Perfectly Polished

polished-diamond

As I read her words
tears streamed down my face
I couldn’t stop crying

It touched
an untouched part of me
the part confused
and hidden
in memories long lost

The struggles are so similar
second guessing everything we say

Speaking or sharing
and then being filled with anxiety
afraid of our own thoughts
and feelings
and emotions
afraid of our reality

Always afraid!
Afraid of what?

The panic over an unkind word
or a kind one said at the wrong time
in the wrong way

What have they done to us?
Uncomfortable in this world
uncomfortable in our own skin

The manipulation
the cruelty
the heartlessness
from the one who promised
to love and cherish
to honor and protect

But we were left
protecting them

Protecting ourselves
from him and the truth
we lived behind closed doors

We and our children
bear the scars

Both of us always moving
taken away from family
and friends
always starting over
for a dream of his
to fulfill
while all our dreams
got lost in the sorrow
and fear we were left to bear
it became the armor
we wear

Always smiling
on the outside
while a cruel
and unusual battle
for the lives
of our very soul
raged inside
of our physical bodies
that often withered
in tiredness and loss of hope

For the children
we kept order and calm
carrying the weight
of endless worlds
upon our fragile
shoulders

Our feet walked
a path of remorse
of regret
with no way out
we were trapped
inside a hell
that shined
like sunshine
blinding those
who looked upon
our perfectly polished
exterior

Now we are free
but ONLY
on the outside
as we struggle
with fear and anxiety

Panic attacks
now grace our freedom

Haven’t we paid enough?

What is this now we see
in the darkness of night
and in the light of day
a soul torn apart
by yesterday

They took too much
they demanded our all
they would never stop
until they crushed our soul

They wanted to know
what it is that we desire
just so that they
could withhold it from us
we were their prey

I remember being dragged
down the stairs by my hair
the hooked end of a hammer
hanging over my head
as the children stared in fear
get out
GET OUT!
he said

With no family or friends
no place to go
God help me!
I am stuck with him instead

It was our dog
that we loved
he took into a field
and killed
with his bare hands
just because we loved the dog
and it wasn’t about him

I remember the time
when our neighbors came by
two men
to talk the gun out of his hand
he held at my head

And the time his fingerprints
were left around my neck
they wanted to call the police
but “NO” is what I said

I spent many years terrified to sleep
afraid for my life
so under the mattress of my bed
I kept a knife
for some peace and security
a life filled with dread
without comfort or peace
an iron fist instead

Everything ALWAYS
has to be about them
it was our very breath they demanded
through brainwashing
with the doubts and fears
implanted into our head

We needed them
we couldn’t make it without them
is what they said
and yet always threatening
to abandon us instead

It is heartbreaking now to see
this is the life
of women chained and crippled
by psychopathy

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Perfectly Polished

    1. And I guess much of this is the basis of the anxiety, panic, and depression we are left with. It is crippling how all of these emotions are as strong today as if it were yesterday… and still with nowhere to go!

      Liked by 1 person

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