Giving Thanks!

There are shining lights
in my struggle

There once was only one
and now there are two

My husband has faced
my fight and my struggle
to trust and to accept his love

The battle inside
has been painful and deep
a fear of love
that has seemed
impossible to beat

In order to have him in my life
I have had to endure
a tortuous struggle
of fear
and anxiety

With each tear and mounting fear
my husband just held me
and promised to never leave

He loved me
and loved me
even when I fought
and resisted

He loved me
and loved me
when others
would have fled

All his promises he kept
and he is still by my side
being kind and tender
through a raging war
that would make others wonder

Never once has he
stopped believing in me
I have let him into my life
even though it has hurt like hell
just trying to believe
that he would not be
like all of the rest

I have to feel the fear
of rejection and loss
in order to experience love
it is a struggle
with a heavy cost

I have found a friend
willing to face all of this too

They don’t run or reject me
they don’t even flinch
in the face of this raging war of fear
that was planted deep
and still lives after all these years

I have found a friend
that has and is
fighting hard to stay
a battle that is being fought
and instead of tearing us a part
is making our connection
deeper and deeper still

Having love in your life
should not be this hard
it should not be a battle

A “normal” person
would not have to struggle so

But here I am 
after all the damage done
I am blessed
with two people
not just one
who believe in me
who tell me I am worth it

I have to be willing
to experience the pain
and unbearable fear
if I am ­going to experience
this kind of deep friendship
which is the price I pay
for the sins of others

I either face this pain
and have two miracles in my life
or I experience the pain
of aloneness and isolation

There really is no escape
so I might as well choose
love over aloneness
for it will be a struggle
either way

I have shared
the deepest pain
of my struggle
I am aware how amazing it is
to find even one person
to care and love you enough
to walk this painful journey
much less two

I know I am blessed
I know being loved
should not hurt
or be filled with fear

I am also blessed
that they both know
it is not them or me
but that it is the price
of evil men
that came before

It has taken years and years
for my husband to begin
to win my trust

It is unbelievable
that a friend could begin
to win my trust too

My heart is so thankful
for both of you!


2 thoughts on “Giving Thanks!

  1. Wow…just wow…your introspection is amazing and brave and inspirational and eye opening. I’ve done some very shameful things in my marriage and my husband had stood by while I tried and tried to push him away. I think your message of strength is one that could literally change lives.

    Liked by 1 person

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