I Didn’t Want To


I didn’t want to.

I thought I knew why.

A. has been trying to encourage me to take medication. She hasn’t been pressuring me, but trying to be supportive and helpful. She has told me that she has seen the most success with medication for those who have suffered with depression for a long time like I have.

I don’t use medication much for anything. I have a passion for more natural ways first.

Therapy is hard, harder than I was expecting. But isolation and keeping it all inside has consequences too.

My husband told me that I have been struggling for so long that maybe I should try medication, especially since I am going to therapy as well. I saw his point and agreed to try medication.

I called a psychiatrist that A. recommended and made an appointment. The appointment wasn’t for several weeks. During the Christmas holidays I didn’t see A. for ten days and struggled a lot during this time. I became very overwhelmed and felt like no amount of medication could possibly touch the pain of the loss or trauma in my life. I got scared and called and canceled the appointment.

When I saw A. the next time, I talked to her about the struggles I was having and that I canceled my appointment. She was very understanding. She understood my mindset at the time. And then she began to talk to me about the struggles I am having and told me that medication is not going to do anything for the pain I have inside. It won’t touch that. But what it will do is help with my motivation and the feelings of being stuck. It will help me with the parts of depression that keep me immobile and paralyzed. I am sure both A. and my husband had said this to me before, but this time I heard her.

I have been having a hard time believing that the severe depression and complex PTSD are real. Nothing that has ever happened to me has been real to anyone, so it messes with my own reality.

But I was able to relate to the “feeling stuck.” These feelings are very real to me. I beat myself up everyday because of them. I didn’t know that this was a part of depression, I just thought I was failing as a person. This has been going on for too many years to count. So when she told me that, I could see how medication could be helpful to me. She told me that I am trying to do something I can’t do most likely because of an imbalance of the chemicals in my brain that the medication can help with.

So I told her that I would call and reschedule the appointment. I will not try to question my own struggle or pain. I can hold on to the fact that medication can possibly help with the quality of my life in ways I haven’t experienced for so long. For the rest I will trust her to know what she is talking about.

Since I called to reschedule the appointment, a lot of feelings have begun to arise inside of me.

It has forced me to face that I am mentally ill and the stigma that goes with that.

I have spent my life wearing a mask and appearing fine. Taking medication is blowing the roof off of my cover. It is forcing me to acknowledge to myself that I am NOT okay. This has been very painful and not easy, not when you have spent your life trying to convince others that everything is perfect.

It has caused me to become angry with all those who have hurt me, betrayed me, abandoned me, have sacrificed me. After all that I have been through and endured, this is what I am left with? Something feels VERY cruel about all of this. When I could hide it all, I didn’t have to face these feelings in this way.

It has caused me to be angry with society. I won’t even begin to mention the things that have been said to me, things that were hurtful and painful. I say this for myself and everyone else who has been abused.

Think about it for at least a few moments.

I am sure many people reading this wonder when am I (or others) going to ever get over this. If you were honest with yourself, I am sure many people have thoughts at times that are less than compassionate. But I will tell you what, no one has even thought these things toward those who hurt us, not in their daily lives. Others didn’t even believe us. The abusers aren’t thought badly of on a personal level. They don’t receive pressure to be different.

Something seems terribly wrong with all of this.

I am angry that as a society, the pressure always is put on the victims. Maybe each one who thinks or says something that is hurtful and not supportive thinks that it is just their thoughts or their feelings, without a clue of the many countless before them who have done the same. We have been publicly humiliated. Not the perpetrators, but the victims. And it just all adds to the pain we already have.

I can guarantee you that each and every person who has been abused has received far more pain from others than they have help. And very few perpetrators pay at all. Most become bolder and more arrogant in their pursuit for more victims. And everyone wonders why we are not better by now.

When someone has been held in captivity for years or even months, all of society looks at them with such awe of how they possibly survived. They instinctively know that it is going to be a long and painful process getting their lives back. Yet victims of sexual abuse who are held in captivity, many of us for years, get silence. More often than not, we receive no support. Many of us are treated with cruelty.

We already feel less than, we loathe the pain inside of us, we detest this struggle.

Something isn’t right.

I didn’t want to take medication.

I didn’t want to be abused, neglected, betrayed.

I didn’t want to admit the severity of the pain inside of me. Mostly because there was nowhere I could turn throughout my life where the tragedies were real to anyone.

I didn’t want to experience the silence from others.

I didn’t want to receive all the cruelty from others in response to the horrible things that I went through.

I didn’t want to know that the world doesn’t care if a little girl is sexually abused for years.

I didn’t want to know that the world doesn’t care what a man does to his wife and children.

I didn’t want to know that the world doesn’t care if a woman is raped.

I didn’t want to experience the lack of support in my life.

I didn’t want to be alone with all of this.

I didn’t want to face this pain.

But I have experienced all of this and here I am speaking about what no one wants to hear or see or know.

I have to take my head out of the sand, I am forced to see and feel and know that the unimaginable happened and it has damaged me.

And now I don’t want to face my own feelings about what taking medication says about me, and I don’t want the cruelty of others about it either.

But maybe we all need to face it. When it comes to abuse and mental illness, compassion is at a deep deficit!

I didn’t want to be in this place in my life that has caused me to write any of this.

I didn’t want to!


22 thoughts on “I Didn’t Want To

  1. This is such a heartbreaking post… My heart really goes out to you. I know what it’s like to have a strong aversion to having to take medication. I was like that too. I always hated medication, even when I was sick, I preferred healing naturally. Since I’ve been on my current meds now (an antidepressent, mood stabalizer and a sedative for when I’m in over my head with anxiety and panic attacks), I’ve changed my views toward these meds. They’ve helped me so much, and I’m sure that if you decide to go ahead with it, it will help you too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Rayne, thank you for taking the time to share your experience, it really means a lot. And this was very helpful and encouraging. I do have an appointment scheduled for a little over a week away. I didn’t know if many people would really understand this struggle unless they have experienced it. So thank you for your sweet support! It really does mean a lot!

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, it was! And just thinking about taking medication and making the appointment is making me feel things that are very painful and difficult. I do hope this is helpful to others. I very much appreciate your kindness! Thank you!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry about the pain you are going through. I understand the feelings about medications.
    But after reading your post, and relating to so much of it…I’m really struggling myself for the last few years with C-PTSD…I totally get the struggle about meds. I have for years thought, no way, but after reading your post I think I will look into medications for myself…at least see what’s out there.

    Thank you for writing this. No judgment here. Whatever it takes. Best revenge is to live well and if it takes meds to get you there, then so be it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right, it is not an easy choice to make. And I am sorry you are struggling so much. I am hoping that medication can at least improve the quality of my life so that I can find some pleasure again in life. And that it will help me be able to do the most basic things that remain so difficult to do on a daily basis. I do hope you can find the help and support you need as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I am glad it was helpful to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am one person who will never ever ask when you’re going to “get over” it. We are soul sisters. The stigma attached to mental illness is so debilitating. After my brother’s suicide in 1983 (we were both abused as kids and he finally gave up the fight of the aftermath: depression, PTSD….), my mental health issues were set off like a bomb going off. Immediately, I was given a prescription for meds–and I promptly threw it in the garbage–all because of the stigma. Now I take something. I still have depression, PTSD, but your therapist is right. Meds won’t cure your pain, but it will make your emotional vision clearer, settle your thought process, slow or dry the tears. I would highly recommend you give meds a good try. Then hopefully you will feel a little more at peace so you can move toward recovery and healing. Thank you for your openness. It helps so many know they aren’t alone. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mandy, I could cry for you in all that you shared here. The decision to take meds is forcing me to face the reality of my own suffering. It has been a very painful process getting here. I have been suffering for years undiagnosed. I cry just for all the years my husband and I have suffered not knowing what was wrong with me. So I retreated and isolated myself. I don’t have the ability to deal with the slightest cruelty. I do feel blessed to have my husband and to have finally found a wonderful therapist. I knew what I wanted in a therapist. I didn’t know I would be able to find what I needed in one. But I have and now for the first time in my life I have a place to process all that has been crushing me.

      Thank you for sharing your experience with meds. I was hoping others would share their experience, but I didn’t want to ask. I have been wrestling with a great deal of anxiety over it. I am hoping it will make a difference in my life. I have been stuck and paralyzed in ways too painful to mention. So what you shared here means so very much to me. It was very helpful and so appreciated. I think it is important to know what meds can and cannot do. I am hoping it will help with processing everything through therapy. Thank you Mandy!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad it helped a little to hear my experience. It so important for doctors and therapists to be honest with patients about what to expect from meds. The first many times I tried I had grandiose ideas that I’d be “healed.” Your therapist sounds wonderful. Together you will make so much progress! Give it a couple weeks (sometimes it doesn’t take that long!) but I hope you’ll blog through what happens. I look forward to sharing your journey!

        Liked by 1 person

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