The few days before my appointment with the psychiatrist, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. But at night when I was trying to sleep, I was filled with anxiety. So apparently I was more stressed than I had been aware of during the day.
I didn’t really know what to expect at my appointment. I am afraid to see doctors in general, so that in itself was enough to raise my anxiety level.
Last Monday was my first appointment. It took almost an hour to fill out all the paperwork, which included several psychological evaluations. Answering all those questions became overwhelming. I was sitting there in the waiting room, filled with people, with tears rolling down my face as I answered the seemingly endless pages of questions. It was like standing in front of a mirror and seeing for the first time all the pain that I have been living with in my life. It was everything I try not to feel.
I managed to pull myself together before we were called in to meet with the psychiatrist. She ended up spending a lot more time with me than I had anticipated and asked me more in depth questions. My husband and I liked her. She was soft spoken and thorough. She spent time explaining to us the different types of medication and the difference between them. In the end, she prescribed Zoloft for the depression and Xanax as needed for the panic attacks.
What I wasn’t expecting, is that after I left her office all the emotions started to rise inside of me and my anxiety increased. I think it was triggering just trying to get help because in the past things didn’t go well for me. I don’t know why, but once it was all over is when the emotions poured out and the pain and awareness of the reality of my life’s suffering became unbearable.
Then I was on a roller coaster ride of “I am taking the medication” to “I am not taking the medication” and I just tortured myself with this struggle. I saw A. two days later and talked to her about this struggle. She told me that she received a fax from the psychiatrist with the results of my evaluations and that they too diagnosed me with severe depression and CPTSD. I told her that I feel as though I am even afraid of what is good for me.
I have some good days so it is very confusing. While the good days I cherish and I am grateful for the reprieve, these times are actually the hardest. They make me confused and feel even more messed up. They are less familiar to me. I told A. it is like being in an abusive relationship, not all days are bad. And when the good days come, you question yourself and your own reality.
I told my husband that I wished someone would just knock me out and give me the medicine.
That night I was filled with anxiety again and woke up in the morning out of my sleep crying. This is when I realized that what I should be concerned about, is living with all of this stress and anxiety. It can’t be good for me. So I finally took the medication.
I don’t know what the outcome will be with the medication, but I am going to give it a try because one thing I do know for sure is that I do deserve a break from the heart ache and pain that I carry around inside of me every day. I don’t think it is normal to cry every day, which has been my life for too long. I am also hoping this will help me to be able to do the hard work in therapy that I need to do to process my past.
The last time I saw a psychiatrist was after I was raped by a therapist. I think this appointment triggered something in me. I feel as though it opened up emotions inside of me that I was not prepared to feel. The emotional pain was crushing and took me by surprise. It wasn’t easy taking the path to getting help, or to taking the medication.