​Who Knew

Last night I read a post, “It’s All An Act,” on the blog site Behind The White Coat Beats A Real Human Heart. I love her blog and she is an amazing writer, doctor, and human being. Please go check out her site.

I went to bed late and then couldn’t sleep. My mind kept thinking about this post. How bad-ass she is as a woman and as a doctor. I thought about how all of my life I have been made to feel weak and insignificant. How do women get to be this determined and strong, I wondered!

And then my mind began to make analogies from her blog post and relate them to my own life:

She needed to try to look smart, I spent my life trying to be invisible. We were both pretty clever.

She worked to try to ask the right questions, I never attempted to ask or answer any questions. We both had a strategy. And we both were smart, we just never let them know how smart we were.

She had to know when to keep her mouth shut, I spent my whole life keeping my mouth shut. We both did a great job.

She had to be on top of her game, I spent my life being hyper vigilant to try and stay safe… being on top of my own game too.

She knew when to ask the right questions, I eventually asked myself the right questions so that I could finally speak my truth.

She had to stand perfectly still while holding retractors for hours under dire circumstances while her heart was pounding, I held perfectly still for hours being afraid to move or open my mouth with my heart pounding on countless occasions. We both are amazing under pressure!

She didn’t intimate by body language that she was in pain or tired, I had to be perfect, a good little girl so no one would suspect what he did to me. We are both great actors when our life depends upon it!

“…you, a girl, sat in the dark parking lot and changed your own flat tire.” I made it through life on my own. While one man rejected me as a child and cast me aside when he was through, as an adult woman, I eventually saved myself from the other three.

I have helped remodel homes: tear down walls, build walls, hang dry wall, finish dry wall, etc. I have built cables and emissions testing equipment from scratch, documenting every step of the process.

I have worked side by side with the CEO, VP’s , Nurse Managers, and Nurses in a hospital. I worked in a hospital environment around doctors who did think they were gods.

I have been asked to start a business with a Board of Directors member at this hospital I worked in. But I wasn’t as aware of my talents and abilities as those around me at the time. I ran from success in my life. I didn’t know my full potential.

My husband can’t lift anything over ten pounds until he recovers from his next surgery which will probably be scheduled in four or five weeks. Yesterday, I pushed the riding mower out of the garage, put gas in the tank, mowed the lawn (which I have done countless times) like a race car driver I must add. Only this time the grass was very dry so I didn’t do any mud sliding.

When I was done with that, I used the gas powered trimmer for the first time. My husband gave me a quick run down on how to use it and off I went. It was a wild experience and I am sure he held his breath more than a few times because it was a lot for me to manage, but I did it!

This one is for you Victo Dolore, thank you for this post! I am sorry I didn’t leave you with any blog post ideas, but you sure gave me one!

You helped me to hold my head a little higher, shoulders back, and feel a lot stronger! You can’t survive abuse and loss and be called weak and insignificant. You helped me to see, for a woman, I am not so bad either. And fortunately for both of us, it isn’t just an act… most of the time! Again, thank you!

Who knew I was a bad-ass woman too!

And by the way all of you women out there who have been beaten down and made it through, you survived. We survived! We need to own our strength!

Who knew we all are bad-ass women too!

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56 thoughts on “​Who Knew

  1. What an amazing post. I think that we’re all faking it to a huge extent in life until we realize some way some how that we are as smart/creative/clever as we’ve led everyone to believe. The last one to believe is always ourselves.

    Beautiful writing. And I can see that you are getting from the name inside of your Gravitar (A Broken Blue Sky) to the name alongside of it — Blue Sky. That’s progress!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this! I believe you are right, we usually are the last ones to believe in ourselves! And I loved your analogy regarding my blog name. Today the sky certainly is much brighter! Yes, this is progress! Again, thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Bethany, I just found your comment in my Spam folder????? I am not sure why this happens at times. It is frustrating!!!! At any rate, I didn’t want you yo think I was ignoring you!

      Thank you Bethany! She really is great and an inspiration!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you and I are sisters. We share so many similarities….even pushing the lawn mower out. I have to do that every time I mow my lawn….not only that, I have to jump the battery off with my car. We do what we have to do….I guess it’s part of our survival….sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I found this through Behind the White Coat’s re-blog. I rooted for you the whole way through. You were finally able to see yourself as you are. As a single mom from the moment of my child’s birth, having successfully raised him to adulthood through some damned tough times, I know what strength I can find when I dig down deep. I know what you found, and I was cheering.

    Until I got to this: “You helped me to see, for a woman, I am not so bad either.”

    What the hell? “for a woman”?!! Do you still see yourself as lesser than a man? Please, please, edit that out. Or change it to “for a human being”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are awesome…! Cheering me on, what can I say? This was very touching!

      I do get what you are saying. This is a journey and a process for me. I did mean it tongue in cheek… kind of like she did when she thought they would all think she was pretty amazing to be a woman and change her own flat tire! It really was a joke at that point.

      I do understand how this could make you feel for all that you/we have been through. I have my moments like this too. It just happened to me recently with a very well known female speaker… until I stepped back and someone helped me to realize that I miss understood what she was really saying. I hope you can at least give me a pass on this one too. No, I don’t see myself lesser than a man, but I certainly could teach men a few lessons! 😉

      You have inspired me here and encouraged me! Thank you so very much! Successfully raising a child alone… you are AMAZING!!! And I mean this from the bottom of my heart!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry I didn’t imagine air quotes — I must have been the only one. We really need a sarcasm font.

    Thank you for your kind words. I’m pleased and happy that mine may have encouraged you, but your journey is the one to focus on here. I only mentioned my own situation to show you I understand. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Joanne! Her blog post caused me to ponder my own life, and it certainly helped me to see myself differently! Women inspiring women… just what we need! She is great! Again, thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. That is one of the most interesting and compassionate things I have heard! This reaches deep! It is as though you just walked by and touched the switch to make sure it is still on! Thank you for this!!!

      Like

    1. What you did is more than fine… I am honored! I must say, this has all taken me by surprise! I was in no way expecting the responses I have received! Not from Victo… she is a gift that keeps on giving, or you, or any of the wonderful people who have stopped by to read and comment! So again, thank you! I truly am touched beyond words!

      Like

  5. I can well imagine. I wasn’t playing on words saying Sis and I have been there and done all that – except neither of us had a husband that was in for the long haul. We live and learn and as for my Sis and me, we do better on our own. I have some nerve but I gotta say, I’m feeling proud of you! Can hardly wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing this. It is great that you and your sister do have each other. I can just imagine how powerful you must be separate… and together! Yes, we do live and learn! And we need all the love and support we can get! Thank you for feeling proud of me… they are precious words to hear!

      Like

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