I have been struggling a lot with returning to my blog. I am overwhelmed with the complexity of depression and trauma. I am dismayed at the lack of knowledge among professional articles that I read. And if the professionals can’t get it right, how can I expect the rest of society to get it right.
With everything that I share here, I in no way want to diminish the help that antidepressants offer. I do understand that all those who experience every degree of depression are often lumped together with no distinction. For most people who suffer from depression, medication alone helps them. When you have experienced trauma, especially multiple extended traumas, medication alone does not solve the effects of such tragedies in a persons life.
I have started medication and I have found some help with the constant onslaught of pain and anguish I have lived with for years. But the effects the trauma has had on my life are alive and real inside of me. The fears I live with are much more complex than depression. I think I knew this before taking the medication. I just didn’t know how complex dealing with all of it was going to be. I can’t imagine continuing on with therapy without the medication. But in many ways I feel more alone, and afraid of disappointing everyone because of the effects the traumas in my life have had on me.
When you read about depression, those who suffer from depression caused by trauma are often either not acknowledged or just lumped into other types of depression. This problem makes me feel very misunderstood.
This morning a friend asked me, “Have you written any poetry lately.” I responded, “I wrote one about a week ago, but I really haven’t been writing much.” Then my friend asked me, “Do you think that is also due to the medication?” I said, “I have been wondering that. It has been such an adjustment for me. I find myself struggling to know what I am feeling.”
Several years ago, my husband and I went to a dentist who was a painter. He had his paintings all over his office and patient rooms. He has ADD and told us that he was put on medication for it and he lost all of his creativity, his ability to paint. So he wouldn’t take it.
While I have found some relief, I lived like that for so long that this is unfamiliar to me. So in some ways, I do feel as though I have lost a part of myself. Maybe I am afraid of even trying to write. Maybe I need to acknowledge this fear and at least just try.
Sometimes I don’t know if we are put on medication to help us or so that society can deal with us. If the world was more loving I don’t think many people would need medication.
I do understand that if the world would be more loving, I would not be in this situation in the first place. But I also would have found comfort and validation and healing. You see people who have gone through horrific things (kidnapping etc.) and go on to do great things. And no one understands that this was because they were loved back to wholeness. Their experience was validated, they were loved and helped. I was only harmed for being harmed. It messes with your mind.
For some reason, I am afraid to return to my blog. I have been honest with where I am. But I don’t know if others will be cruel to me. That everything isn’t perfect. And that I will have to wear a mask. The mask I had to wear my whole life, the one I just took off.
I wear all of these scars and this is why I think I fear I am going to disappoint everyone. It is all more complicated than just taking medication. I think antidepressants work differently for people who have experienced trauma and have CPTSD than it does for those who are experiencing depression or sadness only. This all makes me very emotional.
Can everything that happened to me be reduced to something as simple as a pill? Do I need medication rather than love and connection and validation? A pill will not “cure” my past. It could make me shut up and disappear. But it will not heal or cure the trauma of my past. It could isolate me more perfectly. But it will never solely give me what I need.