I Hate You!

image
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!

I hate you
for all the fear

I hate you
for all the tears

I hate you
for all the years

I hate you
for all the silence

I hate you
for taking all of me

For trying to kill
what life
was left in me

I hate
that no one knows
that no one saw

The worst for me
was before my children
were even born
and when
they were still so young

You broke me
until there was nothing left
of me to save them

I hate you
for that too

I hate
all of those before you
who made it possible
for you to do
all that you did to me

My voice was gone
my will to live

You promised love
but instead you
offered a prison
without walls

And through it all
I didn’t even know
I had a choice

I didn’t know
I didn’t have to
just take it

I hate
all of those
who harmed me
after you were through

I didn’t know
how to be free

I didn’t have
anything left of me

You were suppose to
cherish me

Instead you just
finished breaking me

In the end
it is me
that I hate

I hate
that I couldn’t
save myself
or my children
from you

I hate
that I was
nothing more
than an object
all my life

You
you were familiar

This
this now
trying to live
and to be loved

To be free
is the stranger
to me

Life is
upside down
inside out

I cannot find my
way around
all that has happened
all that went wrong

I thought
you were human
that it must certainly
be me

It is too painful
to feel
all that you did
to me

The price
of my freedom
has been too great

While you
you just walk away
with all the rest
of those who defiled me

You turn your back
you get to be free

I am left with
a million pieces
crippling me

I hate
all the pain
left inside of me…

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34 thoughts on “I Hate You!

  1. hello, first of all hugs to you! xoxo I feel your emotions and can relate to them! I hope you find healing and feel a beautiful and soft comfort in your life. when my husband took a second wife it almost broke me, to the core I was lost and devastated and it has taken me to this point to find comfort! It was the cherry on top of years of abuse and I just felt totally devastated! I am glad you are writing and getting this out!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for your pain and what you went through. When men cannot be men, women have to be stronger than life itself! I wish so much I could have felt the pain and dealt with it at the time. When I read your words I know you relate. You are amazing in all you have gone through and where you are now! You are an inspiration. Again, thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. thanks so much! when people read my story they are of course so lovely and supportive and also say wow how did you do it, but like you, I pushed the pain aside, I needed to survive and keep my kids safe and myself! I left him he then married his cousin 18 years younger, which just made me devastated, like a punishment and it was awful!!!! I was locked in, he would not divorce, had a baby 9 months later, came to visit, said he loved me, I fell back in to the cycle!! lived in that for 3 years.So then I felt the anger and was so upset! at the time going through it for years I held it together!!! I felt as you are feeling in this writing, so I could totally feel your pain and anger!! Love and hugs to you:)

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Wow! And you probably have gone through times of hating yourself for taking him back. I am glad I could write words that express your pain too, that allowed you to share yourself with me. I am honored!

          Liked by 1 person

        2. I have lots of guilt tons! I feel bad my kids had to be seeing this! I feel bad I thought we had the perfect life and I was doing a great job, I feel guilt yes for taking him back, but again we had a stable home to live in no more moving, trade off, he was not around and we had a house. He got us kicked out of many places in saudi so always moving. when he married I tried to divorce him, he said he would not pay, he then said hey lets buy a home. I had to for my kids!!! also he had threatened my life so I knew in the back of my mind to go along. Now it sounds absurd! But at the time it was total fear!! My kids are amazing and see no fault on me for his actions!they get upset and tell me there is no guilt. I always put them first and they do know that, but still!! GUILT! My adult kids traveled there a few years back and met his new wife and kid! It was awful but did resolve things for them! Thanks for your writing! Now I feel peaceful but still worried, still married!!

          Liked by 1 person

        3. I get the fear! You are in a much, much worse place than I am! My heart so goes out to you!

          It is strange how men can break you so much it can be hard to let the good in when it does show up in your life. My husband now has been beyond wonderful. It has taken me years, and I still work at feeling safe with him. He has just been patient and keeps telling me he is not going anywhere and that he will wait for me to trust him. And it has only been recently that I have begun to believe him.

          I am so glad you have been able to keep all your children with you and that they support you. I did not get away soon enough.

          Not being able to free yourself from your husband completely must make it impossible for you to find complete healing or closure. Your story is heartbreaking!

          Liked by 1 person

        4. I am so happy for you!! so happy you have moved on and have someone:) huge smile on my face. I just want to be divorced and move on but that wont happen so I will settle for just being safe and raising the kids, hoping he will stay away. his second wife left him as well!!! he now has a 5 year old!!

          Liked by 1 person

        5. I wish so much you could find love and happiness. I do not know where I would be without my husband. I also think very, very few men could do what he has done for me.

          You need to be able to take in all the love and support you can find in this world. Still having your children is probably a big help for you. You deserve love and kindness. You are a very precious soul. You are walking a path no one should ever have to walk, much less walk alone!

          Liked by 1 person

        6. I want to tell you how much I sincerely admire you. You are a stronger woman than I am. I could not even begin to imagine what you have gone through or even what you face today.

          Yes, I am blessed beyond belief and I do know that. And here I am with love in my life and I still struggle. My husband holds me through it all. He never once has had any expectation of me just “getting over it.” He feels and hears my pain and that probably makes it real to him. He just has stood with me waiting and loving me. And still I struggle.

          I am beginning to believe that a lifetime of pain is something we learn to manage, to get through the triggers, the fear, the sadness and still live. Writing certainly is helping me to release it, to have a sense of getting it out and helping me to grieve what never was mourned.

          I hope you can find a way to release your pain and find relief. It is strange we think being loved will fix everything, but it is when we are faced with it, the real battles begin. But this struggle is by far an easier one than yours.

          You are the strongest person I have ever met! I am truly in awe of you! I hope you can or have been able to open your heart to others, so that good can come into your life. I truly wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. And if I can be any light in your life, that would be an honor!

          Liked by 1 person

        7. You are awesome thank you so much! I have shared my story on the blog and people are so kind but I try to be positive and have not covered the second marriage which was a threat for years so when it came true was too much! I also have ocd so it is hard to share! when I read your poem I had to write you! Thank you so much. And yes the battle does begin later so I hope you can heal. for me I just want to live and be safe. He came in May which wasn’t good!! so I just want him to stay in saudi and leave us alone. I am being careful no rocking the boat until my youngest gets older and then I will divorce. I have no real outlet as I dont want to be too draining and depressing in my blog stories! who wants to read all sad and bad! So I try to make it interesting and positive as much as I can! Thanks for writing me and caring!! It is greatly appreciated!! hugs

          Liked by 1 person

        8. I struggle with the same anxiety with my writing and poetry on my blog. I get your feelings.

          Those who have experienced some of your pain will “get” it and understand. I have been amazed at the amount of people who have a heart and care enough to even try to undersrand.

          And, yes, for you safety is first! Please do not feel like a burden. Having this blog was not about just telling my story or getting it out. It was for someone like you. It brings meaning and makes some sense out of something that has made no sense in my life. I can only imagine what it took for you to share with me today. And then our inclination is to run, to hide because being vulnerable is so hard. I get that too. You are welcome here!

          Liked by 1 person

        9. Yes you get it!! I felt like wow I am writing to a stranger people will read this! I almost wrote and asked you to delete out of fear! so, yes it is difficult. I appreciate you caring! I have met so many friends here. Thank you!! I will probably write a very open post next which is scary but I have to! Like you I hope if someone reads it they will not feel so alone! thank you!! :))

          Liked by 1 person

        10. I want you to know that I do have a Contact Me page for this very reason, the link is in my menu. I want you to feel safe! If you want me to delete any or all of this I will. It will be easy to do. Please let me know.

          Liked by 1 person

        11. I feel everything you are saying. I go through all of these feelings myself if that helps you. Whenever I share any of myself or my story, I want to take it back, to run, to hide. The feeling can be overwhelming! It is sad to have to feel so vulnerable. You are not being paranoid. Those feelings are a real part of all that you have gone through. And I get it!

          Liked by 1 person

        12. Please, please, please do NOT feel that way. You cannot measure pain. I NEVER feel that way. You are still in a much more difficult place than I am. Your story is sacred to me and deep and painful and uniquely yours. It is different, but not less than mine. But I will delete it all if you really still feel that. But I wish you didn’t.

          Liked by 1 person

        13. I am very proud of you! Please let everything here be something you can be proud of, that you were able to say, “This is my life, and this did happen to me.” You have NOTHING to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You are a precious soul that was cruelly treated. AND that is putting it mildly! Let it be a release for you!

          Liked by 1 person

        14. You are a strong person who was taken advantage of and hurt so many times! I am so sorry huge hugs to you! I thought in reading your poem it was about spousal abuse! So I could relate to mental and verbal abuse by a spouse, but it is much more! you are a strong soul and I hope you are healing you deserve peace and happiness!!

          Liked by 1 person

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