Last night I read a post, “It’s All An Act,” on the blog site Behind The White Coat Beats A Real Human Heart. I love her blog and she is an amazing writer, doctor, and human being. Please go check out her site.
I went to bed late and then couldn’t sleep. My mind kept thinking about this post. How bad-ass she is as a woman and as a doctor. I thought about how all of my life I have been made to feel weak and insignificant. How do women get to be this determined and strong, I wondered!
And then my mind began to make analogies from her blog post and relate them to my own life:
She needed to try to look smart, I spent my life trying to be invisible. We were both pretty clever.
She worked to try to ask the right questions, I never attempted to ask or answer any questions. We both had a strategy. And we both were smart, we just never let them know how smart we were.
She had to know when to keep her mouth shut, I spent my whole life keeping my mouth shut. We both did a great job.
She had to be on top of her game, I spent my life being hyper vigilant to try and stay safe… being on top of my own game too.
She knew when to ask the right questions, I eventually asked myself the right questions so that I could finally speak my truth.
She had to stand perfectly still while holding retractors for hours under dire circumstances while her heart was pounding, I held perfectly still for hours being afraid to move or open my mouth with my heart pounding on countless occasions. We both are amazing under pressure!
She didn’t intimate by body language that she was in pain or tired, I had to be perfect, a good little girl so no one would suspect what he did to me. We are both great actors when our life depends upon it!
“…you, a girl, sat in the dark parking lot and changed your own flat tire.” I made it through life on my own. While one man rejected me as a child and cast me aside when he was through, as an adult woman, I eventually saved myself from the other three.
I have helped remodel homes: tear down walls, build walls, hang dry wall, finish dry wall, etc. I have built cables and emissions testing equipment from scratch, documenting every step of the process.
I have worked side by side with the CEO, VP’s , Nurse Managers, and Nurses in a hospital. I worked in a hospital environment around doctors who did think they were gods.
I have been asked to start a business with a Board of Directors member at this hospital I worked in. But I wasn’t as aware of my talents and abilities as those around me at the time. I ran from success in my life. I didn’t know my full potential.
My husband can’t lift anything over ten pounds until he recovers from his next surgery which will probably be scheduled in four or five weeks. Yesterday, I pushed the riding mower out of the garage, put gas in the tank, mowed the lawn (which I have done countless times) like a race car driver I must add. Only this time the grass was very dry so I didn’t do any mud sliding.
When I was done with that, I used the gas powered trimmer for the first time. My husband gave me a quick run down on how to use it and off I went. It was a wild experience and I am sure he held his breath more than a few times because it was a lot for me to manage, but I did it!
This one is for you Victo Dolore, thank you for this post! I am sorry I didn’t leave you with any blog post ideas, but you sure gave me one!
You helped me to hold my head a little higher, shoulders back, and feel a lot stronger! You can’t survive abuse and loss and be called weak and insignificant. You helped me to see, for a woman, I am not so bad either. And fortunately for both of us, it isn’t just an act… most of the time! Again, thank you!
Who knew I was a bad-ass woman too!
And by the way all of you women out there who have been beaten down and made it through, you survived. We survived! We need to own our strength!
Who knew we all are bad-ass women too!