Am I A Coward?

Is it weakness
to run from the pain inside?

Is it weakness
to be too afraid
to get that close ever again?

Am I a coward?

I knew it would be
painful

I knew it would be
a lot of hard work

I knew it could take
a very long time

I knew I would cry
and be afraid

Am I a coward?

I thought the pain
and fear
were waiting for me

I thought
they wanted to be found
and discovered eventually

I thought
she was the one now afraid
and needed me

Am I a coward?

I now know why
I couldn’t stay
and had to flee

Why she stayed behind
and protected me

I now understand
what tore us a part…

And separated my soul
from my heart

Am I a coward?

Am I a coward
because I am too afraid
to experience or see
all that they did?

Afraid of what lives
deep in the shadows
of my wounded soul

Am I a coward
because I am too afraid
to get close enough to feel
all the things
that happened to me?

Am I a coward
because I am too afraid
of the terror inside of me?

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14 thoughts on “Am I A Coward?

  1. Blue,
    I guess we all try very hard not to be vulnerable.

    What is a coward?

    Not to get close to re-live trauma again? Not to have wounds opened and painfully being washed and cleaned with salt water?

    No, you are not a coward. Forget that word. It has no meaning. You are on a path and you are actually showing an amazing performance. Your heart should be filled with pride about what you have achieved. And the path you are walking is irreversible.

    We have these expectations about our path and how it is going to be and where it is going to take us. But be sure about one thing, we will never know. But allowing ourselves to be vulnerable means being able to see all the beauty on our path. And that is the life we can allow ourselves to be part of, besides all the pain and the trauma and the ghosts of our past haunting us.

    Jens

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As I wipe the tears from my eyes… I thank you! I guess we all struggle with different emotions at different times in our lives. What you said, “…But be sure about one thing, we will never know…” I was NOT expecting this… these feelings or reactions. But they are here! They do serve a purpose in forcing me to know what courage and fight it took to get here where I am now. I am amazed at that! This is real life, raw and at its core. The rest has not been written yet. And I am keenly aware that I do not know what lies ahead. Thank you Jens!

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  2. As is so often with your posts I can see my reflection in your words. You are very brave to have opened the door knowing there would be pain and memories and woundedness. You are brave to recognize the pain and continue with counseling. Even if there are times that you need to take a step back in order to rest from all the work that is not cowardness. That is called kindness. The hardest thing that I have had to learn is how and when to be kind to myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did expect that it would be hard, just not this difficult. So in this sense, I was not prepared. Probably my fear goes way beyond the pain inside of me. And I am still processing this. Yes it is very smart to pace yourself wisely. Thank you for sharing your experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I often feel like a coward at times too. But contemplating on the facts that we all have our ups and downs, maybe it’s not cowardice but rather just being momentarily weak. One of my favorite quotes about courage is found in the comedy movie “Black Knight”, where the main character said at the latter part of the movie: “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the presence of fear yet the will to go on.”

    Thank you courageously sharing your experiences here ma’am.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I never saw this movie, but I have heard the quote before. And I have experienced times of being afraid and doing something anyway. I just realized that these were times when my fears were private… no one else knew how afraid I was and that felt safer. This has been interesting to think about.And you are right, it certainly is being vulnerable… or courageous, as you put it, to admit these fears in my writing. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. What sparked this for me is that I know other people are and have done this… I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard… and so it made me wonder. But it certainly was brave to admit it! Thank you Lyn! Your words are very touching!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. Tears rolling down. Not an u familiar feeling to me and I wrote about it a little this morning. My insides are no ONG again and I don’t want to know what she’s stirring inside if me…but then again I do. The struggle…

    Liked by 1 person

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