What does healing look like?
For some reason, because what happened to me had been ignored, unrecognized, unreal to everyone, I thought that having someone know by undeniably seeing the pain and anguish that lives deep in me would be a relief… the beginning of healing all of this pain and struggle.
Today I got close to it, right up to the edge. There was no magnetic pull inviting me into its presence. Instead I felt the polar opposite. I felt a pushing away like an invisible force that was powerful and I could feel it pushing at me. There was no invitation to enter the presence of my own grief. My physical body recoiled, every fiber of my body was tense and tight. Like I was in a type of vice.
I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard to enter into the core of what has been holding me prisoner all these years. I thought it was there longing to be seen and felt and discovered. But no, it was forcefully pushing me away. Like I was about to enter some crime seen that would be too overwhelming to see. The kind that only someone without a heart or soul could bear to face.
Is this a joke?
Can only those who were sick enough to commit such acts also be the only ones who have the stomach to face the results they leave behind?
I knew no one else was aware of what happened to me. Today I discovered that neither am I, not really. I know it happened, I see images of being there, of being held against my will… without locks, or chains, or the use of physical force. And yet, the power and extent of control was as strong as anyone held in captivity. To the point in which my conscious memory at some point had to flee. I knew I was harmed sexually and physically and emotionally and spiritually, but I have never comprehended the harm done psychologically. Because I have not faced my own pain, what really happened to me, nothing prepared me for healing to feel like terror!
As children, we were not just sexually abused and physically harmed, we were terrorized. I felt that consciously today for the first time. Maybe this is what no one really gets! Maybe this part is missed in how others view what was done to us.
We live in a world that from just observation alone, you would think the most important thing in life is sex. We are told everyday that this is what we want, what we should want, and how to make everyone else want it from us. And we buy it! So how can sexual abuse be such a terrible thing? For most people it is just a physical act that means nothing other than one’s own pleasure and that is all that matters.
Someone didn’t just have sex with us as children and do sexual things to us, they terrorized us! The world is shocked and outraged when they see or hear of terror acts, especially against children. It is horrifying! What the world needs to know is that they didn’t just have sex with us… they TERRORIZED us!!!
Do you now understand, do you get it?
If you look at our reactions, our struggles, doesn’t it now make more sense? What they did was far more than a child or any human being can handle, that is why we can’t handle what happened to us.
This should make the whole world ashamed of their reaction to those who have been sexually abused and raped. We all focus on what was done physically and sexually. And while everyone gasps that these things were done to a child, they still don’t get it. On some level I think people unconsciously see it as something that brings them pleasure, is what was done to us as children. This is not the case.
All the adults who are walking around trying to heal from these acts of violence against them are trying to process things they had to emotionally flee… for a reason! We only think of violence as something physical and yet sexual acts forced against someone’s will is a psychologically terrorizing act. I saw it today, I walked up close and felt the terror all over again! I walked up to the edge of what happened to me and it was not just physical and sexual. That part would have been hard enough to handle.
Maybe because everyone has become numb by the term childhood sexual abuse, we should re-frame it: our children are being sexually terrorized. These are acts of terror.
We are living with the physical and emotional effects of this terror. I could feel it in my body. I got up close to it. You wonder why we have not healed yet? It is terrorizing to face what happened to us. Healing is not easy, it is not simple. It is complicated and frightening.
We don’t have compassion for children who have been sexually abused as a society, not really. Maybe we could find some if we could face the fact that we were terrorized! When you see it through this lens, everything makes sense about how we are struggling with what has been done to us. And it should make more sense to you.
We have been sexually and psychologically terrorized! And no one ever tells someone who has been terrorized to just get over it! No one ever has a hard time showing compassion for someone who has been terrorized!