During an emotional and physical trigger there is absolutely no logic whatsoever in what we are experiencing. There is no logic in our thoughts, our feelings, or our words. This is a huge reason why these experiences are so terribly painful. There is no way to change this because we have no control over it. They come at unexpected times and places.
Men are very logical in their thinking. But trying to use logic to help us does NOT make anything better. It only prolongs and deepens the pain we are feeling.
My husband is aware about half of the time when these triggers happen to me. It all depends on what the triggers are and my reactions to them. He is used to dealing with the logical side of me during conversations, for the most part. In other words, he knows that I do have the ability to reason and that I have the ability to be logical. So during the other 50% of the time, it is much harder for him to realize what is going on until it is too late. And I am not able to stop and say, “I am not logical right now, I am overwhelmed and spiraling.”
I think he gets confused and probably thinks in his head, “Okay, where is my wife and what have you done to her!” But I cannot help him figure it out in these moments because I don’t know what is going on either.
Yesterday, I had a very bad triggering experience that neither of us handled well. We eventually figured out what was happening, but not before hurting each other unintentionally. Fortunately, we were able to work this out afterward. We also realized that I have been struggling excessively lately and these have been happening on a daily basis for sometime now.
While these are excruciating to experience, it is also an extremely stressful situation for those who love us and live through this with us. They are true heroes. And we as victims need to make sure we take time to be kind to them and be aware of how wonderful they are. I don’t know where we would be without them! No one knows or sees what this is like in the way that they do. This is not just a theory or a concept to them, they do live it with us. And they really need to be commended and honored. It is a very painful walk for them as well.
I have been suffering with panic and these triggers since before I met my husband. But I didn’t know what was happening to me or have a name for it. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. And because I was raped by a therapist, I didn’t see therapy as an option for me and I have just been struggling on my own without professional help. I can see now how much harm this has brought to me and my husband.
For many years, instead of me finding comfort in the midst of these, we would fight and I would be traumatized further. I didn’t know, so how could he? I just blamed myself for what was happening to me and thought, “If I could just be stronger and not feel so much, things could be different.” This caused us to even separate for a year early on in our marriage. And then left us in a sexless marriage for many, many years. We were loving toward each other and I knew that he loved me, logically in my head. But these experiences traumatized me so much that I could not feel his love for me.
This has all made me wonder how many countless women out there who have been abused are suffering like I have without help and without even knowing what is happening to them or why? How many women have lost there marriages and relationships over this unnecessarily because so many of us struggle alone without professional help? Many of us are traumatized and don’t even know it. We just become harder and harder on ourselves to try and conquer the impossible. It is like fighting a losing battle.
This has all happened to me and countless others because abuse is traumatizing. It can go on for so long that it becomes a way of life and becomes normalized for us. I didn’t know any different. It is still hard for me to actualize or take in the concept of my own trauma. It was a way of life. To see it in its real context is foreign.
There is no logic in being abused, there is no logic in experiencing trauma. There is no logic that exists in these traumatic experiences that go on and on and on while our minds, bodies, and emotions try to make sense out of something that makes no sense at all. And there is absolutely no logic that will soothe or help someone experiencing a trigger or panic attack.
Love isn’t logical, but we love anyway. Our reactions to triggers don’t make any sense to others observing them, and they don’t make sense to us either. That is why these experiences are so frightening and overwhelming. How we react may not make any sense, but we need someone to help us anyway. But just know that logic does NOT apply!