Afraid To Be Me

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I had a revelation a few days ago! I was talking to a friend and the words just came out. Something I had never thought about or said before. The conversation just continued. I didn’t realize until later what I had actually said or how deeply revealing my words were.

I am afraid to be me! I am afraid to be my authentic self.

It was my authentic self that was abused and taken advantage of. It was my authentic self that was vulnerable and trusting.

I learned that it was dangerous to be me!

I long to feel comfortable and safe being gentle and kind. To be who I was before my life was put on guard. Before I had to always be hypervigilant, constantly watching out for danger.

I miss who I was before they let me know I wasn’t worth it. Before they pierced into my soul the fact that I wasn’t good enough or valuable enough. Before they let me know I am disposable, that no one cared about me. That no one would even notice I was dying inside.

I miss me!

I never realized how afraid I am to be kind, to be honest, to be my authentic self. It feels dangerous! It was the innocent authentic me that was abused, and taken advantage of. It was my authentic self that was tossed aside and abandoned. It was me that was never loved.

It was my authentic self that was never good enough or strong enough. It was my authentic self that made life so terribly unsafe. I never realized the fear I have inside of simply being me.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked why I didn’t speak up or defend myself or tell someone when they hurt me. It is because I am terrified of being me. If I am myself, bad things will happen. That is what my life experiences have taught me to be true.

It is what they took away from me. It is what they tore down. It is what they hated about me. I was everything they could never be. They hated me!

I want her back!

They may have despised her and laughed at her and saw ripping her away from me as a sport.

But I want her back!

I can let her be seen, but not without fear. I don’t want to be afraid to be kind or thoughtful or honest or generous.

They saw all these qualities as weaknesses. To me they are all the best parts of myself, of who I was, of who I am. I want to be able to feel safe when I am my authentic self. I want to feel safe being me.

I want to love me, instead of being afraid to be me!

I want to risk living being my authentic self with the wonder of a child, the love of an open heart, with the kindness that heals the soul. I want to feel safe telling the truth and being honest with my feelings and emotions.

I want to be able to say when I have been hurt. I want to be heard. I want to be my authentic self and be loved for it.

I want to know I can be myself and life can be safe. I want to risk living my authentic self again. I want to be me!

I always thought I was afraid of others, and I am. But I never knew that what I really was afraid of, was being myself.

I just wish it didn’t feel so dangerous to be my authentic self!

I wish I wasn’t so afraid to be me!

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10 thoughts on “Afraid To Be Me

    1. Thank you! I am aware these are the deep feelings of countless others… Abuse causes us to share a commonality within the reservoirs of our soul. Thank God for being able to express them sometimes through the written word. And for friends who will listen long enough to let these revelations escape.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. This is how I feel as well! I was told for so long that the only “Me” I knew how to be wasn’t good enough so I had to “adapt” in order to survive. Honestly, I don’t even know who the “real Me” is anymore. 😕

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is very sad! Hopefully being aware of this can be a start. I understand how you feel. I think it will take time. And having at least one friend who will love you enough to walk this journey with you of self discovery.

      Some people could look at us and think we are weak or fake or not honest, never knowing how much we are dying inside to be set free. Adapting to survive is not weakness, it is a necessity. And surviving takes a tremendous amount of courage.

      I can tell you that you have an authentic innocence, and curiosity, and wonder inside of you. I can tell you that you are brave, and courageous, and smart. You had to be all these things to survive.

      Thank you for being vulnerable and honest in your comnent. And this time when we discover who we really are, let’s do it for ourselves so no one can ever take “her” away from us again. I hope you can discover the qualities you love about yourself and embrace them.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. When the words came out of my mouth, they were very enlightening for me as well. I get what you are feeling. I can see how you would relate deeply to this, I don’t know how you couldn’t with all that you have been through. We have a lot of self discovery ahead I am sure. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

      Like

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