If

sunset

What would life be like
if I weren’t so afraid of you
if I didn’t hide away from you

What would life be like
if I let you be right here with me
if I let you have your say

What would life be like
if I wasn’t so afraid
of what other people
think about you
if I made them hear you anyway

What would life be like
if I embraced you
if I had compassion myself for you

What would life be like
if the world
did not want to silence you
if I was not so ashamed of you

What would life be like
if I could stop holding you back
if the fear of you would subside

What would life be like
if we were finally free
and could find the words
even if it took a long time
a lifetime

What would life be like
if I could finally understand you
and find healing
if I could not be so terrified of you
if the world was willing to avenge
for the sins and the evil that created you

What would life be like
if I could finally have you
all of you
and survive you
without being crushed by you
if I could finally have…
my feelings

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9 thoughts on “If

  1. Can you stand the pain to go back?
    Will you be hurt even more?
    Counseling is tough, it opens
    old wounds. They have to be
    opened to heal, from the inside
    out!
    Be gentle with yourself!
    You certainly deserve the same
    kindness you offer to others.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your thoughtfulness is touching! These are the questions I ask myself, holding it all inside is very painful. I am hoping that, in the end, opening up will be the better option. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your support. It means a lot to me!!!

      Like

  2. I didn’t even know I had feelings until recently. Seriously. I never felt them. I was told not to. I didn’t know how to engage them when they tried to come out. I still don’t. And when they surface now, it’s still such a weird and foreign feeling. I don’t know what to do with them, how to embrace them, how to feel them. It’s actually scary for me sometimes. I imagine by your poetry here, that this is how you feel as well. I dream about real, intimate, and safe relationships with real feelings and safety to feel them. It seems so distant for me though. But I have hope I’ll experience it someday and I have hope that you will too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Experiencing deep hidden feelings can be crushing and frightening. As Brené Brown said, you can’t block out pain without blocking out joy too. When you open up your heart to joy, the pain comes back too. This is what ultimately led me to go to therapy. It feels like there is no winning. There is no way around whatever we choose to do, it will be painful. But we have to strive somehow for a better quality of life.

      Liked by 1 person

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