A little while ago, I told Lucy that I am afraid to continue with the EMDR therapy. She told me that this was understandable and asked me to continue to write and explore where my fears are coming from. This has been the source of my past few posts.
The fear of facing my past and what happened is very strong. I wasn’t expecting it to be this difficult or feel so much resistance inside. However, I think I have discovered an even bigger fear that is at the heart of my struggle.
Throughout the past few weeks, I have had a lot of conversations with my husband as he tries to understand why I am having such a hard time. While talking to him, I shared the following analogy that helped him to understand more deeply what is at the heart of my struggle. And at the same time helped me to understand myself better as well.
Here is the analogy I shared with him:
If there was a red circle on the floor and every time you stepped on it something traumatic happened to you, how would it effect you?
After the first time, you might step on it again. You might forget and even accidentally step on it. But if something traumatic kept happening several times in a row when you stepped on the red circle, there are no amount of words that could probably convince you to step on the red circle again. And why would you want to?
But if you needed to step on it again in order to leave your house or heal from a deep wound, life would be pretty difficult and complicated.
I wasn’t expecting it! I feel safe with Lucy as a person, as a therapist is where the difficulty lies. I like her very much. She has been a jewel of a find for me. My worries quickly subsided when I met her. I wanted everything to go well and I believed that it would. It is not Lucy, it is me and my past. I was very hopeful with her that the struggle would not be there. That I could start over and feel safe.
But seeing her, for me, has been like stepping on the red circle again where traumatic experiences have happened before. And I am afraid!
There is no escape, no matter how positive I am or how much I try, the fear is still there… because the wounded parts of me recognize the potential danger. I was here before and while it too appeared safe, it was not.
So the fear of Lucy and the process is like needing to step on the red circle again in order to leave my house and heal the deep wounds inside of me. Right now, this is making my life very difficult and complicated!
I don’t know what the solution is. I just hope there is one!
We can run from our pasts, but our pasts always go with us wherever we go. There is no escape because our memories, our muscles, our emotions, and our bodies always remember. And right now, I am keenly living and experiencing this reality!