I have been struggling a lot with self doubt over the past few weeks. I started therapy again recently, and these two words, self doubt, are the best way to describe the underlying feelings that seem to stick to me. For anyone in therapy, these feelings are probably natural. It has made it impossible to post over the past week. So I decided to write about it as a means to step over or through these feelings.
I think most of the self doubt stems from all that went wrong when I have tried this before. And so I struggle with fear of trusting myself to know if I am really safe. The feelings of self doubt feel as though the floor has dropped from under my feet. Nothing feels sure.
I doubt myself, and at times begin to doubt those who are in my life. Being abused, especially by someone you know or love, creates a deep underlying insecurity in relationships with those you know and love later in life. Sometimes it is easy to relate these feelings to the past and sometimes it is not easy. Which builds a framework of endless reasons to be hard on yourself.
It has made me doubt my writing as well, or more accurately, shined a spot light on the insecurity that always exists. I think this area of self doubt in writing stems from the fact that there is a little girl inside of me that didn’t get to live or have a voice. And as an adult, it is a vulnerable feeling to have her voice emerge in my writing. It is almost like not knowing who is speaking at any given moment. I believe this is probably a challenge for anyone who has been abused. The anxiety this can create makes writing at all even more of a challenge.
Self doubt can be a crippling feeling. I have been trying to just sit with it and learn from whatever is causing this right now. Not giving up and still moving forward in the midst of self doubt is difficult.
I have had two appointments and my husband has gone with me. It has been an emotional step, but on some level it also feels miraculous. I thought it might have taken me a while to find someone and at the very least, I thought I would have had to try several before finding the right person. But my first try turned out to be a perfect match. We both like her very much. She is very professional and yet down to earth. She practices the EMDR therapy that I wrote about in some previous posts.
Right now I am learning / practicing meditation every day to help with anxiety and to have a resource to deal with the emotions that will arise in moving forward with therapy. It really is just a means of practicing deep breathing and relaxation. It is working very well.
For anyone who may be interested, my therapist recommended the following app for practicing meditation and this is what I am using:
She is confident she can help me. And she has a plan and a step-by-step protocol to follow for working through each trauma. Actually, she is the first professional to ever tell me that they can help me or to instill the confidence that things can be much different in my life.
Through this time, I am believing and hoping that self doubt will lead to self discovery.