When my first marriage ended and I realized who my ex-husband was… I felt like my whole life was a lie, that nothing was real.
When the minister and the church turned against me, I felt like everything that I thought was true about them and my relationship with them was a lie.
When everything ended with the therapist who raped me, I felt like everything about our relationship was a lie.
When I finally realized who my daughter was, I felt like everything I thought to be true about our relationship was a lie.
When I say “everything was a lie” I mean their love for me… how I thought they felt about me… how they made me think they felt about me, was all a lie.
One by one, nothing was ever real. It plays with my mind and my emotions.
The other day I had these feelings. And then I started to question, “Is anything real? Does anyone really love me or care about me?”
Why do I try so hard and love so deeply if I am always being played? Does everyone really just see me as a fool?
I know in my head that this probably is not true. But in my heart sometimes I get scared and find myself spiraling and becoming afraid.
This is a continual struggle for me. And it all makes me very sad.
The following song describes my life:
Wicked Game by Chris Isaak (with Lyrics)