I had a revelation a few days ago! I was talking to a friend and the words just came out. Something I had never thought about or said before. The conversation just continued. I didn’t realize until later what I had actually said or how deeply revealing my words were.
I am afraid to be me! I am afraid to be my authentic self.
It was my authentic self that was abused and taken advantage of. It was my authentic self that was vulnerable and trusting.
I learned that it was dangerous to be me!
I long to feel comfortable and safe being gentle and kind. To be who I was before my life was put on guard. Before I had to always be hypervigilant, constantly watching out for danger.
I miss who I was before they let me know I wasn’t worth it. Before they pierced into my soul the fact that I wasn’t good enough or valuable enough. Before they let me know I am disposable, that no one cared about me. That no one would even notice I was dying inside.
I miss me!
I never realized how afraid I am to be kind, to be honest, to be my authentic self. It feels dangerous! It was the innocent authentic me that was abused, and taken advantage of. It was my authentic self that was tossed aside and abandoned. It was me that was never loved.
It was my authentic self that was never good enough or strong enough. It was my authentic self that made life so terribly unsafe. I never realized the fear I have inside of simply being me.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked why I didn’t speak up or defend myself or tell someone when they hurt me. It is because I am terrified of being me. If I am myself, bad things will happen. That is what my life experiences have taught me to be true.
It is what they took away from me. It is what they tore down. It is what they hated about me. I was everything they could never be. They hated me!
I want her back!
They may have despised her and laughed at her and saw ripping her away from me as a sport.
But I want her back!
I can let her be seen, but not without fear. I don’t want to be afraid to be kind or thoughtful or honest or generous.
They saw all these qualities as weaknesses. To me they are all the best parts of myself, of who I was, of who I am. I want to be able to feel safe when I am my authentic self. I want to feel safe being me.
I want to love me, instead of being afraid to be me!
I want to risk living being my authentic self with the wonder of a child, the love of an open heart, with the kindness that heals the soul. I want to feel safe telling the truth and being honest with my feelings and emotions.
I want to be able to say when I have been hurt. I want to be heard. I want to be my authentic self and be loved for it.
I want to know I can be myself and life can be safe. I want to risk living my authentic self again. I want to be me!
I always thought I was afraid of others, and I am. But I never knew that what I really was afraid of, was being myself.
I just wish it didn’t feel so dangerous to be my authentic self!
I wish I wasn’t so afraid to be me!