​Where Has Your Light Gone?

Lost in the crossfire
of your passive aggressiveness

With no thought that maybe
just maybe
I could already be struggling too

Does it make you feel strong
to dump your stuff out onto me
even though it is wrong?

Call it what you will
my husband calls it crazy
I see unresolved pain
but why throw it onto me?

I am not the dumping ground
for everyone’s stuff
they cannot bear to see

You took me back
to all of those before you
who did the same to me

They did what they did
because they didn’t deal
with their own stuff either
so they took it out on me

You brought me to
a familiar place
where others deeds
delivered pain…
their shame to me

I did not expect
the same from you

Maybe there is
no one to trust
no way to know
who the good ones are

You have made me lose
my trust
my confidence of others too

It doesn’t matter
what mask you wear
what experience or degree
they all had their degrees too
and greater than yours… but

It didn’t matter
it just makes all of you
more dangerous
and just so much harder to see

You all seem to share
the same expertise
in harming those already broken

Does that make you all
better than me?

I have lost my confidence
in myself
you managed to bring me down

Maybe this is what lifts you up
you tell me
is this really strength
bringing someone else to the ground?

You brought me down
not just because of what you did
but because of the others
who stand in line with you
who feel your superiority too

What have I done wrong
I ask myself
and the only thing I know
as far as you
and them are concerned…

I try to figure it out
I try and try and try

And all that I know
is that I am guilty!

I am guilty
as I stand in your midst
I am guilty
just because
I too try to exist!

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18 thoughts on “​Where Has Your Light Gone?

    1. Laurel, I am sorry it took me so long to reply. I just found your comment in my spam folder. This seems to be an ongoing problem with WP.

      You put into words beautifully what life feels like sometimes. This is the part of abuse that really angers me… the inability to react appropriately and immediately to the cruelty of others.

      I usually end up angry at myself for letting these things happen. Now through blogging we at least can voice the pain… And hope others either get it or understand.

      Our blogs are a safe place to practice when cruel or uncaring people stop by. It was terrifyimg for me to delete a comment when I first started blogging. It still isn’t easy.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I have a quote for you Blue:

    “Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.”
    By Brené Brown

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Boundaries are a huge issue for those who have been abused… somehow losing a sense of self makes this very difficult. Definitely something that needs to be learned. I think this confuses people who have good boundaries. It also makes it easier to be hurt by strangers. Crazy, I know. But the scale needs to tip far enough in having positive experiences with others to diminish this. That is why we all need to be careful in how we treat others. I love Brené Brown. Thank you for this quote!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Blue, boundaries are an issue. I see that in your struggle. But I also see that you are not defenseless and that you definitely are an amazingly strong woman. You have proven that in the past having made some incredible far reaching decisions to liberate yourself. I think you know where your claim is and what it’s boundaries are. With each “battle” that you fight you will experience that you are well capable of standing your ground and that most “intruders” are actually weak and will withdrawn as soon as you show up.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. This is true… now if I could always feel it. And while I have made tuff decisions they weren’t automatic and often takes time and hindsight. Hopefully with time and experience the time will become more immediate. I can lose my power in an instant, and these situations take me back to familiar places painfully so. But I can know when I have been hurt and at least withdraw myself. Having a voice is powerful. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on where you are on the spectrum, Brené Brown is talking to “normal” people. But her material is priceless for all of us.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I have problems with boundaries as well, I somehow have always let other project their stuff onto me. Now that you see it for what it is I hope that little by little you will learn how to set boundaries. Others also have this way of making us feel guilty too.. til now. I found that telling myself that “No one can make me feel …” was really helpful, In other words I told myself I could control my thoughts and therefore I could control my feelings. Not so easily done xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, sometimes all of this is easier than others. I guess writing is a way of gaining our voice back. Strength does not mean we do not feel pain deeply. And actually makes it harder for others to see or know our pain. Sometimes it is just easier to hide it… or write about it! Thank you!

      Like

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