I have just recently discovered why I have not been okay, why I have been struggling so much. I discovered what has been at the core of the deepest pain of my struggle. I have met the wall that has kept me from moving forward.
I’ve done many things I didn’t think that I could do. I never thought I could share my poetry or writings and I have done that. I NEVER thought I could share my story and I have done that.
Just as important as sharing my story, maybe even more so for me, was writing the two posts I wrote regarding my husband, “The Hero of My Story,” and the poem, ”He Is My Hero.” After writing these, I would read the poem, “He Is My Hero,” several times a day for weeks and just weep. I didn’t know what was transpiring inside of me at the time. But, through this poem, I finally was able to see all that my husband has done for me. And I began to take in his love and begin to really trust him for the first time.
After this I made some other very deep discoveries of what was at the core of the deep shame that I have. These I did not share here, but I was able to share them with my husband and a close friend. It was a way to release them and face them. I was able to have someone else look at them and help me see what I could not, that these were not my fault. But rather the result of evil people in my life and what they did to me. I no longer hold these feelings as tightly locked up inside of me. And I no longer feel alone with them. I am grateful to both of them for that.
After all of this, I still struggled deeply. I still had this sense of urgency that I cannot explain. I just was not okay. I was aware of something being at the heart of my deepest struggle.
While feeling this pain and crying, I began writing. And through my writing I revealed to myself what is at the heart of what has made nothing feel okay in my life. This is also something I will not share here.
However, this discovery is something that has affected my sense of myself or
rather the lack of myself. I experienced something at such a young age, and it has affected every aspect of my life. And I have had to relive it over and over again. When triggered by life experiences, it has been the most cutting of pains. To avoid feeling this, I have isolated myself. I haven’t wanted to ever feel that way again.
But we can’t control life! Making this discovery has helped me to see ”It”, the wall that stops everything else for me. While the discovery has been positive, in that I now know what it is I am dealing with, I don’t know what to do with it, or what it means for me. I feel as though I hit “the wall.”
It holds the key to my deepest fears and pain. What happened to me that caused it was done by others. These were things that never should have happened. But they have shaped how I feel about myself and how I believe others feel about me. They have been programmed into me.
I have not had enough positive experiences in my life to counteract them. I have mostly had experiences that reinforce them.
I don’t know what any of this means for me other than I have an awareness of what I am fighting, what I am up against. I have to believe that this is all positive and will allow me to move forward in a way I could not before.
It is all sad and unfair. It is evil what others have done to me. And I am left with the aftermath.
I was searching for something I thought I could find and fix. I ended up finding something that I don’t know how to fix. Right now I feel as though I discovered something that doesn’t feel fixable. It is at the heart of all my struggles. It is a wall, “the wall,” I am staring at it, sitting with it, and feeling numb by it.
So where do I go from here? I don’t know. I can tell you that the sense of urgency I felt is gone. And I do feel a sense of empowerment that at least I know what I am dealing with. Not knowing, the sense of the unknown, was frightening and is now gone.
Now I am faced with a different challenge, but it is at least no longer in the darkness. Life just gave me an answer that has left me with more questions. So I will just sit with it and learn from it and, in the process, move forward. And I will believe that if life leaves me with more questions, it can also eventually give me the anwers as well.
I have done many things I didn’t think I could do. So I must believe that this is just one more thing that I can and will do too.