Vulnerable

Teddy Bear Lying on Chair

I didn’t mean to disappear
I didn’t mean to go away
I didn’t know I would feel this way

I feel vulnerable
too vulnerable to let you in

I didn’t know I would be this afraid
I didn’t know I would want to run away

I thought this would be easier
I thought I would want to stay

I didn’t know I would be this scared
I didn’t know I would not want to share

I have been afraid to write
I have been afraid to read
I have been afraid to comment

It isn’t that I do not care
It is just that I was unaware
It would be this hard to bear

I don’t really know what to say
I have been caught off guard

I didn’t mean to disappear
I didn’t mean to go away
I didn’t know I would feel this way

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. It’s ok, Blue. It really is. This is new and hard for you and you are swimming in new waters, so to speak, so it’s like your body and mind are “learning a new stroke” for the first time. I miss you but I get you and I know exactly why you have leaned back for now. This has happened to me too a couple times. It takes a lot of energy and focus to do what you are doing and you have a lot to process. Sometimes, it is all you can do. I understand so much that fear you are experiencing. I have been struggling with that a lot as well lately. I fear my abusers will find me or discover what I have written so far or have shared with my therapist. It’s so scary to accept that they can’t reach me anymore and that they no longer hold power over me, at least that’s what my therapist tells me, I’m not totally confident in that, but that’s one of the things I’m working towards accepting. You are ok. Do not feel guilty. But I also want to encourage you to not let for keep you from healing either. That can be hard for us I think sometimes, it is for me anyway. Keep moving forward. Any distance, no matter how slow or how hidden or how silent is still forward. I think about you often. You are important to me!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful words! Yes, going to therapy takes a lot of hard work and energy. It is a very vulnerable experience… and we can only handle so much vulnerability. We had to hide so much in order to survive. Facing reality and the gravity of it all can be frightening and overwhelming. I think of you often too. I appreciate your kindness very much!

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s