I Might Have Survived You

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The other day, I found a folder with poems I wrote during and after experiencing therapist abuse. They express some of my pain and internal struggle. I will publish several of them. The following is the first one:

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for all those years
of sexual abuse by my brother-in-law
as a child

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for the betrayal
of my mother
who instead of loving
and protecting me
forced me into his abuse

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for the betrayal
of my family
who chose to look the other way

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for the loss of my father
as a little girl
I lost too much, too soon

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for my mother
who abandoned me
after my father’s death

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for my husband
all those years of abuse
living in a psychopath’s world

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for the loss
of my two babies
who were a part of me
but I lost too much
too soon

I might have had a chance to survive you
if it weren’t for the abuse
and betrayal of a pastor
who used me
when I asked for help
to survive all this pain

I might have survived you
if it weren’t for the betrayal
of the church
re-victimizing me
instead of being supportive
and protective

I might have had a chance to survive you
if it weren’t for all the pain
I already had
when I came to you

If only you could have been different
from everyone else in my life

If only you could have seen me
not as an object
but as a person
I needed a chance to know this could be
I needed to believe in you
I needed to trust you
can’t you see

I might have had a chance
to survive you
if only you would have
counted the cost for me

I might have had
even the slightest chance
to survive you
if it weren’t for the fact
that YOU were a chance
a hope

Instead of giving me hope
you took…
among so many things
the hope I had
away from me

You betrayed my trust
filled me with shame
broke my spirit
filled me with humiliation

What you did
left me empty inside
more alone than I already was
you killed something
inside of me that I can’t get back
you have caused me to live my life
hiding from life itself

I fear once again
I am losing way too much
too soon

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18 thoughts on “I Might Have Survived You

    1. While I wrote this several years ago, it is a part of my life I have not faced yet. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of all the things that went wrong in my life! Posting this was hard. Maybe I will be able to grieve this too. Maybe I will find a way to put it all in its rightful place. It does make me see the incredible resilience of the human spirit. Not just in myself, but in you and all those who have suffered at the hands of evil! If we were ever able to rise up united, what a powerful force we would be!

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      1. This is all sad for you! I don’t think trying to destroy those who have destroyed us is the answer. Standing up to that kind of evil can really only be done by others who are willing to defend us or a society that sees these things as evil. And unfortunately, for most of us, neither of these happen. The best thing we can do to combat this kind of evil is to not lose the best parts of ourselves and to build up the good inside of us. The war has to end somewhere inside of us. We spend so much time resisting the pain and fighting it. And I think this just prolongs our suffering. I think instead, when the time comes that we can, we need to lean into the pain. We need to feel it and let it speak to us. That is the way out. Our pain has a lot to tell us and teach us. And unlike the words of others, it will be compassionate toward us and teach us things that will help us at least understand ourselves better. It has the capacity to bring us back to ourselves.

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        1. I didn’t mean destroy “them.” I meant destroy the evil…which technically, I guess, is them. Yikes.
          I’ve been feeling the pain for years and years and years. I’ve been leaning into it. I have never fought it. I think trying to hide it is harmful but it sure hasn’t done much for me…feeling it. Maybe it’s simply a matter of…I have never really been happy. I’ve never really known love…so there’s a comfort in the pain. It’s all I’ve ever known. Does that make sense?

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        2. It makes a lot of sense. This is why even when love comes, we often still aren’t happy. With or without love in our lives we are left to find it somewhere inside ourselves. Having love certainly makes it easier. One day I realized how sad I was because no one showed up for me, and then I realized the saddest part was that I never showed up for myself. We couldn’t then, but we need to figure out how to now. And it is painful to realize how hard it is.

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        3. And I get that too! You may need to just take a break. I have felt many times as though maybe I was looking for something that was not there, that was not ever going to be there. And then what if I am it? That made me focus on what I could control. My life depended on it. Don’t give up on yourself! Your life depends on it! There is nothing wrong with being tired and taking a break.

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  1. god how I applaud you, your courage to speak your truth. Please, let go of your shame. Let’s both let go of our shame of what wasn’t our fault anyway. I too am speaking of things that I shiver each time I hit publish. But It’s part of the process. When we can say it out loud, we win. We’re winners! ❤

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    1. Oh Mandy, this is incredible to hear from you when I know you have suffered so much! Thank you for your words… It helps tremendously to know you get what this feels like. You are right about saying this out loud. It has had such a grip on me and I have not been able to grieve so much of what has happened to me. And this is one of them. Writing somehow lets me do this. I have been so afraid… Your words mean more than I can say! Your courage has been an inspiration to me!

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      1. Just keep writing it, telling it. That’s what ultimately will set us free. I have to hang on to that. Exposing those who destroy lives won’t change what happened, but it will help someone else, either prevent it or help someone else know they aren’t alone. We are in this together ❤

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