Trying Again!

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Here I go again
I tried this before
disaster was always waiting at the door

“Let me in, you can trust me.” they said.
“Feel free to say what ever it is
that holds you down
and has made you prisoner
and brought you to the ground”

“Your heart can bleed before me
you can open up your fears
your memories are safe here.”

But all the brokenness
that was already there
didn’t mean one damn thing!

Each one looked into my heartache
and pain and, I don’t know,
maybe they thought
I could handle one more thing
or maybe they thought
I was just a thing

There was no respect
for my vulnerability or for my innocence

They just went right ahead
and tried to destroy
what little their was left of me instead

Now here I am
trying to do this again

Risking to trust one more time
after all these years
struggling without someone safe
to even talk this through
someone who really knows
and understands better than I do
of what all these things
they have put me through
have done to my soul
the fear and shame
making me the one to blame

Either there is help for me or I am insane

Here I go again
planning to risk once more
risking to try and undo
what I have not been able
to fully get through

All these years of anxiety and stress
with no consequences for all the rest

They eat with their families
they sleep soundly in their beds
I bear the scars
while they are free
from being behind bars

God only knows
the fear and trembling inside
just thinking about all that went wrong
when I tried this before

But here I go again
trying to escape the lion’s den

It is a lot not to expect a reaction
from all the dread
If there is any mercy to be found
I pray I will find it this round

For at this point, what else can I do?

What else can be expected of me?

I have struggled and struggled
long enough just to get by
after all that has gone wrong
I at least deserve a try
with someone who is knowledgeable
and trained and safe
to help me process all of this shame
and all the effects
that are left here still

God help me!

For whoever knew
that the most dangerous thing
I could ever do
was to ask for help
with everything I have been through

God help me!

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18 thoughts on “Trying Again!

    1. You captured it all! I think writing is more honest than speaking words. It is more in touch with the deep emotions sometimes we cannot access. And yes, amidst all the emotions is hope for relief. Thank you for your kindness!

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Anita, your encouragement to keep writing means more than I can say! I do struggle from time to time with continuing on. It has something to do with self expression and the anxiety that causes. It helps a great deal to know it means something to someone! Thank you so very much!

          Liked by 1 person

        2. I can totally relate to feeling self-doubt, I experience that as well, and sometimes it can be so rough. I love your writing and how you’re able to express the emotional core of an experience. I look forward to reading more! 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        3. You are being so wonderful to me! Maybe one of the reasons we blog is because sometimes we get more encouragement and support from our “followers” than those who know us and love us. With every piece I write I find myself crying with gratitude for having such a way to “get it out.” Having this release feels as though it is saving my life. It is destructive when held inside. And being able to release it in this way helps me grieve rather than locking it up inside. The struggle is with feeling safe. So thank you once again for being sensitive and kind! And for sharing your thoughts and experience!

          Liked by 1 person

        4. Yes!! I totally get what you mean, and it’s really the same for me. I write to process and learn and grow and release. I think the hard things are always hard, but there is something about being able to write down our experiences and let them out, as you say, in a safe way. I also agree 100% with how supportive blog friends can be compared to the people we may have in our lives offline. I’m always so grateful for the kind and interesting people I meet through blogging. I could give up any other social media in a second, but I would feel really sad without my blog and awesome blog friends like you!!! Hope you have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

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