The Chase

There is this recurring nightmare that has haunted me for years.

When I was a child, I would often dream that I could fly. I don’t think it was ever outside. I was always inside our home.

I remember flying down our flight of stairs. I would fly all around our home, hovering in the air close to the ceiling. I remember it feeling exhilarating and strange all at the same time. There were times when I would wake up and believe that I did indeed fly.

I also had another recurring dream when I was a child. I dreamed many, many times of falling and falling. In my dreams I would be endlessly falling into a bottomless dark hole.

This feeling was frightening and as though I was completely out of control. Nothing ever felt good about this recurring dream. I always woke up while I was still falling, never hitting bottom.

But the recurring nightmare that I still have to this day is of being chased. Someone is always after me. I am not sure when this one started. I am usually running to get away, often hiding and then running some more.

I do remember one time when I was having this nightmare where someone caught me and pulled me into a car and at some point I jumped out of the car and started running again. Sometimes in these nightmares I will open my mouth to scream, but no sound comes out.

I just had this nightmare again the other night. I was trying to get away, running and running. I managed to get outside onto an outdoor iron staircase. I pushed the door closed, my heart was beating fast. I stood their holding the door closed with all of my might while they were forcefully trying to push it open to get me.

I remember being surprised that I was holding it closed as long as I did. But I knew it was only a matter of time before they would be able to break through and get me. When I started to lose my strength and the door started to open, I woke up.

At this moment I could hear our garage door closing. My husband was just leaving for work. I was shaking and terrified. All of it seemed so real.

For some reason, this is the one that still keeps recurring. The people and circumstances change. But the chase, with someone wanting to catch me and hurt me never changes.

I don’t usually remember my dreams, but when I do, it is usually this nightmare that I remember the most. It is always an endless exhausting chase. Of trying to figure out how I can get away, the hiding, and constant running to try and keep myself safe. The nightmare of running and being terrified with someone always wanting to take my life.

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13 thoughts on “The Chase

  1. Ive had similar dreams.same ones my whole life. Ive often wondered if it was my need to escape as a child. Or just fear manifested in the nightmare. Either way it’s awful after waking up to it isnt it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it is! I believe they are about wanting to escape and our lives being out of control. When I mentioned to Lucy about the recurring nightmare that I still have of someone wanting to kill me, she said I was having this nightmare because I have lived it. I don’t talk or write much about my ex-husband. I think it is all buried deep. But apparently my body and subconscious doesn’t forget! Your body doesn’t forget either Bethany and that is why you still are having them as well. I would like to think they will stop some day for us.

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        1. Thank you Paul for sharing the link to your guest post. Please do so in the future as well since I have no way of finding your posts otherwise, or at least when or where you post something new. I will definitely read this.

          Liked by 1 person

      1. Nope I have not forgotten. It is my GREAT hope that therapy will put a rest to those nightmares. So suppressed that it can only come out while I’m sleeping. Therapy us going to be interesting!!!!

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  2. Powerful writing by a powerful bad-assed woman.I spent many years of my life driving tractor trailer long haul from coast to coast. Some trips I would do a round trip of over 11,000 miles and deliver and pick up only once (excluding the starting and finishing). I used most of the driving time (the aforementioned trip would provide about 200 hours thinking time) to think. Our relationship with our dreams was one of the topics i considered. I’ll give you a short synopsis of what I discovered about my own dreams – this may or may not apply to you but take what works.

    First we can affect our dreams with our conscious waking thoughts. So if I have a recurring dream and wish it to end differently, i think hard about the ending I want before i go to sleep and I can affect the outcome.

    Second, dreams vary in their meaning and can go from very literal to metaphors for the emotions we feel during waking hours. In that case we are using the dream to follow the emotions and then seek a solution to a problem. i worked as a transportation manager for a large retailer. The company was growing fast both by increase in same store sales and by adding stores. So we made temporary changes in delivery runs as problems happened and once a year we went through and redid the whole schedule with over 100 stores with anywhere from 2 to 6 deliveries per store per week. We did this with 80 drivers and 60 tractor=trailers working 24/7. We had to account for drivers’ hours of service, type of trailer, stores’ needs and schedule (some could only do night deliveries) and many other criteria. I had an amazing assistant who would redo the schedules – it took about a week of planning. I once asked him how he made this work and he told me that as he came across complex problems he would set every detail in his mind just before going to sleep and when he awoke he would have the answer. I’ve tried this and it often works.

    Third, we are designed to control our lives by our choices. Nature abhors a vacuum and so if we do not make our own choices someone will “chase us and steal our lives”. That dream would seem to me to simply be an emotional picture telling us that we are not making our own choices (your past life experiences would certainly explain that but it is changeable). And that we CAN make our own choices and direct our own lives.

    Fouth, I love the flying part. this indicates a high intelligence that sees the world from above – including all the intersections and interactions. Many see the world in terms of how they pass through it on ground level. You should know that unless you allow it, no one can take that ability from you – no one can stop you from flying. As you develop this skill you will be able to see yourself in waking situations as if from above. Have you ever wondered how the giants of history became that way often under terrible physical conditions? They all had that in common – they could see the big picture from above and in doing so could see connections and repetitions and commonalities that eluded others. And many thought in images, as you are doing. For instance, Einstein came up with the theory of Relativity by starting out imagining the earth, as a mass siting on the space/time continuum that he saw as a sheet of flexible rubber. The Earth bent that sheet – meaning that mass affects the space-time continuum. And sure enough his later calculations confirmed that was true.

    In conclusion, dreams can have very many meanings but often seek to point out or solve issues on our waking lives. We can fen control the outcome by our thoughts and actions while awake. You are one bad-ass woman BBS, and I know you can grab hold of this and make it work for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Paul, this was certainly food for thought. And you can be sure I will ponder your comment and thoughts for awhile. Many of these were quite amazing. I have heard of people controlling their dreams. I have never tried this. It is an interesting concept.

      For now, what I can share with you is a thought that came to my mind while reading your comment. You are correct that, for most of my life, I have not lived or controlled my own life. And I struggle with this now. Before I struggled because of the people in my life. Now I struggle because of the effects of my past. I am working on it. What came to my mind is that one time in my former marriage (to a psychopath) when I did do something for myself in going to college. My ex-husband kept me awake all night for nights on end being very upset that I was doing something that had nothing to do with him. I just started therapy recently with an amazingly gifted and experienced counselor that I do trust very much. And the thought occurred to me, “Did this nightmare return because I am doing something for myself now?” I don’t know, but it was a thought that crossed my mind as I read your comment. And I don’t know if I would have thought of this without your insight.

      If I think about it, maybe I have been afraid of how I would like this nightmare to end. Probably since I know that it is an attempt at violence… of trying to kill me. And I have experienced this in real life several times, so this makes it more difficult to process and determine an outcome. These experiences I have not processed. I don’t talk or write about them very much at all.

      I love what you said about the flying when it comes to seeing life from above. I must say that I have spent my life observing. And on so many levels I do feel as though I “see” things that others don’t. But I haven’t owned this. I have actually seen this as a negative for most of my life, as though something is wrong with me. And it has even frightened me at times. Maybe mostly because I have been afraid that if I live in and write and speak of these things I will be rejected. What little I have attempted to share of myself, however, has actually been amazing though and quite the opposite of my fears. And my husband has been telling me that it doesn’t even matter. These are my thoughts and feelings, this is my life.

      Thank you so much for your deep thoughts and for your thoughtfulness! It is deeply appreciated! I will definitely consider them!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t dream much anymore….or maybe I just refuse to remember them. I do remember, like you, trying to scream and nothing would come out. I couldn’t even talk in my dreams. I think that’s….maybe feeling frozen with fear in your consciousness.

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  4. I have learned to look into the meaning of my dreams.
    My dreams are few and far between.
    I am at a point in my life
    where the dreams seem to be gone,
    only to return but not truly remembered.
    Listen, and learn to those dreams, they
    are possibly bringing up the past.
    Write them down & discuss them with
    a trained guide.
    Please do not be afraid.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I think maybe I did discover last night why I had this nightmare again at this time. And I have talked to my counselor about this. Again, thank you!

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      1. I was never able in the beginning to make sense
        of dreams. Your counselor is a very good way to
        learn what your subconscious is telling you.
        Your counselor is your teacher here. And you
        are very fortunate to have such a well trained
        and compassionate woman.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes I am. It feels like a miracle to me. I was too afraid to risk seeing one again. And she is more than I could have hoped for. God knew that I needed her. And I am grateful! Thank you for your thoughtfulness and encouragement!

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