Longing

longing

My body longed to dance
but you made it freeze
you paralyzed me
my body’s ability to move
is now crippled
I hide and never feel free
inside of my own skin…
I even hide from me

My voice longed to sing
you silenced it
even in my nightmares
when my mouth opens
no sound escapes
I am now left terrified
to even speak my truth

You stole the music
that fed my soul
and replaced it
with the sound of heartache
and agony
lyrics now bring sorrow
each phrase cuts like a razor
into the scars
you poured into me

Laughter and joy were replaced
by those irreparable cuts to my soul

I longed to be present
to experience life
you erased every part of me
instead I went through life invisible
no one noticed me

My soul longed to dream
of a future
but you stole it all away
sorrow replaced every joy

What were you thinking?

What did you believe
life would be like for me
after you were through?

Did you really think
laughter would return,
that life would just flow
once again
from out of this brokenness
you left behind?

Did you think life
would just go on for me?

Oh, that is right,
you never thought of me!

What was left of me
when you were through
was just a shell
a crippled soul
a doormat
for others to just walk upon

They too
just dusted off their feet
and went on their way
when they were through

It was I
who was left alone

It was I who stood in the distance
and just watched
as others lived their lives

You broke me
until I could no longer
feel a thing

No one noticed
no one cared at all

I longed to be a part of this world
to feel joy

But there was none to be found
there was just more heartache to come
more loss and abandonment
no end to the betrayal

They all added up

So much more has been expected of me
than anyone ever expected from you

Let me see, without love
or affection
without even my memories
I was expected
to just constantly take it all
time and time again

But not you
not any one of you
no one would have ever wanted
any of you to suffer
everyone always protected
each and every one of you!

No one paid
time and time again
no one paid!

I wear the scars
I bare the pain
I live the fear and anxiety

I wear the shame
of each and every one of you

I longed to be understood
but everyone left me
I feel as though
everything about me
is so misunderstood
they always accepted you
now I am left
afraid of my own thoughts
scared of my own feelings
hating myself
while they embrace you

As if this weren’t enough
it seems unbearable
that still to this day
more is expected of me
than ever will be expected
of any one of you!

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6 thoughts on “Longing

        1. I was wondering if you could check out my latest post. My goal is to write a book one day that just expressed the thought that go through the head ( or at least, my head) of a rape and abuse victim. I would value your input, but I will warn that it may have triggers. So, please be aware.

          Liked by 1 person

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