Sometime

handcuffs

I know that I laugh sometimes
while I cry inside

I smile and joke
and have fun sometimes
while I cry inside

I play and sing
and dance sometimes
while I cry inside

When you tell me I am strong
I cry inside

When you say I am resilient
I cry inside

When you say I have done so well
I cry inside

I don’t ever hear the words you say
not in the way that you mean them
and so I cry inside

What I hear
is that hiding this pain from you
is being strong
that never ever letting it out
is being resilient
and never letting any of it show
is me doing well
and so I cry inside

I feel all alone!

What you do not know
what you have not seen
is the countless years
of gaslighting and conditioning
that has crippled me

Everything is confusing
it is hard to believe my own reality

And so I smile while I cry inside
I appear resilient and strong
when in reality
my soul cries out endlessly
for someone
anyone
sometime
at least one time
to finally see
to hear
to know
that all of this is the result
of careful and calculating
manipulation and conditioning
and that I am crying inside

That I am all alone
in this internal hell
created and held in captivity
and I am crying inside

My soul longs for someone
sometime
at least one time
to see beyond the visible
of what appears to be smiles
and resiliency and strength
and see the invisible
unbearable
unthinkable
trauma of pain and tears
locked up inside
at least one time
sometime

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22 thoughts on “Sometime

  1. The more I think of it the worse it gets. I see how this is isolating you from the world and how it makes people become unbearable in those moments when you actually need them the most. This is mind twisting in an awful way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it is very painful and confusing. It is not that I blame people who can’t possibly know or understand, but it is very isolating. When someone does really understand, it means so much. Thank you Jens! I truly appreciate your kindness!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand. You know I understand. I don’t know how many times I have thought “why do I smile and pretend to be interested when somebody tries to carry on a conversation with me? Why do I act like nothing bothers me when, in reality, I am literally dying?” My doctor told me my depression was killing me. For once, I didn’t put on my happy face. I just said “I don’t care.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laurel, Laurel, Laurel!!! I get the agony and endless heart ache from those who should have cared, but didn’t. I wish I could light even just a small spark of desire in you to even fight to understand your own pain, I do, I really do! I wish I could help you to care about yourself. You are not alone in that struggle. Losing everything, well… there are no words to describe that pain! I get it! You are dying inside, I have been dying inside, so many of us are dying inside because we can’t feel our own pain. And nothing can prepare us for others, even well meaning others, to say things that make us want to run and never look back. It shouldn’t be a struggle to feel our pain. It shouldn’t be a struggle to express our pain, but it is. I wish I could give you something that would allow you to fight this fight that should never even be a fight, but it is. I am calling out to you, I am sure many others are calling out to you to join us in this fight. We need you!!! You need you!!!

      Like

    1. There is a big difference between looking strong, seeming to be resilient, or appearing to be doing well from the outside and living a private hell on the inside. Many of us had to do this to survive. But now it just keeps us feeling all alone.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Terry! I do think of you often, knowing you have suffered with depression in your own life. I know that you know what it feels like to be alone even with others around you. Your words mean a lot! They really do! Thank you very much! Hugs and blessings to you my friend for all that lies ahead for you! ❤ And I mean this filled with positivity and good wishes and love and peace for you!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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