Second Psychiatrist Visit

caution

As I sit in the waiting room
a follow up visit
more paperwork to fill out
a “normal” routine
sorrow wells up
from all that brought me here

Trembling as I sit before her
answering an endless array of questions
progress was made
but still not on the scale
of where she wants me to be

What am I afraid of?

As we wait for my new prescription
he asks me if I am okay
“Are you having a panic attack?”
I don’t know what is happening to me

I am very high strung and restless
frightened but not wanting to feel
“How are you?”
“I am here to help you.”
is what she had implied to me
this was always the beginning
of the trap that crushed me

In my mind
I know I am safe
my emotions
my body
don’t know this
harm feels inevitable
I am right back there
like a lamb for slaughter
helpless in the face of the inevitable

What is wrong with me?

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25 thoughts on “Second Psychiatrist Visit

    1. I don’t think I was prepared to trust this many people. Fortunately I saw my therapist today. She is helping me work out a strategy to make it through these appointments. Having panic attacks over seeing a psychiatrist is understandable, but not what I was expecting. Thank you, Cindy, for your thoughtfulness and kindness. It means a lot that you “get this.”

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    1. This experience makes me realize how much of a miracle it is that I have found my therapist and that I AM able to at least trust her. She is very understanding of the panic attacks I am having over seeing the psychiatrist. Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I admire you greatly, no matter what has to be faced a person who has the fortitude that you clearly have can only triumph.. these things are flaws in chemicals not character. I know you will recover so my wish I send is for it to be soon.
    Nigel

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I went to the eye dr yesterday and needed to repeat myself several times that I can have panic attacks and it helps me to know what to expect. The dr was very understanding and walked me through the whole process. It’s so not easy when these things happen.
    I don’t know that there is anything ‘wrong’ with you.
    You are human.
    You are feeling.
    That is not always an easy thing to do.
    I’ve felt more the past two years than I probably have my whole life. And it’s very hard!!!
    Just this past week I wanted to hide in the closet. I am getting braver and learning I am worth it.
    You are too!
    Because you are worth it!
    (((((((((BlueSky))))))))…..a gentle hug

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for the kind words, they are special! Overall I believe I am havin more calmer days, yet, I never know when a trigger may happen which sucks. And you’re welcome! I am learning by sharing I am releasing what happened while showing others there is hope. It’s not easy but being healthier is possible. One step at a time! We are worth it!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Sometimes “knowing” you are safe just doesn’t help much, the fear is so much bigger than the logic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you, sadly this is normal for anyone who has been so badly hurt. You will only learn by repeated experience if this person is safe for you. Your caution is there to keep you safe. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think it is necessarily her I feel unsafe with, it is talking about my reactions and struggles with a professional/stranger. It triggers fear in me that I cannot control. You are right, “knowing” you are safe doesn’t help much!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I admire and look to you so much through my own journey. You put things into words I sometimes can’t. How can there be anything wrong when you inadvertently help so much? God uses you. You are human and you are feeling. I imagine that’s still something you might be learning to do. It is for me. There’s nothing wrong with you. This is hard. This is scary. You are bold and brave to have put value on yourself when you likely feel and were taught the opposite through abuse…that is something I too struggle with. You’re ok. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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