop and feel it, sit with it, listen to it. I have had more of these since starting my blog. But I have survived them. They often come with a deep message, a revelation for me. And once I discover what that is, usually through writing, I begin to breathe and sleep again. And with each experience I am learning that these are not the end of my voice, of moving forward. But that they are a part of the journey.
I may always have unexpected times of getting knocked off balance. But I am learning that I can get back up again. The fear of these times was crippling me before. But I am learning to not be so afraid of them, but to accept them as a part of my journey back to myself.
Staying out of my thoughts and staying in the present has brought a lot more peace into my life.
And I did this all on my own. I did it by myself, for myself. I did it!