I am going to share something that has been troubling me for a very long time. Something that has escalated since starting this blog. It may offend some people. But that is not my intentions. This issue is something that is marring and hurting the understanding, and healing, and changes that need to be made in society to deal with the crisis of sexual abuse. These are my thoughts. These are my feelings. This is my blog.
First let me state that of all the men who sexually molest young children, or rape women, a large number of them have been sexually abused or raped themselves. However, NOT all men who have been sexually abused become predators. Most of them do NOT.
This puts a stigma on the men who do not harm others as a result of being victimized themselves. It is hard enough for men, even more so than women, to have a voice or speak their truth when they have been sexually abused. This is unfair and saddens me deeply for them. Men have it harder than women, they are victimized, held captive more than women by what has been done to them. Just by the mere fact that they are men makes it hard to share their truth. They are often left alone in silence to a degree most women victims don’t know.
Their pain turns inward for men. They often are left filled with anxiety, frustration, and anger. They are often out of touch with their own feelings and emotions. And they often can not even relate any of these to their abuse. They often are truly alone. Alone inside themselves and alone in this world. They are required to be stronger and braver than any human should ever have to be. They suffer greatly.
The stigma needs to be lifted. NOT all men who have been sexually abused, abuse others. Most do NOT.
For those who choose to molest others after being molested, it is something about who these men are that makes them abuse others. They must own what they have done and not blame it on the fact that they have been molested themselves. No excuses. None! It is a flaw in their character, in them.
Now on that same note, of all the women who are sexually promiscuous, participate in creating pornography, become prostitutes, or strippers, a large number have been sexually abused or raped. However, NOT all women who have been sexually abused do any of this. Most do NOT.
So if you have, own it. It is a flaw in your character that you chose to do that. Do NOT blame it on the fact that you were sexually abused and that is what you learned. It is most likely that you would have been sexually promiscuous anyway. That your need for attention would have taken you there separate from the abuse.
This is hard to hear, I know. But I am telling you that NOT all women who have been sexually abused choose these behaviors or make these choices. And I am talking about women who have experienced sexual abuse in the exact same way you have, some worse than your experience, who do NOT choose to exploit themselves sexually.
Many women have gone through their lives with most of the men in their life violating them, and still they did not become promiscuous. I am one of them. And yes, many have been molested by their own fathers, and do not become promiscuous.
It is a choice you made with what happened to you in the same way those who molested you chose to molest. At some point the buck stops and it stops with you!
As a woman who has been molested as a child for many years, seduced and raped as an adult, this is a slap in my face and to every other woman who has survived without choosing such behavior. It wounds my soul.
I have had someone compare me being violated by these men as an adult to their own promiscuity as an adult. What is there to compare? The one thing I can be proud of myself for, was ripped away. This is unfair! It is a stigma I do not want to wear. It is not mine. At what point are we responsible for our own actions no matter what happened to us?
I deal with shame over what others did to me. Now I feel I am left to deal with the shame and stigma of women who choose to be promiscuous. I do not relate, I don’t want to wear that stigma too.
No woman who has been molested should have to wear the stigma that women who have been molested are promiscuous. This is NOT true and it harms the majority of victims who have not made those choices as a result of their brokenness.
It also greatly harms the cause in getting society as a whole to get and understand this epidemic. It tarnishes the cause.
So if you are someone who made wrong choices after being sexually abused, please own them as a character flaw in you, not a result of being sexually molested. It is neither true nor fair to the rest of us. You can find forgiveness for yourself and help change this stigma.
If your promiscuity is a result of molestation, than your abuser can also claim they molested you as a result of their own victimization.
If you are a man or woman who has been harmed by sexual abuse, you are welcome here. I hope I am and can be helpful and encouraging to you.
But if you have been or are sexually promiscuous and have not owned it and your blog is riddled with sexuality and sensuality, whether through poetry, visual images or words, please do not leave comments on my blog, seek my encouragement, or my help in starting a blog. And the same goes for men who frequent these blogs and such sites. When I genuinely try to help you and then discover these things about you, it wounds my spirit. It makes me cringe. I question you and your intentions.
If attention is what any of you are looking for, please do not use sexual abuse, yours or anyone else’s, and exploit this epidemic for your need for attention. This all confuses those who already do not understand the dynamics of sexual abuse. And it hurts those who experienced what you have, but have not made the same choices in life that you have.
Feel your pain, express it, seek help and encouragement. But don’t make this already sensitive and gravely misunderstood crime against humanity even more confusing and damaging to those who have not chosen to willingly harm themselves or others as a result of their victimization.
Bottom line, whether a perpetrator or a victim, own your choices, own your character, own your behavior, or else you harm the rest of us.
Now, I want to be clear, I am not referring to women who have been dragged into prostitution through coercion or slavery, that is entirely not your fault. I am talking about women who chose to sleep around and be sexually exploitative of themselves in how they dress, interact with the world and the choices they made. And then turn around and blame their behavior, their choices, on being sexually abused. You hurt me, you hurt others, and you hurt yourself when you do this.
I struggle every day to rid myself of the shame of those who have defiled me. I try to feel my own purity that they have defiled. I do NOT want to be defiled by the choices you made with what happened to you as well.
And for the rest of you, please be conscious of how you exploit yourself and sexuality. You also mar and confuse this already misunderstood crisis. You can do your part too. Please, can we not all make sexuality something sacred? You do not exploit things that are sacred.
As for the men who participate in the further exploitation of women through pornography and such, with these women who choose to willingly exploit themselves, you are just grabbing the baton handed over to you by the perpetrators. You further exploit these women and all women. These women need blankets thrown over them, not your eyes or your bodies. They need to be shown a better way. You are only doing the bidding and calling of the perpetrators. You participate in their heinous crimes against women and children. I hope you can never look at any of these women, or yourself, in the same way again .
All of this hurts victims as well. It makes us question you, it makes us not respect you, it makes us not trust you. And you help to perpetuate the ignorance and the lack of care for, or concern over, the issue of sexual abuse and rape in society. So yes, we can all do our part.
We all pay a high price when a society is only about everyone doing what they want and getting what they want. Yes, what you do matters, all of you, every one of you!
After everything that has been done to me, my self-respect and dignity mean everything to me and I don’t want it tarnished anymore, not by you, not by anyone. I am a woman who wants to own who I am, untouched by those who defiled me. When they are all peeled away, I want what is left of myself.
I am at the point in my life that if anyone wants to be in my life, anyone, they need to be worthy of me. I am tired of feeling as though I am not good enough. I am not an easy woman when it comes to matters of the heart. And not just because of what happened to me, but because of who I am as a woman.
So much has gone wrong in my life, but I have kept the grace, class, kindness, and gentleness; everything I believe is the best part of being a woman. I want to own that, celebrate it and I want you to be able to make those changes in your life as a woman so that you can celebrate that too.
Forget what everybody else thinks about you, it is far more important what you think about yourself. And you can only be proud of yourself if you face your own truth and change your own life to match up to what kind of woman you want to be instead of hiding behind the false excuse of sexual abuse for your choices in life.
Be the woman you need to be for yourself, earn your own self-respect and that of the men and women in your life. Then and only then can we expect to be honored and cherished, and have a chance to change a society that wants to defile everything that is pure.