6 thoughts on “What Does Failure Feel Like?

  1. Blue, this is a well written and very clear statement. I understand it and your conclusion is wisdom.

    There is no guarantee for safety in life. This is at least so if you define safety in a classical sense, if you view safety as something static and fixed. If you look at it from a certain perspective, the life of an individual is guaranteed to fail, always! Why? Because from the moment of our conception we know that it is going to end in death.

    Life itself is only granted a moment of stability for the amount of time it lasts. And even in that moment the individual is struggling hard to maintain its condition of staying alive. As long as we are alive, life is a constant balancing act.

    As humans we are “designed” in such a way, that other people have a major influence on our life maintaining system which creating stability in us. The way I view it, traumatic experiences, like abandonment, abuse of any kind etc, especially during childhood, are shaking the fundanents that our immanent stability-maintaining-systems are built upon.

    Do you remember playing the game of balancing a stick on your stretched out hand, trying to keep it standing vertical without holding it? It is not that difficult if you can move around freely and if you are standing on a smooth surface. Now imagine standing on a small boat rocked by the waves on a stormy sea and unexpected winds coming from all sides pushing at the stick and on you with varying intensity. The first image is how I view life without trauma and the second image is how I view life with traumatic experiences in its past.

    Life is a balancing act, not a holding act, no matter how hard it is made for us. Balacing means participating in life, making all the negative and positive experiences that life has available for us,.,. like sadness but also connection, belonging and above all love. Life means that we have to balance this stick on our own and that here is no way around that. But what we can hope for is finding people in our lives that hold the boat we are standing on and that keep it from rocking too heavily and that give us a certain amount of shelter from the wind. We can also hope for getting better at balacing by finding out who we really are and thus making full use of our own resources and capabilities.

    I hope for both in your life, people that share their love with you and a path that leads you fully embrace the wonderful person you are.

    Following your blog for a long time, I do not have the slightest doubt in the good path you are on and in the love of your companion on this journey, your husband.

    I am certain that “balancing” will become easier for you as life movies on.

    Jens

    Liked by 2 people

    1. In so many ways this blog post is a prophetic piece for me… it has allowed me to see that wanting certainty is at the heart of all my fears and panic. And when life triggers traumatic experiences I become enraged that I have never been able to feel safe. This piece has shaken me into the reality that it is gone. That time of my innocent childhood is gone. I cannot get it back. And without being able to go through the nornal process of childhood and adolescence… I must still grow up and face the fact that nothing is guaranteed. I grieve this deeply. I don’t like it… I hate it! But reality is better than illusions and wishful thinking. This does emphasize the importance of those who I allow into my life and those I keep out. It is my only chance to experience any semblance of love and safety and the security I crave. Thank you for all that you shared here Jens. Thank you for your encouragement and support!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, I am right there with you. I swear we travel the same path and feelings sometimes. It amazes me. I hear your anger loud and clear and it is SO justified. And it’s ok. I always told myself I never want to be an angry person because that is what I grew up with. However, that mindset only resulted in the stuffed feelings erupting at the wrong times in an explosive manner that NO ONE understood…or maybe just ignored. I don’t know. I experienced this feeling this week as well…twice. When someone leads you to feeling like a failure, it is rough. I get it. And I don’t like it at all. I already have enough things making me feel insecure and inadequate. I don’t need any more “failure” in my life…I’m sure you feel the same way. It’s too much and the feeling of “crazy” intensifies and only exasperates the issue. You were spot on about not having the skills normally gained from childhood to manage this rage. The lack of skills also causes all the problems that lead to the “failure” a well. It’s like one big twisted stupid tangled mess that cannot not be undone. It feels like at least…

    I’m angry with you…and for you. I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! You certainly reframed everything that I feel… and conveyed it quite well. Which, yes, clearly displays we walk the same path! And the huge tangled mess is something I feel and have expressed. Which is very overwhelming when I am asked the right question and forced to face it and feel it all at once. The deep sadness can bring your soul to its knees and crush your face to the ground! Yes, I do feel the same way. Thank you for sharing all of this and helping me to feel understood and not alone as well. I feel the same anger for you!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It is strange, I just realized this morning how much I often feel bad about my feelings even when someone hurts me… when they don’t even feel bad for doing so! It is as though I feel guilty for being alive and human. Not only is it okay to hurt when someone hurts you, it is a normal healthy response. Which, if embraced, can help us to know who to stay away from rather than continually feeling as though we just have to take it! Thank you for sharing this! Especially since I seem to be stuck in this “cleansing” place!

      Liked by 2 people

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