Against My Will

against-my-will

I am very frustrated!

After going through all that I did with Lucy, I didn’t want to confront her. I didn’t have any intention of reporting her. I just wanted to find a therapist who would be present and do right by me. That is all I wanted.

I have trusted “the system” on several occasions and have only been harmed further. I have ALWAYS regretted it. The system, as it is today, is set up to protect those who abuse. They may get slapped on the wrist, at the most, but only at the expense of the abused. And I don’t think fighting the system should be left for victims to do on their own. Especially when the rest of society is silent. We are fighting a losing battle until the rest of you join the fight and protect us from this further victimization.

I have had way too many things go wrong in my life. I am embarrassed of my life, of my story. For every one thing I say, there are ten I don’t. It is unbearable to see as a whole. This is why I need a trained and skilled professional. Someone who can connect the dots and understand why everything that happened to me was linked to the abuse and loss before it. I was not set up to succeed in life. I have been forced to wear a perfectly put together exterior to hide behind. I cannot risk being hurt further. And now the armor built to protect me, harms me. My pain is easily missed and overlooked. Am I strong, yes. Have I endured, yes. I am intelligent and articulate and calm and cool and collected… and perfectly broken! And alone inside with all the unspoken and unknown broken pieces!

I spoke to four therapists and met with two of them. I just wanted to find a new therapist, that was it.

I wrote a post about trying to find a new therapist. Because I have been in therapy for the past few months, each one I talked to wanted to know why I was leaving my current therapist. The first therapist I spoke to, I protected Lucy. I didn’t want to say what happened. I just wanted help. After hanging up the phone, she called me back with some names of other therapists I could talk to as well and said a few other things to me. By the time I got off the phone with her, I felt like I was keeping some secret. It reflected the rest of my life. I felt as though this therapist possibly was left with the impression that I was a difficult client and maybe didn’t even want to meet with me. All because I was protecting Lucy. I felt awful and it all felt unjust. So I called her back and told her what Lucy did that caused me to leave. Her demeanor absolutely changed with me. She had compassion for my situation. She understood me. So I chose to speak the truth, my truth. It wasn’t to hurt anyone, it was to find help.

In order not to experience these awful feelings again, I clearly stated what happened and left it at that with each of them I talked to.

Well one of the therapists I met with (the one I didn’t choose), has what my husband and I would call “a lifeguard” mentality. We have all seen that one lifeguard who blows their whistle and tells you to “cut that out” simply because they can. The position of authority has gone to their head. Everything is about rules and regulations! She was more concerned about rules and regulations than my past abuse or my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, she was kind. But I was emotionally exhausted when I met with her.

She is telling me that she HAS to report Lucy whether I cooperate or not. I am not making a judgment call about that. But this all happened to me. And now she is going to contact Lucy by email and potentially report her. However, in doing all of this she is also potentially going to have to give the board her notes from my meeting with her. I feel as though I walked into a trap.

I didn’t ask for this and I don’t want it! This all happened to me. I know what happens when you trust the system. I have had enough. Having all of this done, pretending it is for me, makes me frustrated. I feel as though this is something that is being done to me. And certainly is being done against my will. I was naive in the past when it comes to dealing with the system, but not anymore.

I wanted help and protection and instead I got this. What good are rules and regulations if they don’t protect individuals? Shouldn’t rules serve us, rather than us serving them?

I am frustrated when someone pretends to be doing something for me, when I don’t want it and didn’t ask for it in the first place. None of the other therapists felt the need to do this. What she is doing feels worse than what Lucy did. Part of me wants to file a complaint against her for filing a complaint against my will! But, of course, I am not going to do that.

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22 thoughts on “Against My Will

  1. I can empathize with at least part of your situation. People thinking the answer lies in living a perfect life instead of understanding who you are. The understanding is what truly brings peace, but it takes a very loving, patient, non-controlling counselor to get to that point. I would be more than willing to be an email pal, though! I have a blog https://centerforsurvivors.wordpress.com/ and it is all about finding others who really do understand your pain. I would love for you to join, read, and find encouragement in our community. Also, feel free to email me, as I do know some of your frustrations, and at the very least take a real interest in who you are. sydney_bosque@outlook.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is your other comment that got sent to my Pending Folder, but didn’t show up in my notifications. I just now saw both of them. So I am late in responding and I apologize.

      I will check out your blog. I believe I may have read a few of your posts earlier today.

      Finding a good therapist really has been a nightmare for me. I gave up for many years just struggling on my own. When I finally was ready to try again… well, this all happened.

      Thank you for your support and encouragement. I sincerely appreciate your thoughtfulness. I will email you as soon as I can. We have two busy days ahead. My husband goes back to see his surgeon for a follow-up appointment tomorrow. And I see my new therapist for the second time on Friday. But I should be able to email you somewhere between these appointments.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow..I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. This is so not fair to you and it makes no sense in why she has to file a complaint. It makes me wonder if she just wants to because she doesnt like Lucy. I’m from a small town and I know that happens alot. It’s not right at all though, if you wanted to file a complaint that is one thing, not for her to do it on her own.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it isn’t because she doesn’t like Lucy. I think it is because she is self important. I think why someone does something like this is important. This conclusion was after speaking with her, meeting with her, and several email interactions. The facts weren’t even the most important thing… just being able to report it! Thank you!

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  3. I’m sad for your situation. I don’t fully understand what happened…but I had an abusive mental health professional that I saw. I disclosed what happened to someone else and they had to take it through the safeguarding process. The reason the therapist is pursuing the complaint is only to protect other vulnerable people who could be targeted, so if you can try and think it isn’t done against you, but for the benefit of others, maybe that’ll help you feel better about the situation? I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish that really were the case. But I believe after several interactions with her, it isn’t about me or anyone else, but about her. And this is the problem.

      I do get what you are saying and I am all about protecting others. I have had further harm brought to myself trying to protect others in the past. My problem with this therapist is that I feel as though she lured me into a meeting with her knowing that she was going to do this, and now may use her notes from this meeting. I would have never consented to exposing myself to this. It feels as though I was tricked. That is my problem.

      Also, I have found a new therapist who could handle all of this. She just wants to be “important.” This is our assessment. It is like she wants to jump on it and be the one in the lime light if this makes any sense to you.

      Again, I do understand your point. It just isn’t being handled appropriately or by the right person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I do appreciate them! And thank you for your support. And I am very sorry for what you have experienced as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. I have never heard of or thought about this. I immediately thought of “patient/client” privilege but if you’re talking about abuse, I think that privilege becomes void. But, who’s to say, when she turns her in, that is isn’t pure retribution and not protection for you and others? You will be pulled into this, I’m afraid. Otherwise, it would be “she said…she said.” Who’s going to protect you from that backlash?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly!!! Thank you Laurel! This seems to be my life… asking for help has been one of the most dangerous and complicated things I have done. It shouldn’t be this hard. If we can’t trust a professional, where are we going? I hope I don’t put myself out there again only to discover it is all just BS! Then we can both join the “All By Myself Club!”

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      1. I’m really worried about this….and you. It can cause a shit storm of massive proportion if not handled in the right way. It could conceivably have-life long repercussions.
        I am just not comfortable with any of it. Please…please…be careful.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I am trying to be very careful. I told her that I don’t want my name used and I don’t want to be a part of any of it. I think this MAY limit what she can do… hopefully! Thank you Laurel!

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  5. Yikes. This therapist is on a mission. Keep speaking your truth. You could think of it as YOU being the advocate and protector of others in your situation, because Lucy was just plain bad. No one should have to endure that. You shouldn’t have had to endure that.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have been down this path, trying to help others, several times before. But only got revictimized and hurt further. So I am very leery. Especially since this woman is more concerned about reporting Lucy than really helping anyone. She knows I have a new therapist. She could have just let my new therapist take care of it. But she wants to be the “one.” It is more her approach and my reading of her character. For instance, the facts and details should be most important. Yet she didn’t seem overly concerned with that. Thank you for your encouragement and support!

    (I am sorry it took me so long to reply. I just found your comment in my Pending Folder. But it didn’t show up in my notifications.)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. She doesn’t HAVE to report her! I JUSt asked my therapist what HAS to be reported and she said if someone is going to harm them self or someone else. One therapist does not have to report another one. That is absurd. I have told my psychiatrist and my therapist about my last therapist who broke all ethical and HPPA rules and they didn’t report her. This a violation once again of YOUR rights that obviously no one is taking into consideration. How infuriating!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “I have had way too many things go wrong in my life. I am embarrassed of my life, of my story. For every one thing I say, there are ten I don’t.”

    I can relate to this so much. I live in my own bubble. I don’t tell anyone anything. I’m too afraid and ashamed. There are days where I want to shout to off of the rooftops but there is a stronger pull to be silent. It probably stems from my abuse and being manipulated into silence in the past.

    This situation for you is nuts. She doesn’t HAVE to report anything. So for her to take advantage of your situation like that for her gain is so unethical. I’m so sorry. I will be praying for this situation for you and that it just falls apart and goes way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hugs!!! What you share here is so very sad! When you stay in silence and just live inside of yourself, you really don’t ever deal or face anything. It just gets frozen inside of you. Thank you for your support and prayers!

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