Self Doubt

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I have been struggling a lot with self doubt over the past few weeks. I started therapy again recently, and these two words, self doubt, are the best way to describe the underlying feelings that seem to stick to me. For anyone in therapy, these feelings are probably natural. It has made it impossible to post over the past week. So I decided to write about it as a means to step over or through these feelings.

I think most of the self doubt stems from all that went wrong when I have tried this before. And so I struggle with fear of trusting myself to know if I am really safe. The feelings of self doubt feel as though the floor has dropped from under my feet. Nothing feels sure.

I doubt myself, and at times begin to doubt those who are in my life. Being abused, especially by someone you know or love, creates a deep underlying insecurity in relationships with those you know and love later in life. Sometimes it is easy to relate these feelings to the past and sometimes it is not easy. Which builds a framework of endless reasons to be hard on yourself.

It has made me doubt my writing as well, or more accurately, shined a spot light on the insecurity that always exists. I think this area of self doubt in writing stems from the fact that there is a little girl inside of me that didn’t get to live or have a voice. And as an adult, it is a vulnerable feeling to have her voice emerge in my writing. It is almost like not knowing who is speaking at any given moment. I believe this is probably a challenge for anyone who has been abused. The anxiety this can create makes writing at all even more of a challenge.

Self doubt can be a crippling feeling. I have been trying to just sit with it and learn from whatever is causing this right now. Not giving up and still moving forward in the midst of self doubt is difficult.

I have had two appointments and my husband has gone with me. It has been an emotional step, but on some level it also feels miraculous. I thought it might have taken me a while to find someone and at the very least, I thought I would have had to try several before finding the right person. But my first try turned out to be a perfect match. We both like her very much. She is very professional and yet down to earth. She practices the EMDR therapy that I wrote about in some previous posts.

Right now I am learning / practicing meditation every day to help with anxiety and to have a resource to deal with the emotions that will arise in moving forward with therapy. It really is just a means of practicing deep breathing and relaxation. It is working very well.

For anyone who may be interested, my therapist recommended the following app for practicing meditation and this is what I am using:

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.meditationoasis.atease

She is confident she can help me. And she has a plan and a step-by-step protocol to follow for working through each trauma. Actually, she is the first professional to ever tell me that they can help me or to instill the confidence that things can be much different in my life.

Through this time, I am believing and hoping that self doubt will lead to self discovery.

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25 thoughts on “Self Doubt

  1. That’s wonderful that you have found a perfect match. If she tells you that she can help you and you believe it, isn’t that a huge step? My therapist told me that he could help me and I KNEW he was full of shit.
    Your sadness just drips off of the page. I so hope she is able to help.
    Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it is a very huge step! For me it feels miraculous. Unlike any therapist I have seen before, she actually has a plan rather than just “talk therapy.” My husband is very much keeping a vigil watch with me. But she has demonstrated on many levels that there is hope, while letting us know it will be a long road. But she does have a process to work through. This does instill confidence in us; with our eyes still remaining wide open for sure. Thank you Laurel! I hope you can at least find the courage to keep searching for someone that can at least instill some hope in you. Sometimes we have to let others believe for us until we can believe in ourselves. I certainly was not expecting to find someone this easily. I did make a promise to myself that I would at least keep trying if she hadn’t worked out.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you Bethany for letting me know you relate! I don’t know if you have ever tried meditation before, but it may help you and at least be a tool for coping with all the stress in your life. I just started two days ago and I can feel the benefit. It is important to do everyday. You can choose the length of time. Each session is pretty short (9 to 13 minutes).

          Liked by 1 person

        2. I have meditated ever since I can remember. I learned while I was learning to do Reiki. I have never stopped. Sitting outside on the ground is my favorite spot but really anywhere I can just breathe deeply and clear my mind will work!

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      1. I live in such a little podunk town, there are virtually no options….or I find that most of them are geared more toward substance abuse. That’s not what I need. I’m not going to look for another one…the last one was enough. LOL
        I think my besties in blogland are the best therapists for me right now. It’s remarkable how all of you make me feel, with your support and encouragement. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am glad you found someone you can talk to and your husband is going with you – this is very important. I am sorry you are dealing with the doubt, I can understand. I continue to deal with it at times and it brings me all kinds of emotions and responses. As you indicated moving forward and not giving up is difficult – but I know you can do it! I know you can! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Terry! Experiencing self doubt and yet still moving forward is an interesting experience. A new one. Having support and tools to deal with it helps tremendously! And underneath it all, I do believe!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello, friend! I’m so happy that you found a therapist that feels like a good fit. It’s so important and can be a challenge to find. I found meditation so helpful, and still do, particularly self-compassion meditations. Have you tried those that are available on selfcompassion.org, Dr. Neff’s site? If not, you might find something useful there. When I struggle with difficult emotions, I find the selfcompassion/loving kindness exercise really good. I just thought I would mention it! Thanks for sharing the meditations you’re using too, I am always on the lookout for more. Wishing you lots of gentleness! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is so sweet Anita! Meditation is new for me. I am surprised at how helpful it is. I have never seen Dr. Neff’s site. I will definitely check it out. Thank you for sharing this!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My pleasure! For me, I find meditation and practising mindfulness have been a big help. They kind of reset me when I find myself stuck in a loop. If you check it out, let me know what you think! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Anita, I just used the word “reset” yesterday to describe what meditation is doing for me. I am getting a glimpse of a part of myself that I lost. Anxiety changes you. It makes you hyper vigilant. I am beginning to experience moments of calm. I will definitely let you know!

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Yes, I can definitely relate to how trauma can cause hyper vigilance. For me it’s been about learning to trust and feel safe again. I am so happy that you’re finding moments of calm, I treasure those too. I look forward to hearing how they work for you! 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        3. We usually only think of safety from an external perspective. It is awful to never really feel safe inside, even when there are no rational external threats. And this is where meditation can help I believe. I will definitely share this with you! Thanks again Anita!

          Liked by 1 person

        4. I couldn’t agree more! It’s true what they say, it all starts from within. I’ve only truly absorbed that teaching within the last couple of years. Wow, so cool. 🙂 Wishing you a lovely day!

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Good luck in your journey! Although we may not have the same history, I believe it is common in everyone to have some level of self doubt. I’m not a religious person by nature but have found that Joel Osteen’s messages give me hope. I don’t feel alone anymore. Instead, I feel like I belong to someone and was created as a masterpiece. You are too! You are perfect and wonderful and I wish you well!

    Liked by 1 person

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