Not All Of Me

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My blog and poetry are a glimpse inside a part of my inner world. It is like looking at me from the inside out. They are not a reflection of how I live my life or who I am from the outside looking in. These are things I have kept hidden from the world my whole life. It has been a heavy weight to carry.

All that I write here is a part of my inner world of thoughts and feelings. It is all the unshed tears and the unmourned grief. It is about all the things that happened to me over and over again. My words here are a reflection of all that has been silent and unspoken for years.

I have met perfect strangers in the grocery store who have started talking to me and telling me their troubles. And have looked at me when they were through and said, “You have such a calming presence.” This is a theme that has been expressed to me many times in my life by both family and friends. Inspite of all that I write here, that is deep inside of me, I have been able to be a calming presence in others’ lives.

Throughout my life, I have had as much of a need to give love as I have had to receive it.

This blog and my poetry are not who I am as a total person. They are a reflection of my heart and soul. They are everything that no one else who knows me has ever known or seen. You who read my blog, know more of my life’s history and the turmoil of my heart than anyone who has ever known me.

When I write a poem, it is a weight lifted.

I will not deny that I cry almost every single day. My emotions are very close to the surface. But I do not live in them. I feel them and often they result in what I write here on my blog. My blog in so many ways carries the weight, and leaves me feeling a little lighter.

I also laugh every day. I smile, I talk and I have so many other things to say. My blog is not all of me. It is the deepest part of me, but it is not all of who I am.

My poetry is a reflection of the pain and anguish behind the events in my life’s story. They are a result of what happened to me by others who were evil and cruel.

Speaking my voice here is not me dying, but rather finally living. This is me finally speaking and having a voice. Letting all of this out is so much better than holding it in.

So when I write my poetry,  it is not a “bad” thing that is happening. But instead, it is about bad things that have happened to me. Things that I have still not yet fully realized or taken in myself.

I could stop writing, but then it would be inside of me instead of here on these pages. Here is a much better place for them to live. And I do hope that they will mean something to someone, maybe even put into words someone else’s pain, and maybe even help someone who has been through similar experiences.

I need and want my poetry to not be seen as something that is hurting me. But rather as a reflection of all that has hurt me. It is everything that is unjust and should be worn and felt and experienced by those who broke my spirit, who caused my tears to bleed, and who had utterly no regard for my life.

But my blog is not all of me!

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7 thoughts on “Not All Of Me

  1. I understand and can relate to you completely. I feel the same way about writing. I write about saddening thoughts I hold bury deep inside my mind and soul so I can release them. I also cry a lot but I laugh, dance, love and enjoy life too. But when it comes to writing I need to express my darkest fears and feelings. Your poems are beautiful and they definitively mean something to others that can relate to your story. Keep up the good job! XO Nina

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for letting me know that you relate. People could think we are negative, when actually my husband is always telling me how delightful I am to be with. We laugh all the time together.

      Somehow when we have been abused, writing often is the only “voice” we have. Abuse forces us to be silent and that is what destroys us. For me when I started writing it was like a dam that broke and the flood waters keep pouring through the breach.

      I am so sorry that you struggle too. It is comforting to know that someone else can relate, but it is also sad. Again, thank you for all your thoughtfulness and kind words.

      Liked by 2 people

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