Validation

On Friday I saw Sandy for my second appointment. She said something to me that no therapist has ever said to me before. She told me that it was not possible to be married to someone like my ex-husband (a psychopath) for that many years and it not have a huge impact on me and on my self esteem and sense of myself.

I don’t have access to this part of my life. I lived in that marriage with a facade of a perfect life. And since our divorce, I have continued to carry a facade that covers this hidden brokenness. No one asked to enter into the world I lived in. And so it stayed hidden and insignificant.

I don’t have access to much of my memories. I don’t have access to my emotions or feelings about any of it. The pain is there inside my physical body and I live with anxiety and shame. But I don’t even acknowledge it happened at all, not to myself or to others. I don’t yet understand why.

When Sandy said that to me, it is as if someone finally gave me permission to explore this part of my life, to feel my own feelings.

Last night I read the following blog post and while reading it, I burst into tears. I recognized myself in this list. Several stuck out to me that were attached to the trauma of my ex-husband. And for the first time I have been able to begin to relate some of my struggles with my own thoughts to these experiences. Instead of them being unattached and traumatic living inside of me with no association to any experiences.

So I share a link here in hopes that it might help others to attach their pasts with the emotions and reactions shared in the following post.

To All The Ladies by ALEXANDRAAAMORGAN:

https://centerforsurvivors.wordpress.com/2016/09/30/to-all-the-ladies/

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19 thoughts on “Validation

  1. Blue I am so happy that you have had this break-through. I hope this will allow you process these memories and make peace with them. When I read it this is what struck me, “To all the ladies, you are important and beloved, and your worth is not defined by anything in this world.” This is the very lesson I am learning now. Who I am in Christ and the relationship I have with Him is more important than anything or anyone. 🌹 Blessings to you, Barn

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    1. Barney, that is one of my favorite lines, also, and I’m so glad that it connected with the lessons you’re learning in your life and in your relationship with Christ! To include you in the line, I’d change it to “To all God’s children, you are important and beloved, and your worth is not defined by anything in this world.” 🙂

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  2. Wow. There were a handful on this list that I know apply to me but I could not connect with them. I think I have so much locked up inside of me that I haven’t even touched yet. I have never been validated in my abuse straight off except by my therapist. So it’s hard for me to accept it and let it sink in. This applies to my marriage as well. Thank you so much for sharing this.

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    1. You are welcome! I can relate to not being able to connect to your abuse and to not being validated. My husband validates me, but I have spent my life being harmed further by the abuse that I have suffered… having it minimized and discounted. I have become terrified of it all. It hurts that it happened and it doesn’t feel safe to share it. We already minimize it so much ourselves. It seems too hard for others to “get” us. And so we constantly retreat. There is no healing to be found when for every step forward we take, it seems we are pushed three steps backward. We survived against all odds. And now it seems as though we must try to find healing against all odds as well. As with this post, sometimes it takes hearing the words of others who can say what we cannot. What happened to you is real… your body keeps the score!

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing my piece, Blue Sky! I am so glad that it connected and resonated with your experience in therapy. Please feel free to reach out, if you ever want or need to. It takes so much courage and strength to begin to access those memories and emotions, and I am so proud of you for taking those first steps to FEEL.

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    1. This kind of all took me by surprise. It is very strange to struggle with feelings and emotions without being able to attach them to our experiences. It only increases our fear and anxiety. Being able to make these connections at least lets us begin to understand ourselves better. And your post I am sure was relatable to so many women. Thank you!

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        1. When I read one of your posts you talked about needing help to unravel it all, a huge tangled mess that is hard for the person to even grasp so it does help having help to figure it all out! It’s weird we have reactions, fears, feelings and many times dont know why!

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        2. Yes Lyn, and I do think this causes a great deal of our anxiety and fear of our own emotions. Making these connections at least can help us understand ourselves better… not be so hard on ourselves. Hugs!

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