​Feeling Nothing At All!

So as not to confuse anyone, on Thursday I wrote a blog post, Something We Don’t Talk Much About. After posting this I received a comment and later an email that was very confusing to both my husband and I. I am not writing any of this to name the person or to call them out. This is just to clarify yesterday’s and today’s posts.

These comments ended up being hurtful for several reasons. The first being, that of all the blog posts I have written, this one was very personal and something I have never talked about on my blog or with anyone before. It was about the loss of our baby (after already losing 2 full-term babies). Because these comments were confusing to us, my husband suggested to me that I just remove the comments, and so I did.

When I read this post to my husband he didn’t just have tears running down his face, he was crying. This is a VERY painful topic for both of us to re-visit. The only thing I will mention regarding the person whom these hurtful comments were received from is that they were from a person I would have least expected them from. I could have never seen this coming.

I have been treated badly in the past by very insensitive people surrounding the losses of each of my babies. This just took me back to those places.

Blogging has been a struggle for me and I have dealt with several very difficult situations from a few followers and I have moved on. I will from this one too, I am sure. But I did have an emotional response and wrote two poems, yesterday’s post and this one today.

I hope that anyone who read yesterday’s post or reads today’s can at least bear with me as I work through it, express my emotions, and regain my voice. This is the best way for me to move on.

* * *

Trying so hard to feel
absolutely nothing at all

There is so little comfort
to be found in man

Heartache for pain

Why is it that others
who call themselves strong
feel relief when dumping
their stuff onto us?

Does it make them mighty
or does it reveal their truth
that they struggle too?

Without restraint
they pour their stuff
onto you

My faith in man
is weakening
sometimes I wonder
why bother at all?

We all wonder where God is…

He used to be in you and me

I used to see Him in your eyes
and feel Him in your touch

I used to have Him visit me
whenever you stopped by

I used to feel His love
in those who cared at all

Where is God…?

Does it feel as though
God leaves us
whenever man is cruel?

Shouldn’t we be more careful
with others who try to speak their truth?

If it makes you uncomfortable
maybe you need to deal with yours too

Others are not the dumping ground
for what we cannot bear

This only makes you similar
to all the perpetrators around
who also were weak
with the pain they wear

Where is man…?
I don’t know
where he is anymore

I am trying so very hard
to feel absolutely
nothing at all

Because of you…

But is feeling nothing at all
feeling and revealing
something too?

I feel lost in this emptiness
you poured into me

It is so familiar
it makes it hard to see
the good inside of you
you snuffed it out
when you dumped
your stuff on me!

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28 thoughts on “​Feeling Nothing At All!

  1. I am so very sorry you experienced such a betrayal from an unexpected source. I felt so privileged to be able to read the story of your pain … It’s an experience I have not had, but pain is pain and somehow it is comforting and also a source of teaching to read about how others deal with the pain and loss that comes into their lives. I respected and admired you for your willingness to share it and be vulnerable.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “There are too many people today, who instead of feeling hurt, are acting out their hurt. Instead of acknowledging pain, they are inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they are choosing to live disappointed. Emotional stoicism is not “badassery”. …..People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.” by Brené Brown
    It seems you have received the comment of an immature reader who has not grown up beyond the level of inflicting pain on others. But congratulations to your mature response. You are rising strong and have been daring greatly to go out there into the arena and exposing your vulnerability. That was very strong and powerful. Referring to one of your previous blog posts …you are a real badass.😉
    Jens

    Liked by 3 people

    1. First, you made me laugh… which was much needed! It is amazing how much the quote fit into this situation. And thank you for the encouragement and for all of your kind words! It means more than I can express! Hugs!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing your story with us and I am so sad that you received anything less than encouraging comments about your pain. You have always been open and heartfelt with you pain and encouraging to others comments. Your vulnerability and honesty touches my heart each time I read one of your posts or poems. I do hope blogging can still be a safe place for you to be yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Your blog has spoken my heart and feelings for months as I walked a journey I was not expecting to take. Your honesty and willingness to share comforted me as it put words to my confusion and fear. It made me feel ok. Not crazy. You validated my story because I related so much. I was not alone because of you. I want you to know that. You’ve helped me understand myself and now I am beginning to express and release what I need to. Your writing was so real and balanced I only read your words for months because it was safe to feel with you without getting overly triggered and raw. Thank you. Please know the impact you have had has been immense and powerful in my world. I only wish I could sit with you in person and comfort you through this pain you are feeling as you have comforted me.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. What can I say? I am sure you can also relate to the hope of helping someone along the way. While writing has helped me so much, it wasn’t the sole purpose. It was in hopes of helping give voice to others as well. What you shared here means so much. I am truly touched. And it was quite timely! I am sorry for your pain and struggle. I hope that you too find courage in expressing your voice and story. Thank you for sharing this with me!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I just read your post from yesterday. I have been offline after getting an iron infusion at the mayo clinic that wiped me out. I wish I had read this yesterdday. I don’t allow negative comments. I delete them. But it is the caught off guard that must have been so upsetting. Here you bare your soul and someone dares to say anything negative about your feelings, your loss, your emotions!! That is so unacceptable and I feel rage towards anyone who would be hurtful towards you. I am sorry you had to feel those feelings

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Bethany, I hope everything went well for you and that you are regaining your strength!

      Deleting comments has been a real struggle for me. At the beginning I couldn’t. My husband has helped me with this. It still is hard, but I can do it now. It was a powerful example of the effects of abuse! A painful awareness. It made me aware of why it is so hard to be vulnerable… these things show up. Blogging is at least a safer way to learn to do these things and to practice.

      Thank you for capturing and understanding so clearly the feelings behind all of this. Writing is so helpful to release these feelings so that we can move on. Again, thank you for being so understanding and sensitive. I appreciate it so very much!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so welcome. I don’t think we will ever be prepared for hurtful people. We have been through so much hurt already that it is kind of inconceivable that anyone would knowingly hurt us again. But they do. And I agree at least with blogging you see who people are, you get a message and you then know. at least it wasn’t in person. I don’t do well at all with shocker comments in person. And it is vulnerable. We being truthful is vulnerable and powerful at the same time. I have to remember this. I am glad you talked about it. Because I need to remember in my vulnerability to be a little bit on guard of those hurtful ones that come out from around the corner and ruin your day!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. No I don’t think we will ever be prepared, mostly because it immediately takes us back to other deeper hurts. I like what you said, about ruining your DAY. Yes, people we don’t really know can only ruin a day or so. That is at least a good thing! It is those we love and care about, where we risk and have no back up plan for betrayal that are the hardest. Thank you Bethany!

          Liked by 1 person

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