Living With What You Know

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Life is so hard
When you want so desperately
To be loved…
…and when love finally comes
You live in fear of being hurt by it…
…of losing it

When life has been nothing
But a risk
With you on the injured side
It steals away the trust
Inside of you

When in life…
…whenever you risked to love
To trust
To believe in good
Everything you hoped
And dreamed
Was ripped away from you

When what should bring joy
Brings fear and anxiety instead

It is so hard to stay
So difficult to love and trust
When the risk
Has always been greater on your side
Against you

When the hammer
Has always fallen
And safety never came
When there was never any limit
To the fear and pain

When death and heartache
Always came so unexpectantly

When hands hurt
And never healed
When love and trust
Always
Were the mask of betrayal

It is a heavy price to pay
For being a child
For being innocent
For being broken
For losing time and time again

How do you ever
Keep your heart open
When it hurts like hell
To trust and believe
In things so foreign
That you never knew

How do you trust
And love and believe
When it is always
A fight inside of you?

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11 thoughts on “Living With What You Know

  1. One of the challenges in life that we are all facing (some more some less) is overcoming our vulnerability allowing us to experience life and, most important, love in all its aspects. Overcoming vulnerability does not mean to eliminate it, but to accept its presence as one of THE main driving forces, pushing an pulling us through this strange thing called life.

    Experiencing abuse of any kind is terrible and it seems our societies are drifting into a state where abuse becomes the standard instead of the exception. We are simply not given the choice. In general it appears that, for our economies and for those in power, keeping us vulnerable (and to fuel fear) is very desirable, as we all long for safety and in turn are susceptible to accepting simple solutions offering relieve. Only in few cases have I seen that
    countries or societies are encouraging and training us to seeing our fellow human beings in a loving, compassionate and respectful way. People that risk life and see all the options are much harder to control than those who allow themselves to be put into a cage under the pretense of own safety.

    The simple solutions society offer to solve problems of society (or that we are offering to our self to solve our own problems) are actually not eliminating the risks of life nor are they easy solutions to life. Our honest response to the complex problems and risks of life should actually be embracing life itself. We should trust in ourselves allowing us to live the moment and to offer our authentic self to the situation and to fully expose our self to love, to give and to take it.

    There is no safe haven to life. We have got to walk our path, no matter what. Time is – sort of – dragging us through. What we often don’t realize is that we cannot pass the responsibility for our life and for our deeds and decisions on to others. Our souls have taken this choice to live this life. Every cell in us has this urge to live. We are “programmed” for life and we are designed to cope with the risks of life in a way that is unique to us. By this I mean that we are designed to live life as social beings … thus other humans are the source of our vulnerability and at the same time they are also part of our fulfillment..

    I truly believe in love. We are all given the opportunity to live love in our lifetime by meeting all these people with whom we can experience love and fulfillment. But we won’t be able to experience love, if we don’t allow this closeness to those who give us this chance. It is the acceptance of our vulnerability (with the risk of experiencing failure and shame) that gives us this chance.. So I plead to keep our eyes and hearts open to risk seeing the bad but the good in life, too.

    Blue, I am so sorry about what you had to go through in your life. Reading your poems, I have to tell you, people with your depth of heart and soul are very rare. You have kept your flame of love burning throughout
    your whole life with varying intensities. I am sure that you “know” that this flame is your essence in life and your key to find fulfillment. Because of this I am certain you succeed and find fulfillment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jens, first of all, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share all of this. I do know that love is a risk for all of us and this risk is inescapable. For many the risk becomes paralyzing. As you shared here, I am beginning to realize that abusers choose the most vulnerable to abuse, but that doesn’t mean they are the weakest. Abusers just need to be able to successfully convince you that you are weak. Probably the biggest damage done, is to take away our ability to trust our own instincts. I wrote this a few days ago when I found myself crying, but not knowing why. The fear of losing and being hurt seems to be a roller coaster ride that comes and goes in intensity. But in reality, the greatest safety net we all have is our own instincts. Learning to trust them can build confidence in ourselves for things that we can never find in someone else. Without love life really has no meaning, so there has to be a solution for the multitude of people being paralyzed by fear. Thank you for all of your kindness!

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    1. Yes it is. I think the greatest damage is convincing us that we are weak and taking away our ability to trust our own instincts. Living our lives always looking for answers from others makes us even more vulnerable. I think our own instincts and emotions are always trying to guide us, but often it might as well be an unknown language speaking. And sometimes we are even afraid of our own instincts. They always speak the painful truth even when we are not ready to hear it. This is something I have been thinking about over the past few days after writing this.

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      1. I have always had really good instincts and have always trusted my gut….but when it comes to your “husband” or even your children, it becomes muted somehow. I always “felt” something was off but I dismissed it. It is so sadly true that the ones you have to be leery of are the ones you trust the most….and I trusted beyond limitation. Lesson learned, though. Ex pig-shit husbands are one thing….your children…something all together different and soul-killing.

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        1. This is what is so crazy! It is not that we don’t have excellent instincts, it is our ability to trust them, to believe them, to follow them. Everyone else’s voice seems to so easily overshadow them, and this is the result of abuse. There has to be a way to live in this power that is inside of us, that never really left us. It was just overshadowed and controlled by others.

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  2. I’m beginning to walk through repressed memories of abuse that are now surfacing and its horrifying. I keep telling myself Im crazy and lying and making it up for attention despite the fact that there is no reason to, all the evidence points to it, things suddenly make a lot of sense…and I can’t attempt to validate it because I’m so afraid. No one will believe it. I’ve reached out to two people with even the tiniest of questions and they have pulled back and slapped my hand in defense. So how do I move on? I feel trapped in a world that doesn’t make sense and I have lost all confidence in myself and my gut instincts. I was a strong person. I was proud of who I had become. Maybe I never was and it was a mask that for some reason no longer fits and I can’t put it back on. Those who have controlled me all my life…their voices ring the loudest in my head right now, telling me I’m crazy, over dramatic, over analyzing, too intense…I don’t know what to do or how to move forward. It’s debilitating.

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