A Tough Pill To Swallow

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You were a tough pill to swallow
with jagged edges
that cut like a knife
that twisted and turned
until my soul bled

Your hands
they broke something
more fragile than my bones
everyone went away
and left me alone

You placed fear
upon my small frame
that filled me with shame
later they placed it
upon my adult being
the terror reached into me
and never went away

Today I still bear
the effects of your hands
the fear of your presence
while all they do is stare

You now come in many forms
around any corner without warning
it is not you that they scorn

Although none of you
are any longer here
my heart still lives in fear

I still choke on the shame
each one of you
heaped upon my soul

I long to forget

But now instead
every day I swallow
a new pill of regret

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33 thoughts on “A Tough Pill To Swallow

  1. How do I reply to such a poem?

    I wanted to write something to let you know that I get you. That I do understand this total disaster from the very beginnings until today! That I perceive this continuous chain of terrible wrong that was done to you by people who have never given you a choice …always taking away from you what belongs to your souls most sacred inner core … uncompromising in their brutality against you in satisfy their own needs … there is no justice that can ever restore this inbalance between you and your perpetrators and their consenting audience … not in this lifetime … and not beyond. But this is not the end. They have left you with an unbearable burden, a body and a soul covered with deep wounds from a life long abuse by others, hardly giving you the chance to keep your own integrity intact and to let you take care of yourself to even let one of these inflicted wounds begin to heal. You are covered with scars and bruises on your soul, that are all still bleeding underneath. You have survived. You have survived a life of war and battles. But there is no victory. There seems to be no end, no returning home to a life of how it should have been, filled with unconditional love, connection, belonging and peace. It is as if you are hanging from the edge of a cliff with only the power of your hands keeping you from falling. And though your abuseres and those who have abandoned you have lost their grip on you pulling you down wards, the ropes and chains that they shackled you with still let them tug on you with their full weight. You have survived. It is time that you are given the chance to loosen your grip of your hand on the cliff to let somebody grab it and pull you up into a new life. From all your previous post, I see that happening now with the help of your loving husband, your therapist, your medication and your increadible will power to survive to change things for the better for yourself. You are an amazing woman, Blue. I know, believe and have faith in that you can make it and claim a life worth living for yourself.

    Great poem!
    Jens

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Jens, this was very moving to read. You painted a very accurate and vivid picture of my struggle. Thank you for your faith in me and your encouragement and hope for a better future ahead. I do hold on to this hope within myself. Again thank you very much for your kindness. It means a lot!

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    1. Taking medication makes it all too real. It does feel like one more thing being done to us. Hopefully in time we can reframe this somehow in our minds. It is good to “see” you again! I think of you often as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope that the medication is something positive for you. I like what you wrote in your other post about it maybe helping you to do the trauma work with A, that’s a good way of looking at it.
    I often struggle to come here which is frustrating, it is nice to know I am remembered 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The medication is positive, getting it is not! I have been in a bad place for too long, getting out of it is proving more difficult. But I am working on it! This is our current goal for now. I do understand your struggle. You are definitely missed! You are such a talented writer, I hope you can continue to find your voice and your way through writing. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish I had a map to give you to show you the way out of that bad place. I believe you will find somewhere better, you are working so hard. You deserve to have some happiness and peace in your life.
    Thank you very much, you give me so much encouragement ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Please know that you are not alone in your fears with blogging. I used to think I was alone in this too. But I think many of us who are struggling share this fear. It has been unbearable at times for me. YOU do need encouragement to continue! I truly am amazed at your talent. Without writing we can easily become completely silent, which is not a healthy place to be. It often is the only voice we have. Sometimes writing feels like a sword that cuts into the pain that keeps us locked up inside otherwise. Please keep writing, the world is too quiet without you! ; )

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I just found your comment in my trash folder!!! I am not sure why this happens sometimes. So I am sorry for my delay in a response. I am sorry that you can relate to this. Medication isn’t something that is very easy to accept, especially when it was caused by abuse and trauma… it is just one more daily reminder of the pain it still leaves behind. It somehow doesn’t seem fair!!! Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah i wanted to take medication but i didn’t want to become too reliable on it. Thanks for commenting back 😊

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        1. I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I just found your comment in my Spam Folder. I struggled a long time before deciding to take medication. My therapist encouraged me to commit to one year of taking it. It wasn’t until I took the medication that I became aware of the severity of my depression. It had just become a way of life. It helped me to face the torture I had been living with inside. At this point, I don’t know if I could do therapy without it. I probably would have run by now. I didn’t “believe” in medication until I took it and realized how badly I needed the help it has provided. In many ways, it is no different from a diabetic who needs insulin. There is so much misinformation out there about depression and medication. For severe depression medication can help a lot. I wish you the very best!

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