I Am Sorry!

sorry

I am sorry
I don’t always smile
or laugh
when you need me to

I am sorry
for all the sorrow
that always sits
just under the surface

I am sorry I cry more
than you would like me to
that I can’t always
find joy
even in simple things

I am sorry
I am filled with fear
that weighs me down
that my heart is heavy
when you
need it to be light

I am sorry
my life has not been
all that you wanted it to be
that my sorrow
always pours out in my poetry

I am sorry
I feel weak
even though
you see me as strong

I am sorry
my heart still breaks
even though
you try to hold
the broken pieces
in your hands

I am sorry
for all that happened
in my past
and even sorrier
for what it
still does to me today

But every day
I try
even when
I don’t know why

If anyone could feel
the weight I carry
no one would expect
so much from me

I am sorry
it all keeps me
from being everything
you want me to be

I know you want me
to reach for the stars
when I can’t seem
to even touch the ceiling
or put my feet
onto the floor

Please know
that I try
every day I try

I am sorry
for the abuse
I am sorry
I lost too much
too soon
I am sorry
I had to spend
my life fighting
just to survive
I am sorry
for everyday
that I fail to thrive

I am sorry
this burden
is too great

I am sorry
that as a little girl
I had to bear
an adult sized burden
at such a young age

I am sorry
that as a woman
I have had to be
stronger than
grown men

I am sorry
girls and women
everywhere
can’t just shake off
these wounds

If you think of all
the excuses men have
for everything they do
it seems insane
the burdens
they leave behind
and even more insane
the expectations
put upon those
who bear
the consequences
of their lack of control

Men are filled
with excuses
for everything they do
while those they abuse
carry the burden
and expectations
of a world gone mad
expectations
never expected of them
expectations
that should be
theirs to bear
but instead
children and women
must wear

So again
I am sorry
I can’t be everything
you and society
expect of me
I am sorry
so very
very
sorry
that I am the one
who is sorry!

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27 thoughts on “I Am Sorry!

  1. I think I’m going to stop saying “I’m sorry.” I went to the doctor on Monday. She rolled her chair over to me, took my hands and said “your depression is killing you. Do you understand? You are dying.”
    I’ve been thinking about that for a few days. I’ve decided to just keep playing the pretend game.
    I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Laurel, this was crushing to read. I have been struggling to even understand why A. even wants me to be aware of my feelings when I worked so hard to stop feeling. You just answered that question. Shutting down and not feeling may seem like a reprieve, but it is probably very destructive to our emotional and physical well being. And yet to feel that depth of sorrow is beyond frightening. I wish I could give you an answer. I do understand everything that you said here. Depression can often feel like a slow death. I can only hope that YOU will never give up completely on yourself. Your doctor was trying to give you a wake up call… I think you just gave me one! Hugs!!!

      Like

    1. I think these words came from trying to face the depression I have lived with for so long, but didn’t know what it was. And I haven’t understood the deep ways in which it has impacted me. When we have to hide our feelings because we are afraid of them, it is easy to just accept depression as a way of life. Through this poem I am expressing that I am sorry for your struggle too and for the fact that we are the ones left being sorry. It all seems messed up somehow. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “When we have to hide our feelings because we are afraid of them, it is easy to just accept depression as a way of life.” I think I have done this too for many years but I was afraid of the depression so I just dissociated all of it and stopped feeling. I think you have a lot of courage to stand and face your depression, I hope I can find that one day too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I am trying to understand. But as you said, I am discovering that I have dissociated from my emotions, but I haven’t realized how destructive that is. I don’t know how to connect to it yet. I just experienced today taking something very painful and stuffing it. So I think we are on this journey together. You may understand all of this better than I do. Realizing all of this is a little frightening though. But I think you understand what I am saying. I am trying to become aware of how it exists in me and trying to understand how it has effected me. I don’t have any answers, but I am trying. I have not arrived, I am at the beginning and just learning. This is all very new to me. The fact that you can relate is very helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I must say, I am at the place of being afraid of the depression too. I have been asked to become aware of my feelings and emotions after working so hard to stop feeling. I am filled with questions. And after my experience today, I am a little freaked out over how easy I can shut down. For the first time I have literally witnessed feeling hurt and pain so deeply that I cannot process it or feel it. It feels psychotic and surreal. Please know that you are helping me to. Maybe the only place our souls feel safe to be honest is in our writing. The last time I met with A., I started crying because if I were to read my poetry, it is filled with evidence of depression and my soul crying out for help. But I feel in so many ways that this went unnoticed even by me. I am a veteran of heartache and pain, but a baby in trying to understand it and face it with it finally having a name. Before it just was. Thank you, the feeling is mutual.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Learning to cope with emotions is something we should have learned as children but were not able. It is hard to learn as an adult, we can only take baby steps. Shutting down has protected you and enabled you to survive for a long time. It will take time to learn to stay with the feelings but I believe that little by little you will feel more and shut down less. Be patient with yourself, you are doing the best you can with what you have.

        Liked by 1 person

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