The Sadness Of It All

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In a recent post, Not All Of Me, I put a few links to some of my older posts. After drafting the post, I checked each of the links to make sure they worked.

One of them was a link to my post, An Untold Life. I ended up reading it for the first time since I posted it. I couldn’t get past the picture or the first few words without crying. Just the thought of any of it is so terribly sad. Tears rolled down my face as I read through the whole story again. I struggled to see through my tears to read each word. Even the comments were emotional to read.  It has left me crying since.

I realized that it could have been written so much better, and yet there isn’t anything I would change about it. Because while reading it, I could sense, and feel, and remember how terrified I was while writing it. Those feelings were palpable to me as I was reading.

It isn’t just the story, or how sad it is, or what happened, but the fact that I’ve had to live with it locked up inside of me all these years. It is also the fact that I still have not fully grasped all that has happened to me. Most of the sadness lies in the fact that I never got to feel, or experience, or mourn any of it.

I shut down, became numb, and disappeared in my own life, from the reality of what happened. I existed only in every one else’s reality of what they defined or needed that I be.

I can’t fathom what anyone would have been thinking, or feeling, or could have even experienced in their own life that would make them want to harm the innocence and fragileness of who I was, of who I am. They would have had to hate the light, to hate innocence, to hate the love inside of me.

There are no words to describe the deep, deep sadness, and pain, and scars it has left inside of me. There are no amount of words or poetry that could ever do it justice, even if I wrote a thousand poems, even if I wrote one every day for the rest of my life!

But it has made me realize why I have a need to try. It all needs to go somewhere. Imploding is no longer an option.

I think the only way for me to mourn any of it, is one poem at a time. It is after I write them, that I can feel the feelings and begin to cry and mourn and even acknowledge that it happened at all.

I couldn’t cry enough tears to wipe away all the pain. I can at least get rid of the denial and face the reality that these things did happen, and that they happened to me. I can at least keep moving forward. I can at least voice it and release it and try!

All of this has left me with so much sadness. While I do not live in this sadness all the time, the sadness does still live inside of me!

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9 thoughts on “The Sadness Of It All

  1. Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear about it. I also read your last post and An Untold Life recently. Your story broke my heart. I also been a victim of long lasting chronic sexual abuse by someone close to the family and I understand what you’ve been through. I can relate and understand your misery and sorrow. Just like you I number my feelings so I wouldn’t feel the pain but it’s time to let the feelings go. You do that so beautifully through your poems and I’m very glad they’re helping you to cope with your trauma. Sending you warm thoughts. XO Nina

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    1. I am so sorry to hear what you went through! When you hold it in, it is not like you lived in the sorrow your whole life. The effects were experienced in so many unseen ways. Experiencing it now all together is complicated and at times overwhelming. Again, I am sorry to hear of your struggle. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

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  2. “It all needs to go somewhere. Imploding is no longer an option.” This line is why I write. In think it’s why we all do – at some point we realize we can no longer keep it all in. Blue, I love your poetry and I am happy that you have found a way to let some of the pain and sadness go in a beautifully creative way.

    I read a quote recently that if you don’t give a creative mind something creative to do it will find something else to do and you might not like that something else. This really resonated with me and perhaps it will with you too. 💜

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  3. Wow! I just finished reading it. And for the first time. For the first time in a long long time, my mind wasn’t focused on my own kids but on that 5 year old girl. Saying I’m sorry will never change the past. Saying you are truly amazing will be an understatement. I don’t think there are any words that anyone can say that would make it all feel better. Or disappear. But you here you are now. Here you are telling the story. The story of that beautiful strong 5 year old. I don’t really send hugs, but today I’m sending you one BIG one.

    Liked by 1 person

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