I am very frustrated!
After going through all that I did with Lucy, I didn’t want to confront her. I didn’t have any intention of reporting her. I just wanted to find a therapist who would be present and do right by me. That is all I wanted.
I have trusted “the system” on several occasions and have only been harmed further. I have ALWAYS regretted it. The system, as it is today, is set up to protect those who abuse. They may get slapped on the wrist, at the most, but only at the expense of the abused. And I don’t think fighting the system should be left for victims to do on their own. Especially when the rest of society is silent. We are fighting a losing battle until the rest of you join the fight and protect us from this further victimization.
I have had way too many things go wrong in my life. I am embarrassed of my life, of my story. For every one thing I say, there are ten I don’t. It is unbearable to see as a whole. This is why I need a trained and skilled professional. Someone who can connect the dots and understand why everything that happened to me was linked to the abuse and loss before it. I was not set up to succeed in life. I have been forced to wear a perfectly put together exterior to hide behind. I cannot risk being hurt further. And now the armor built to protect me, harms me. My pain is easily missed and overlooked. Am I strong, yes. Have I endured, yes. I am intelligent and articulate and calm and cool and collected… and perfectly broken! And alone inside with all the unspoken and unknown broken pieces!
I spoke to four therapists and met with two of them. I just wanted to find a new therapist, that was it.
I wrote a post about trying to find a new therapist. Because I have been in therapy for the past few months, each one I talked to wanted to know why I was leaving my current therapist. The first therapist I spoke to, I protected Lucy. I didn’t want to say what happened. I just wanted help. After hanging up the phone, she called me back with some names of other therapists I could talk to as well and said a few other things to me. By the time I got off the phone with her, I felt like I was keeping some secret. It reflected the rest of my life. I felt as though this therapist possibly was left with the impression that I was a difficult client and maybe didn’t even want to meet with me. All because I was protecting Lucy. I felt awful and it all felt unjust. So I called her back and told her what Lucy did that caused me to leave. Her demeanor absolutely changed with me. She had compassion for my situation. She understood me. So I chose to speak the truth, my truth. It wasn’t to hurt anyone, it was to find help.
In order not to experience these awful feelings again, I clearly stated what happened and left it at that with each of them I talked to.
Well one of the therapists I met with (the one I didn’t choose), has what my husband and I would call “a lifeguard” mentality. We have all seen that one lifeguard who blows their whistle and tells you to “cut that out” simply because they can. The position of authority has gone to their head. Everything is about rules and regulations! She was more concerned about rules and regulations than my past abuse or my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, she was kind. But I was emotionally exhausted when I met with her.
She is telling me that she HAS to report Lucy whether I cooperate or not. I am not making a judgment call about that. But this all happened to me. And now she is going to contact Lucy by email and potentially report her. However, in doing all of this she is also potentially going to have to give the board her notes from my meeting with her. I feel as though I walked into a trap.
I didn’t ask for this and I don’t want it! This all happened to me. I know what happens when you trust the system. I have had enough. Having all of this done, pretending it is for me, makes me frustrated. I feel as though this is something that is being done to me. And certainly is being done against my will. I was naive in the past when it comes to dealing with the system, but not anymore.
I wanted help and protection and instead I got this. What good are rules and regulations if they don’t protect individuals? Shouldn’t rules serve us, rather than us serving them?
I am frustrated when someone pretends to be doing something for me, when I don’t want it and didn’t ask for it in the first place. None of the other therapists felt the need to do this. What she is doing feels worse than what Lucy did. Part of me wants to file a complaint against her for filing a complaint against my will! But, of course, I am not going to do that.