My faith is important to me. Being able to keep love in my heart is important to me. They are important because they effect how I feel about myself and the person I want to be. They effect my ability to recognize myself, to know who I am, to even remotely begin to love myself again.
This has been a journey of discovery. I realized that it is easy to have faith when everything is going great in your life. It is easy to love someone when everything is great between you. But when everything is great and life is easy, it is no real measure of faith or love.
It is when life is difficult that our faith and love really get tested. That’s when we find out what we and others are really made of. This is when we discover how strong our faith and our love really are.
In the face of everything that has happened to me, I have never lost my faith in God. I have wondered where He was, I have cried and screamed at Him, and to Him. But, in the end I would sit in the quietness of the deafening silence and make a conscious decision that I would never stop believing. I would not stop believing even if I never received an answer or understood why. Even if I remained alone and without joy, I would still believe. Because if I didn’t, my faith would mean nothing. That is what faith is, believing no matter what.
Life can be hard, it can be cruel, it can be devastating, it can be heart breaking. I know this, but I have made the choice to believe and have faith no matter what.
Don’t get me wrong, I do not want my life to be tested any more. I do not want to live in heartache. I am tired and worn out! I have had it! But I won’t let it determine my love or my faith.
I want joy in my life. I have this relentless hope that my heart can have the capacity to feel joy to the level and depth that it has and does feel sadness, sorrow, and heartache. I will never stop believing or hoping that I will experience that too. But I won’t wait for it to believe or have faith.
So, I can only hope that my faith and capacity to love counts for something in the face of my life that has been filled with heartache, betrayal, and the most excruciating of all, a sense of aloneness. But yet I believe.
My belief does not come without struggle. Nothing can make me cry and weep more than telling me that I deserve anything: love, happiness, joy… Just feeling loved, any love at all, makes my soul cry. I do feel untouched, unheard, misunderstood, without the most basic of human needs met. I feel alone in my soul, in my grief, and anguish. For anyone to understand or care in the slightest touches the deepest and most wounded part of my soul. It makes me face how broken I really am. It hurts, it hurts because my soul has only longed for compassion, to be heard, to be understood. In the face of love or compassion, my heart weeps.
So everything I say here about faith and love does not mean I don’t understand anyone who struggles with either, because I do understand. I struggle every day with accepting anything good in my life. I have faith, and I believe, but it is hard to believe that I deserve anything good.
We all have our struggles. I am not saying that I don’t struggle with my faith. I am saying it has been a consious decision to believe.
Through all that has happened to me in life, it isn’t just what I endured, it isn’t just that I was alone through most of it, that no one was there to help me or comfort me. What hurts the most, is that I was faced instead with a lot of cruelty while facing the pain alone. It has been the price for having too many evil, uncaring, and unloving people in my life. While I know in my head that cannot be my fault, the effects it has had on me run very deep.
But I haven’t let other people take away my faith or my desire or ability to love. Both are what sustain me.