Where does sorrow come from and where does it all hide?
You can only drink so much, eat so much. And yet sorrow
comes and comes, and it flows and flows, as if from an
endless place somewhere between time and space.
She was on assignment, in search of the feelings stuffed
away in a pile of endless heartache left unheard and unseen.
Instead of finding the emotions hidden underneath, like a
witness to a crime scene, she stood there stunned when
someone hurt her as she watched all the hurt and pain
immediately disappear as if nothing just happened.
Standing there speechless to the immediate clean up
happening so quickly right before her very eyes.
All evidence disappeared, no fingerprints detected, no photos
taken. Not a single trace of the crime left behind. As if nothing
just happened, nothing at all!
It all felt psychotic and surreal. And then it happened again.
She realized this was not just a fluke!
She stood there confused thinking, “So this is where all the
pain went when I was just a child and all the times in my past
that I feared for my life.”
There are no memories of crying, no memories of feeling
the pain back then. She just walked through life like a bundle
of anxiety, numb and invisible, with nothing, nothing at all
feeling or being right.
The pain was too deep. Somehow the brain made it all disappear.
Now, in the present, she just stands there as she watches it happen
right before her eyes. For the first time witnessing what can happen
to pain and sorrow. And then again the next day. She was the only
witness, with no emotions or words. It all just disappeared as she
stood there speechless and numb.
“What just happened?” “What was that?”
There is too much pain inside. She doesn’t feel safe. She never feels
safe enough. Her emotions get pushed aside over and over again. It is
how she survives.
The next scene in life emerges with complete denial of what just happened.
The pain for sure is there, with all the rest from countless times before
just piling up higher and higher.
Instead of finding her emotions, she watched the new ones disappear.
Instead of grieving the old pain inside, she now grieves for the fact that
she cannot feel or process the present.
Maybe the universe is so vast, immeasurable, and dark because it
holds all the sorrow that never seems to end.