Damaged

fragile1

As the tears fall endlessly
the pain crushes like a vice
tightening slowly
tortuously

The reality unbearable
as hope fades
leaving its burn marks
pierced deeply upon my soul

An understanding is left behind
a reality that has always been
too painful to see

My heart sinks
with this crushing weight
as sadness turns first to anger
a hatred of people and of life
before the despair and awareness
fully sets in

What have they done?

I cannot breathe

Solitude
solitude
I now understand
I understand why you have been
and are my destiny

I cannot see a way out
no one understands

I cannot retrace my path for you
I cannot relive for you
the pain I myself cannot bear to see

I give
I love
I try so hard to endure
but there is no escape
not for me
the damage
the damage
it is too deep
too complicated
twisted
and cruel

It has been a torturous existence
filled at every turn with reminders
of why
why I can not be free

The security I need
because of all that happened to me
because of all that they did to me
does not exist

I have tried
God knows I have tried

It was stolen from me
and no one can give it back to me

I am done

My voice chokes through the tears
my heart breaks
as the pieces scatter
laid raw and bare before me

I must retreat
the pain is too great
I lost something I can not get back
something is terribly broken
inside of me
the weight is too heavy
it is crushing me

For I can not know
I can not experience…

Only in fleeting moments
that painfully fade away…

I do NOT have the capacity
to feel loved!

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11 thoughts on “Damaged

  1. Hi Blue. I feel like I want to cry with you but my tears are stuck inside of me. How do we ever learn to love? It was never modeled. It was never freely given. We always had to give up or lose something of ourselves in such a painful way. You are hurting so much. I hurt with you. This HURTS! I believe, though, we will come out of this pain. I also believe that before we can, we have to walk through it again. I don’t know why but I think it’s true. You’re ok. Someday you’ll be ok. Keep going. I’m walking with you. We’re going to be ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This awareness broke me. I struggled so much over the past few weeks. It was after writing this that I canceled my first appointment with the psychiatrist. A. was very kind and understanding. I didn’t have her to talk to when I was experiencing all of this. She did tell me that, yes, it is possible for me to be able to feel loved. But not without a lot of hard work and time. That did give me hope. It certainly has been excruciating living with this pain. I do have a huge capacity to love, but it made me wonder if I am just hurting myself loving when I cannot feel loved. But the truth is, no matter how painful it is, we love anyway! I am sad for you and with you too! Thank you for sharing and for your kindness!

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I think of you often. This does make loving very painful at times and frightening. I don’t think we have any choice but to sit through the pain and try to shake fears grip until we can at least be numb to the fear. The alternative isn’t any better or less painful. And hopefully in time being loved, even the thought of it, won’t be so painful. It certainly is a crazy way to experience life. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

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