The following is something I wrote a few years ago. I must warn you, it is nothing but pure unbridled emotion. I share it with you in all of its rawness. It will let you see and feel the emotions behind this part of my story:
Daddy, the little girl inside of me has so much she needs to say to you, so my adult person can grieve with her and have a chance to continue on with life. Daddy, just last week I was driving down the road crying – screaming – like driving through a storm. I couldn’t see! Something started that I couldn’t stop. The words came out from deep inside of me. Screaming over, and over, and over again, “I want my daddy back.” So scared of what was coming out, I wondered if anyone could hear me? “God, I’m so angry at you. I want my Daddy back… ” I can’t change the way I feel. I’m scared to face the pain of a little girl – afraid to be alone – again! The screaming doesn’t stop – I’m needing someone to hold me! I feel her heart screaming from deep inside of me… screaming so loud because no one ever let her – cry – or scream – or feel! The words with such a force – raging – “I want my Daddy back, I want my Daddy back here – with me!”
Daddy, each day I stood at the door waiting for you to come home. When I saw you my day began. Do you remember, Daddy? Can you see me there waiting patiently for you on the inside… looking out, so small? A little girl with a longing heart – for you – the only person who loved me. What was I supposed to do? Life is so cruel! Should little girls ever be left alone? How could I live? How could I survive? Always struggling for the simplest thing – love, but I was alone. Only empty spaces were left inside of me – I was so scared. No one should ever be that alone! Do you remember those times sitting by your side holding the ball of material while your hands crocheted those oval rugs? You taught me so much sitting by your side. I fell asleep often in your arms – so many nights you carried me to bed. There is no better way to fall asleep!
Thank you for all the love you lavished on me. That was the only love there was to be for me. It made it so much harder to let you go away. I remember you cooking and sewing, you were like a mother and father. Was she jealous of me? The doubt she carried of your love for her, while your love for me there was no doubt, anyone could see. Did she blame me? If only you had been there during my painful teenage years – a black hole in me. She tore me apart from the inside – so carelessly saying things that wounded. No one could see the damage done hidden deep inside of me. I had to hold on reaching out to find you. This thing called life was a hell for me. I needed you, Daddy, here with me.
They couldn’t see the little girl inside frightened and ashamed – a burden way too heavy overwhelming me. A body so small overflowing with pain invisible in a world that didn’t notice me – dying of a broken heart. I was left to go through the motions of life, protecting them instead of them protecting me.
With you life made sense; I could make the grades. On that day my world split apart – confusion took over. You taught me how to spell, Daddy, tell me… how do you spell a b*r*k*n h*r*t? The letters in words have always scrambled since then. History lost meaning and science failed that day. How do you do math when nothing ever adds up? Left trying to survive, I could barely see. The importance of life was ripped away from me. You were my history. The letters in words remain scrambled. There is no point to history. When I was learning to spell you were so patient with me. There was no limit to what I could do – you believed in me. She was never patient like that. If she asked me to spell and the letters weren’t right, the book in my hands she grabbed away hitting me over the head reminding me, “You’re stupid,” she would shout.
I remember one day not long after you were gone I needed to be touched and held, but she pushed me away – her arms pulling back from me. When I needed her she replied, “You’re just a kid, what could you possibly have to worry about?” She silenced me! There was no more love in the world for me. Tell me Daddy, shouldn’t every little girl be loved?… Little girls should never be left alone – should they, Daddy? No one ever cared for me after you were gone. I couldn’t find you. Life didn’t matter anymore.
I was pushed aside. From a distance – through a neighbor’s window I saw the ambulance taking you away with no way of knowing you would never return again to me! They tried to tell me you passed away… in that one instant in time my soul was ripped in two. Daddy, where are you? What could have possibly been more important? Why did you have to go? Couldn’t you see I needed you here to protect me? The sexual abuse continued on long after you were gone. You were everything and then there was nothing – nothing – so alone, hurting, my heart breaking – no one to hold. I can’t reach you, Daddy. I never stop trying! Daddy, Where are you? I can’t find you anywhere. I search – I never stop searching, but you’re not there. Where are you, Daddy?
So often since then when I’m embraced I close my eyes imagining you here holding me, I can almost feel you… almost… You forgot to say goodbye. I didn’t know you were leaving me. Forever is a very long time, Daddy. I never got to say good-bye to you. How could I? In one instant in time there was nothing – you were gone. You always held me, I felt safe – never alone. After you were gone there was nowhere to go. No one to see all the shame and pain inside of me. I wish I could remember your last words to me – alone in that room – just you and me. Shattering… alone… without you. I lost something of myself that day, my life stuck in time in the past with you. The present too painful I couldn’t breathe! I couldn’t sing! The song was gone – the music of life taken out of me!
Nothing has ever been the same since then. I lost life – you were life to me! How could life go on when for us life stopped that day? Those last few moments before time stood still – alone with you… when you began falling towards me, falling to the floor – tell me, how does a little girl catch the whole world in her arms when it falls her way?… You were bigger than life – that instant in time I wish I could forever change – you would be safe. I would have caught you if only I weren’t so small… I try to play it back differently where I reach out never draw my arms back – I save you, but it never works out. I long to be the one saving you… I’m sorry I didn’t try to catch you when you fell that day. You were so big – the whole world to me. I was so little – helpless. I can’t forgive myself for not trying to save you – a heavy burden inside of me. How does a little girl live with this secret and shame… alone… not deserving life? Why didn’t you take me? You showed me how to die that day. My spirit lost – I thought there was no way for me to break the fall. I could have tried. My arms reached out – pulled back empty without you. I miss you, Daddy. My arms are still reaching out. They haven’t ever pulled back again since that day. I’m still trying to catch you. My arms are so tired, longing… I’ve held them out to you since then. I never caught you in my arms that day, but I caught you forever in here, inside of me. I can’t reach you – my arms still outstretched to feel you close holding me. How could I ever look you in the eyes again, Daddy? Can you forgive me? I’ve never stopped being sorry for that day. My arms outstretched – pulled back in fear… If only I had tried to catch you – maybe I couldn’t have saved you, but I would have held you – that one last time felt you close to me.
They took all the memories out there away – nothing of you left to see. They tried to take every memory of you away from me. I had to hold on tight inside. Everything out there was taken -ripped – away… as if you never existed, but you did inside of me. Can’t you see I had to hold on tight inside – nothing out there to embrace? I couldn’t let you go… your memories – your love – they couldn’t take that away from me. I need you, Daddy! I never got to say goodbye. I love you, Daddy! No peace – just shame and emptiness – this pain so fresh today… as if it happened just yesterday!
The following is a link to a poem I wrote titled, “Goodbye Daddy!”: