I had no idea that my blog would be the beginning of living. Since starting my blog, I began to take a Spanish class, and then we bought bikes and have been discovering a lot of riding trails. These things may seem simple, but they have opened up so much inside of me that has been dead for a long time.
While all of this is good, very good, it is an adjustment. Sometimes it is overwhelming, in a wonderful way.
I haven’t been writing much, not because I don’t want to, but because it is taking a lot of energy to process my life and all that has transpired over a fairly short period of time. I don’t know that I ever learned to live life and experience moments of joy when they passed by.
Playing the drums opened up a part of me, or at least gave me access to a part of myself. Riding bikes and being outside in nature has allowed me to begin to dream again and feel alive and a part of this world. I can honestly say that for the first time, I am experiencing nature while being able to be present.
Before I have always been aware I should be feeling joy or pleasure, but instead I felt numb or sad. These are some of the experiences that used to make me feel keenly aware that something was wrong with me. But I had no recourse to fix it.
Most of what I am experiencing is new and wonderful. It is a transition that is taking me time to process and adjust to. And my Spanish class has consumed a lot of my effort and energy as well lately.
At the same time I am becoming aware of the contrast between my conscious and unconscious emotions. The emotions that are buried deep that probably hold the memories I don’t have access to. These are teachable moments. Sometimes frightening and sometimes bringing clarity to my fears. It is nice to have at least a mixture of joy and sorrow, instead of just sorrow in my life.
It is really wonderful being able to feel the joy of nature. And riding a bike in some ways makes me feel free. I find myself being sad when we need to stop and go home.
I have this feeling that I want to hold onto these moments. I find myself wanting to savor these moments that I have missed out on so often before in my life. Nature truly is a gift. And it is magical when we have the ability to receive it and take it in.