What made it so hard for me to write my story, to share it or my poetry, was the shear number of things that have gone wrong in my life. I feel embarrassed, humiliated, overwhelmed by the number of sociopaths and psychopaths that have been in my life. While I know in my head this is not my fault, there is a huge feeling in my emotions that there MUST be something wrong with me for all these things to have happened. And once you add in all the losses, it becomes unbearable!
I live with a tremendous fear that if someone knew it all, they would never stay in my life. That somehow they would even be afraid of me! Because what kind of person can be hurt this much, be betrayed this much, lose this much? Hollywood couldn’t make a movie to depict the endless cruelty that has been commited against one individual. It has a feeling of being unbelievable!
And so I hide! I hide from you, I hide from people who know me, I hide from myself! It is hard for me to post more than two poems at a time. I am afraid it is too overwhelming for everyone who reads them, that it is too overwhelming for me!
And so I keep coming to these pauses where I just want to run, shut it all down. I do not want to wait for the next painful blow of cruelty from anyone else who doesn’t believe, who doesn’t care, who will not listen, or walk this path with me.
I have lived being ashamed of my life, of my very existence. I am ashamed of me!
Having this blog has been huge. Everyday I have to peel my fingers away from the weapon I hold in my heart that wants to just blow it all up and run! I don’t know that I can do this and be safe.
What is crazy, is that I do not know what part of this fear is just in my head from past experiences, from family and friends not caring, not being able to walk toward me. These things have crippled me every bit as much as the abuse. And I do not know how much of my fear today, if any of it, is justified.
For everything I say, there is ten more things I do not. This fear runs deep. Hopefully, just writing all of this here will help it to lose its power over me.
People are often intrigued by my heart, my faith, my courage, and my words. But without enough light in them, only darkness gets cast back upon me.
And so I am afraid!