Behind The Closed Blinds

closed-blinds

I hide behind the blinds that cover each window that face the front of my home

I never answer my front door when I am home alone

Because I keep the blinds closed, I had my husband build a ledge twelve inches down from the top of each window, and hang the blinds from them to let some light in during the day while giving me the safety and protection I need

I hide in my home to find security

I didn’t realize until today, that I am not aware of how much my fear and anxiety control me every day

It has all become normal to me

I feel safe in my home with the blinds closed in all the windows that face the road, it is the only place I feel safe

How did my world become so small?

My heart was full of love, but one by one they tore it apart and filled it with fear

Now I don’t even know how much I hide just to stay alive

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27 thoughts on “Behind The Closed Blinds

    1. From the outside looking in, it appears as though we built this prison all by ourselves. It appears as though we choose to live like this. It appears as though it is OUR choice. No one saw, no one knows, no one felt the hands that REALLY built this prison! Hugs!!!

      Liked by 4 people

  1. Very sad! I wish all your attempts to gain more freedom will be rewarded by kindness, love, compassion, connection,…by the feeling and the knowledge that you belong to the world out there and that this world needs you too.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I consistently have a flashback that relates to a doorbell. The “doorbell rings” in my sleep and I panic. I’ve made my husband get out of bed to make sure there’s actually no one there…and of course there wasn’t. It’s happened in the day times a few times recently. My heart pounds and I freeze. I won’t move for a very long time. For this reason I never open the door when I’m home alone either…even when I know there is someone there. I have yet to unlock or understand this memory. I don’t know what the doorbell means. I wish I did…but then again, maybe I don’t. I hope you can feel safety more and more as you heal and process what you have gone through. It’s sad we have to live like this to feel safety.

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  3. Same here! I will not answer the door because of some unknown fear. Maybe I should explore that more. I suffer from PTSD from my abuse. I know I’ve heard others that also suffer, also hide behind their blinds.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Absolutely.

        I can’t say I’ve ever been sexually abused, and I don’t want to take anything from your incredible story. It is a good thing to see you able to express it, and talk about it, because that means there’s hope for something better…but I will say that I have been used emotionally, and it can take so much from you. You’re a kindred spirit. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I just found your comment in my Pending Folder! That is sad to hear. It is sad when being in your home is the only place you can feel safe… until the doorbell rings! xxx

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