It Wasn’t Easy

waiting-room

The few days before my appointment with the psychiatrist, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. But at night when I was trying to sleep, I was filled with anxiety. So apparently I was more stressed than I had been aware of during the day.

I didn’t really know what to expect at my appointment. I am afraid to see doctors in general, so that in itself was enough to raise my anxiety level.

Last Monday was my first appointment. It took almost an hour to fill out all the paperwork, which included several psychological evaluations. Answering all those questions became overwhelming. I was sitting there in the waiting room, filled with people, with tears rolling down my face as I answered the seemingly endless pages of questions. It was like standing in front of a mirror and seeing for the first time all the pain that I have been living with in my life. It was everything I try not to feel.

I managed to pull myself together before we were called in to meet with the psychiatrist. She ended up spending a lot more time with me than I had anticipated and asked me more in depth questions. My husband and I liked her. She was soft spoken and thorough. She spent time explaining to us the different types of medication and the difference between them. In the end, she prescribed Zoloft for the depression and Xanax as needed for the panic attacks.

What I wasn’t expecting, is that after I left her office all the emotions started to rise inside of me and my anxiety increased. I think it was triggering just trying to get help because in the past things didn’t go well for me. I don’t know why, but once it was all over is when the emotions poured out and the pain and awareness of the reality of my life’s suffering became unbearable.

Then I was on a roller coaster ride of “I am taking the medication” to “I am not taking the medication” and I just tortured myself with this struggle. I saw A. two days later and talked to her about this struggle. She told me that she received a fax from the psychiatrist with the results of my evaluations and that they too diagnosed me with severe depression and CPTSD. I told her that I feel as though I am even afraid of what is good for me.

I have some good days so it is very confusing. While the good days I cherish and I am grateful for the reprieve, these times are actually the hardest. They make me confused and feel even more messed up. They are less familiar to me. I told A. it is like being in an abusive relationship, not all days are bad. And when the good days come, you question yourself and your own reality.

I told my husband that I wished someone would just knock me out and give me the medicine.

That night I was filled with anxiety again and woke up in the morning out of my sleep crying. This is when I realized that what I should be concerned about, is living with all of this stress and anxiety. It can’t be good for me. So I finally took the medication.

I don’t know what the outcome will be with the medication, but I am going to give it a try because one thing I do know for sure is that I do deserve a break from the heart ache and pain that I carry around inside of me every day. I don’t think it is normal to cry every day, which has been my life for too long. I am also hoping this will help me to be able to do the hard work in therapy that I need to do to process my past.

The last time I saw a psychiatrist was after I was raped by a therapist. I think this appointment triggered something in me. I feel as though it opened up emotions inside of me that I was not prepared to feel. The emotional pain was crushing and took me by surprise. It wasn’t easy taking the path to getting help, or to taking the medication.

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28 thoughts on “It Wasn’t Easy

  1. I am so sorry about all this pain you are feeling. Filling out all those questions must have been like opening up a large wound and looking at all the causes at one time. I am glad that out of that you got some additional support….but that doesn’t lessen the pain. Your body has been in high anxiety mode all day every day for years. I hope you can allow your body to rest some with this new medication.

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    1. It didn’t go exactly the way I thought it would. I was glad my husband was with me. I was afraid to take the medication and also afraid not to. I am very glad I did as I have already started to get some relief. Thank you!

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    1. It was all very unexpected. Fortunately my husband was with me. Even though I was afraid to take the medication, I am glad I did. It has already started to give me some relief.

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  2. You are so strong. You were ready at last, to take the next step for help, despite the trauma and the pain you have lived with, you are strong and a survivor and it is time to take care of you and allow your husband and A and the psychiatrist to help!! Be proud of yourself, you did a big, big thing and you deserve a ton of praise!!! Great job, we are here with you too…supporting you and holding you up!!!

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    1. You are so kind! I appreciate your insight and encouragement. It sounds like you understand the struggle it takes to get to this point. For that, my heart goes out to you. Again, thank you so much for your deep understanding and support!

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    1. Thank you for sharing your understanding of this decision. It means a lot! Yes, it has given me some relief. I am still adjusting to the changes which are new for me and what to expect fully from the medication. Again, thank you for your thoughtfulness!

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  3. I actually do think it’s normal to cry every day after being raped by your therapist. Someone you PAID to demonstrate a healthy relationship to you…a person you reveal your soul to in the most vulnerable of ways. That being said, I don’t believe you will cry every day forever. You’re putting in the hard work. It will come💕

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    1. I am sorry it has taken me awhile to respond. I just found your comment in my Spam Folder! Fortunately after many years, I finally was able to recently find a wonderful therapist. She is everything I could have hoped for in a therapist and I do believe she will be able to help me process the things that happened in my past. It was a nightmare struggling alone for so long. Thank you for your thoughtfulness!

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  4. At first, I also didn’t want to take any medication. I’m on Zytomil (antidepressant/anxiety), Lamotrigine (mood stabalizer), Fluanxol (antipsychotic), and Xanax. The Fluanxol was the one that I was way too terrified to start. I thought to myself “I’m not psychotic”, but then my psychiatrist and doctor explained that it works well for those of us with BPD. Since I’ve been on my meds, I’ve noticed a big difference. And now looking back, I can’t believe how I was having panic attacks at starting meds! It can really add quality to your life. Proud of you for going to see the Psychiatrist. 🙂

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  5. I am so sorry and can feel every word! Taking medication was so hard for me to do as you know! The emotions you talked about really made me think and yes I feel I am still living in that relationship on many days. You are brave stay strong! Love and hugs xx

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    1. Lyn, it does come down to which one we were more afraid of, the anxiety and depression or the medication. You are right, the lingering concern over the medication never really goes away. This isn’t what we chose for our lives. It is a constant reminder of what brought us here. In many ways it feels as though one more thing is being done to us! I have felt some relief from the medication and I hope you have to. It is an adjustment. Since nothing can erase our past, it doesn’t take the pain away. But the hope with the medication is that we don’t have to live in the pain all the time. Thank you for your thoughtfulness! We are strong together!!! ❤

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  6. I too was raped by a therapist. I understand the agony of filling out the paperwork and then talking about what happened. I personally think the largest knife in my back was trusting this Psychologist. He turned everything I trusted him with and used it to hurt me further. I learned once again to never trust a man. I moved away because my husband was in the military. Yet, I couldn’t move from my feelings. He took so much of my little self-worth and tore it into little pieces. I understand and after 20 years it still causes a panic attack every time I have to see another doctor for anything.

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    1. I am so sorry you have experienced this as well. It is something that is not easy to talk about. Thank you for sharing your experience, it couldn’t have been easy to do. An experience like this forever changes you. This is something that very much makes you feel alone. It is an incredible betrayal that does make it very hard to trust even yourself. Again, thank you for sharing your experience. I get on a very deep level everything that you shared!

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  7. I imagine that seeing a psychiatrist must have taken huge courage, also trying the medication. I have also experienced falling apart after someone understands, is there a bit of relief in there? You are not alone and I admire the efforts you are taking to take care of yourself ❤

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    1. Seeing the psychiatrist unfortunately is making me have panic attacks. I have spent my life not wanting “how I am doing” to be known. And now I am being asked to admit this to a stranger. Not to mention I don’t feel safe. I did see A. today and we are trying to come up with a strategy for me to get through these appointments. She is great and I am blessed to have her and be able to trust her. Thank you!

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  8. You are very welcome. I totally understand your feeling, I have also avoided any involvement with any kind of professionals (apart from therapists) after being abused by a psychiatrist as a teenager. I am so glad that you have A and that you have built trust in her. That makes such a huge difference when you are facing something scary.

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