No Amount Of White!

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I love the color white. Let me rephrase this, I need the color white!

To a lot of people white is sterile and boring. To me it is pure and breathes life into me. Don’t get me wrong, I love having other colors in my life. My next favorite color is all shades of purple. If I could, I would plant a field of wild purple flowers.

But white is something that is deeper than a like or love, I need it. It reminds me of my own purity before others defiled me. It makes me feel safe.

When we first moved into our home, I struggled for a long, long time. To put it mildly, I was paralyzed. I wrote about all of this in an earlier post. When we moved in, our goal was to paint every room ultra pure white within the first two weeks. That didn’t happen. One crisis after another drew us away from our goal. And with each passing crisis or project that we worked on, my heart sank a little more.

Now it is almost eight years later and we have only managed to paint the living room and dining room. These two rooms were no small project, I won’t get into why.

Over these past eight years, the painting of the rooms in our house has been a very emotional discussion for us. Emotional in a deep irrational way. Sometimes my husband asks me, “Why does this make you so emotional?” I can’t even think about it, or write about this without crying. The emotions run deep.

When the discussion arises over working on our house and these emotions inevitability arise, it makes my husband feel as though I am upset with him or disappointed in him. This causes him stress and anxiety. And it makes me feel sad and causes stress and anxiety in me because I am not disappointed in him and he has not let me down. I would never want to make him feel this way. He has worked tirelessly and has been amazing in his efforts to take care of our home.

But because I didn’t even understand completely why I am so emotional, it has been very hard for both of us. And because of this, I don’t talk about it very much anymore. Not talking about it allows me to be unaware of these deep emotions, but does not make them go away. We have gone a long time not having this discussion. But yesterday we did!

The emotions arose and we were caught once again in this stressful situation. Both of us love each other dearly and don’t want to disappoint the other. But these emotions sit in the middle of everything that has to do with our home.

I happened to say, I feel as though I have a house, but I don’t have a home! This made my husband’s heart sink. I didn’t mean it to hurt him. It wasn’t even about him. It is about whatever is going on deep inside of me.

Later that evening I mentioned this conversation to a friend. And while talking, I said something that gave me insight into what is really going on.

My friend has been so courageous and brave, compassionate and fearless, and kind and tireless in talking and listening to my inner struggles. From these conversations it has allowed me to discover things I would not have otherwise.

At one point I said, needing to paint the walls of my house white is like being raped and needing to take a shower for hours hoping to wash it away. You want to shower for hours to wash away the filth, the shame, the memory of what he did to you.

And then I realized, once the shower is over you have to face that no amount of water will ever erase the pain or shame. It will never take away what happened.

l then was able to face the fact that no amount of white paint will wipe away what happened to me. Even if we had painted every room in our home white, I would have been on my face screaming and crying that the pain is still here. Because we never finished painting the rooms, I have been holding onto this false hope that it would do just that.

Now I am left realizing that I need to face the fact that the rape and sexual abuse happened and nothing can take away the fact that it happened. It is amazing what our mind and emotions will do in the face of trauma. I have been clinging to a false hope that has been keeping me from dealing with the reality of the pain that lives inside of me.

Somehow, I have been unconsciously hoping against hope that the white paint would bring me relief that I now realize it cannot. Now I am left to hope that I can find the courage inside of me to accept what happened. That it did indeed happen, that it never should have happened. But most of all that it will be real enough to those who love me, to face it with me. The truth is, they probably have been ready all along, but I have not.

All of this revelation came from this deep need to be surrounded by white walls.

Damn those who stole what cannot be replaced. Who took what does not belong to them. Damn them for the pain and anguish they cause each one of us. That causes us to barter with life, with water, and paint and whatever it might be in order to avoid a pain that is too hard to face. For causing so much turmoil for us, and those who love us enough to stay and hold us through the endless unknown and irrational fears.

Psychopaths divide and conquer. They turn everyone against you. That is why so many of us are without family or friends. I feel as though an atomic bomb has gone off in my life, and I need to find a way to survive and start all over again.

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34 thoughts on “No Amount Of White!

  1. Blue, in what you are realizing here, lies a huge strength, momentum and freedom. You are walking your own path with powerful, impressing steps. You are now conquering your queendom, a territory that always belonged to you. And your queendom is longing to be touched and explored by you.

    Here is a link on the psychology of colors that I found interesting and that you and your reades might enjoy: http://www.empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/personality-color.html

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Jens! Thank you for your comment, your support, and for the link! It is amazing how strength and weakness, and joy and sorrow can be together at the same time inside of us. I guess you are right, each revelation, no matter how painful, is conquering some piece of the puzzle.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I want to come to your house and paint all your walls white for you and give you a new start. I completely relate to the shower and the white walls. It’s made me really think about things. I like and wanted white walls too. It just seemed clean. We do lose family and friends. It is like a bomb that just destroys everything around it. I wish those around it fought to stay. Tried to fix things. Tried to help us heal.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Bethany, you made me smile! Your sweet comment warmed my heart. Thank you for your understanding and sharing how you relate. Losing family and friends seems to be a common theme for those riddled with abuse. It is something hard to talk about. Having others speak about it helps to take the stigma away from such a devastating loss. Thank you for your thoughtfulness!

      Liked by 1 person

        1. When I was young I thought of wearing a cream gown on my wedding because deep within I felt so dirty I do not deserve a white gown.The thoughts we keep about ourselves used to be so belittling that when we grow up we find them so powerful and destructive. I thank God i find people in this blog like you who I can relate with always in some ways or another. Keep writing your thoughts, you have no idea how they are helping people like me out there!

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Thank you so much for sharing this experience! You are so right about the power our thoughts have and how they make us feel about ourselves. Your encouragement means more than I can say.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Which is the greater loss…the actual event or the losses that event eventually costs us…family and friends…a sense of safety….a sense of ever feeling “clean” again….
    I decorate in Shabby Chic….all of my furniture is white…everything….but I painted the walls of each room a different color. One of my bedrooms is lavender. With the white furniture, pure white quilt and sheers, all of the accents are lavender and yellow.
    Paint your walls white when and if you feel like it. Nobody can possibly understand how a house doesn’t feel like a home unless they have been through something so traumatic that it has altered their lives in such a way as to feel lost…no matter where they are and who surrounds them.
    I hope healing will come to you….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Which is the greater loss? This is a difficult question to answer as one lead to the other and the losses seem to be unending.

      Wow Laurel, everything you shared here screams that you not only get what I am feeling, but that your life screams with the same need!

      I too once painted a bedroom lavender and then decorated it in different shades of purple and with white. It was beautiful! The power of color is amazing. It is probably one of the reasons why we all enjoy nature so much!

      While I haven’t painted my bathroom yet, it has a beautiful shower curtain with large purple flowers with a white background. It breathes life into the room for me.

      Yes, when everything in your life seems lost and you have no control over any aspect of it, it is amazing how things like the color of a room can make you have a sense of control and calm. It is a powerful feeling!

      Thank you for everything you shared here. It means a lot that you understand so deeply!

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      1. I wish it still gave me a sense of control. When I hit the “why bother” wall, everything just kind of went away. I still haven’t been able to get it back.
        I have never been one to self-promote and God knows that self-esteem is only a word that I can spell and whose definition I understand but the one thing I am proud of is being an oscar-winning worthy actress.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, the sense of control is a false one. Which is what hit me in the face in my realization. I still need and want the white, but it will not take away the pain. And as for being an Oscar-winning worthy actress, it hurts like hell that life and others require this of us. I think it is called protecting ourselves, or more accurately put, trying to survive!

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