On Friday I saw Sandy for my second appointment. She said something to me that no therapist has ever said to me before. She told me that it was not possible to be married to someone like my ex-husband (a psychopath) for that many years and it not have a huge impact on me and on my self esteem and sense of myself.
I don’t have access to this part of my life. I lived in that marriage with a facade of a perfect life. And since our divorce, I have continued to carry a facade that covers this hidden brokenness. No one asked to enter into the world I lived in. And so it stayed hidden and insignificant.
I don’t have access to much of my memories. I don’t have access to my emotions or feelings about any of it. The pain is there inside my physical body and I live with anxiety and shame. But I don’t even acknowledge it happened at all, not to myself or to others. I don’t yet understand why.
When Sandy said that to me, it is as if someone finally gave me permission to explore this part of my life, to feel my own feelings.
Last night I read the following blog post and while reading it, I burst into tears. I recognized myself in this list. Several stuck out to me that were attached to the trauma of my ex-husband. And for the first time I have been able to begin to relate some of my struggles with my own thoughts to these experiences. Instead of them being unattached and traumatic living inside of me with no association to any experiences.
So I share a link here in hopes that it might help others to attach their pasts with the emotions and reactions shared in the following post.
To All The Ladies by ALEXANDRAAAMORGAN: