Is Anything Real?

caution

When my first marriage ended and I realized who my ex-husband was… I felt like my whole life was a lie, that nothing was real.

When the minister and the church turned against me, I felt like everything that I thought was true about them and my relationship with them was a lie.

When everything ended with the therapist who raped me, I felt like everything about our relationship was a lie.

When I finally realized who my daughter was, I felt like everything I thought to be true about our relationship was a lie.

When I say “everything was a lie” I mean their love for me… how I thought they felt about me… how they made me think they felt about me, was all a lie.

One by one, nothing was ever real. It plays with my mind and my  emotions.

The other day I had these feelings. And then I started to question, “Is anything real? Does anyone really love me or care about me?”

Why do I try so hard and love so deeply if I am always being played? Does everyone really just see me as a fool?

I know in my head that this probably is not true. But in my heart sometimes I get scared and find myself spiraling and becoming afraid.

This is a continual struggle for me. And it all makes me very sad.

The following song describes my life:

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak (with Lyrics)

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16 thoughts on “Is Anything Real?

  1. I feel this too. I’m so afraid of relationships, period. They feel so dangerous. I’ve only been hurt and played. I don’t understand love or how to really recognize it genuinely because what I’ve given as “love” is so toxic and twisted and wrong…I’m just now learning that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This makes me very sad! After being played by the most important people in our lives, there seems to be no way around struggling even in the face of real love. And this is for at least two reasons. One, we are hyper vigilant and notice everything, and often hear something good in a bad way. And also, because people are human and unintentionally hurt us. I don’t think anyone could imagine how excruciating it is to risk love after these experiences. The only thing we can do is try to at least understand our feelings. And if someone comes along that we think we can trust, share these experiences with them. If they have a heart, they will stay and understand our fears. I just don’t know what it will take to heal them or stop the panic or triggers that arise from risking for love, even when the love is real. I do understand this struggle and dilemma. For this, and many other reasons, I don’t know if relationships will ever be easy. Thank you for sharing. I have only realized a few days ago all that I wrote in this post.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Agreed. My mom is a narcissist who has always used me, played me for a fool. Did she ever love me at all? The one person in life who is supposed to live you, you have doubts about. Heartbreaking…

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I think the most succinct way to put this (in my terms) is that I have never felt loved….ever.
    Those *** ministers? My uncle was one and he was a sleeze. The one who was at “our church” would get drunk every week-end and call my daddy to come pick him up. He’s also the one who my mama and daddy got to come over and talk to me when I decided to get an apartment while saving money for college.
    He asked my why I wanted to be “a whore.” He said young women who lived by themselves were whores.
    Yep…everybody who was supposed to have loved me…have *** me over. My solution? NEVER again! I live alone and I will die alone.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Reading your post felt like sand shifting beneath my feet so that I am thrown off balance. I can see your fear and confusion and how hard it is to trust, I can relate a lot to that. How do we know real love when we grew up with everyone who should have been safe using us in one way or another? There was no strong foundation to build on.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I shift in and out of this fear even with those who do love me… because all the people of my past who betrayed me, I once thought they loved me too. It was all just a matter of time. Your description was very powerful. Others love could also be described like sand running through our fingers… hence the fear. This is also why nothing really feels safe for long.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It is such a big shock when you grow up believing you are loved only to find that they all abused you. It is therefore very normal to not trust anyone after such huge betrayals.
        I have recently found myself in a position where I have had to find ways to stand up for myself. Since this happened I have been talking to people more. I think you can gain a feeling of inner security when you know you can stand up for yourself. Mostly though, I prefer to have my own space.
        I think therapy gives us a little hope. We do not know what we are capable of with that kind of support….

        Liked by 2 people

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